La Consulada de Nuevo Mexico

Out For the Count

2006-05-08T02:46:00.000-07:00

Ok, so this summer I am moving to Xanga for my blog, which makes sense seeing as this blog was my life in Omaha. Anyway, I don't want to put it on here, because then I have no control over who gets the next one....

HOWEVER, I will say this, if you are a friend of mine on facebook, you can find it there.

Dominic and others that want it need to shoot me an email because I will completely forget to send it to you otherwise.

Email me at- NatalieLRivera@gmail.com

For a Man Who Saw Something Good In Me

2006-05-02T19:22:00.000-07:00

I left my heart on your front seat when you drove away,
I didn't expect to see you leave,
Yet I never did think that you would stay,

Yeah, left that heart where you could see it,
Yeah, it never did belong to me,
It's a tragedy of circumstance, but damn fate,
We're never gonna' beat it.

Boy, I would love you if I could,
I would hold if you if I should,
But now everything has gone to Hell.

I tried to let this passion die,
I tried to help you realize-
I was never gonna be good for you.

God you know I would
I would love you if I could
I would hold you. . . Wonder if I should

Damn this misery I put on you
Damn this destiny
Damn this world I brought you into
Damn this whole freakin scene

Damn the people that bring you down
I'm still hoping you'll come around
But I see the tail lights and there you go -
Physical distance finally catching up to the length between our souls

I'm swearing to you that I would give anything to just-
Just for one day I would
Love you if I could
I really don't think I should
_ _ _, for you I wish my heart would.

My Biological Excuse For Never Falling In Love Again

2006-05-02T17:06:00.000-07:00

Ok, a dead lady bug, Mark, Matt, Foy, Priya, Robyn, and a cigarette helped me come up with this theory, but none of them know it, less they read this. So take it with a grain of salt.

I haven't had much time to blog this week- but here is me procrastinating on my studying for finals. (Incidentally, this was first written during a biology review as he explained axons and the kidney.) So without further ado- The No Love Theory (abridged)

Romantic Love- Does it even exist? I understand the concept of loving other people and giving ourselves to them as friends and family. I have felt all of this. However, what evidence do we have for 'romantic' love? What is this so called attraction to one person out of the billions that exist? Let us also be honest for a moment, there are many scientific and legitimate reasons for explanations for or actions associated with this so-called 'love.' At the simplest level, we want our genes to be passed on. When we care for others we are assisting our species to survive, not truly caring for them.

Pair bonding is something that originally existed to allow our species to do well. One male only has to provide for one female and his offspring, aka his genes. The male workforce began because, frankly, women of our species are highly vulnerable when they are pregnant. They are awkward and pretty incapable of protecting both herself and the unborn child from danger. She cannot be out hunting a mammoth while as he can be.

Hormones and endorphines attract us to others, especially on a carnal level. Kisses, hugs, nuzzling, and 'making love' are simply ways our species increases that bond between mates so as to show to other potential mates that one is 'off the market' so to speak. We mark our territory in hickeys and sex.

Ah, yes, I almost forgot! Birth Control. As overpopulation begins to reach a life threatening level on this planet, is it any surprise that our intellectual species came up with a solution to that? No, we did not evolve to this, but we created it all the same.

So there you go- Love does not exist.

Go ahead, applause, give me a prize, a trophy, etc. It was all a big genetic scam that we fed into like Santa Claus so that we could sleep at night. I mean, we needed SOMETHING to passive our time. Also, what would the fine arts be without 'love?'

....

Ok, there is a snag. It is a major rift in the theory. Not to say that there isn't more than one, but this one is so large that it makes me almost believe in love again. Almost.

Well what is it? Ok, I'm about to step outside my PC limits for a moment. Don't get offended too quickly.

In one word- Homosexuality. Honestly, what benefit do humans receive from being involved in a life mating with one of the same gender? Why are we attracted to this? What could possibly be the reason beyond love?

Let us readdress my biological reasoning:
Could it be sexual gratification? Perhaps, but why would instincts drive us to homo-gender physical relations ? There is not a good biological reason. Instinctively, we have a sexual need so that our species is encouraged to reproduce and pass on our genes. Obviously no child can be created naturally through a relationship like this, so what purpose is there.

This leads into the possibility of natural birth control. Is is possible? Obviously no child is created, but our habitat is not so greatly crowded where a mutation in our genetics would cause a higher success rate to occur for our species overall. Also, homosexuality has been with us since the dawn of mankind, so what purpose does it serve. Not possibly birth control. In all truth, cannibalism would be more beneficial to our overpopulation problem then homosexuality is. So there is not really a good biological reason for it, despite it being a biological effect of our species.

Yet these individuals nurture and care for each other, clearly not helping the overpopulation by assisting in more people surviving, yet not passing on genes, and it abandons the commonly obtained evolutionary theories of roles associated with pregnancy difficulties because there is not a child. The same could be said of any heterosexual couple that does not reproduce either.

It is interesting in our world that the only real evidence of love and true pair bonding are often the most ridiculed. Hatred is spewed on homosexuals, yet they are a precious sign of love!

While I do not know if I believe that I personally am capable of 'romantic' love anymore-
and after my life I am not sure if this love really exists at all or if it is simply something we comfort ourselves with. This also applies to faith in God. I will also admit that this may just be a 'broken heart' speaking out in a theory, but I would not know.

I mean, there is no scientific evidence to back God either, it is all faith. So do I believe in this love? I have faith in God, I have faith in the love of mankind, and I believe in the inherent goodness of others (if for nothing else but for the continuation of our species)...

To sum up:

I don't know if I will ever love again,
Or if I have ever truly felt this romance, this 'love' at all.

A Song Derrick Wrote About Me

2006-04-29T02:10:00.000-07:00

"Sounds" By Derrick Calloway
Hear it Yourself

I'm so tired of falling back on the premise that I pin with a thumbtack
On my wall now it's full of scraps, notes, a book I never wrote

Even though I always said I would, it's a chapter away from calling good
So it stays in the keys of a typewriter, in the moment I left it he's kissing her

On the lips just like the novels do, fingertips and sparks in the blue bayou
In the warm summer night they steal away

But that's just a tale you tell your friends, in the moonlight this is how it ends
And I can't lie to you anymore, I'm not sure

And even though you layer on thick, the covers of your bed leave you sick
And you just can't escape the cold

The city waits, drags you down, in the streets and all you want is self-assurance

Welcome to the Sideshow

2006-04-25T10:20:00.000-07:00

That fire of being accepted, of being loved for who I am has gone to rot. I failed to realize that no one really knew the extent of my diseases except for Kellen, Ian, Kenna, Priya, Robyn, Derrick, Diego, Mel and my family. Everyone else has balked since they found out.

I wish there was a category on facebook that read, "un-date-able". Then I could at least label myself from the get go and avoid the pain.

I just have a steel rod pushed through my chest right now by so many people, and it just gets cranked every time someone inadvertently brings me down. What a waste of life am I.

I will die alone. It was bad enough when I was the girl who had tumors and a dead mother. . .Now I am completely crossed of everyone's list until I can say, "Oh yeah, I barely remember any of that." But how do I forget something so pertinent to my life?

I'm going to English now, and I am heart-broken all over again. The dreams of yesterday were far more beautiful than these shallow dreams I shall have yet.

All is lost, and as the rain comes down on my soggy gray world, I can only hope that God gives me purpose for tomorrow.

Vivo Una Vida de la Pasión

2006-04-23T13:51:00.000-07:00

I just am in love with life. I have learned that I am perhaps not meant for what I thought I was, I have learned that love truly means there for good times and not, and I have learned that suffering only helps me to understand that I am meant to help others relieve their suffering. I am no saint, I would not pretend for a moment that I am, but I am severly in love with life and pursuing a life in which I spread love as much as I can. God has given me this breath to breath out his love.

Haha, this will be the third time I have typed out a blog today and hopefully this time it will not be erased. It is semi-ironic considering what I was trying to put in a blog today.

Life! What a glorious gift! Just reflect on life for a moment and realize how BEAUTIFUL it can be! I am so happy with life. It kicks my ass, but I have learned to really find the humor in that situation. I think it really broke my stubbornness and drive to try and beat life at it's own game. Life will always make me suffer painful things, but I suffer because I LOVE. If I did not care for those that I lose, than life would be nothing!

Godbless life! Godbless my friends and family! No, my life is not perfect. It is far from it, but this pain I endure will only help me to support others in the future.

However, I do have a complaint to issue at this time and it is something that comes with the territory of blogging: I am now afraid that what is here will not be everything that I really think on a topic, and I will have to put that down in my journal instead because some information has caused me only problems and I grow severely weary of being given shit for honestly saying what is going on my life from someone who voluntarily read something I wrote. My blog is not forced on you, but multiple individuals who read this have hurt me using this site as a reason. Natrivera.blogspot.com goes censored for now.

On a lighter note- I was listening to this song, and I will not explain why, but it applies to me on many levels. Please, take humor in my situation and the fact that I am not quoting DISNEY.

On that note, I had this song playing on my computer earlier:

"I won't say I'm in love" Off the Hercules Soundtrack
[Meg:]
If there's a prize for rotten judgement
I guess I've already won that
No man is worth the aggravation
That's ancient history, been there, done that!

[Muses:] Who'd'ya think you're kiddin'
He's the Earth and heaven to you
Try to keep it hidden
Honey, we can see right through you
Girl, ya can't conceal it
We know how ya feel and
Who you're thinking of

[Meg:]
No chance, no way
I won't say it, no, no

[Muses:]
You swoon, you sigh
why deny it, uh-oh

[Meg:]
It's too cliche
I won't say I'm in love

I thought my heart had learned its lesson
It feels so good when you start out
My head is screaming get a grip, girl
Unless you're dying to cry your heart out
Oh

[Muses:]
You keep on denying
Who you are and how you're feeling
Baby, we're not buying
Hon, we saw ya hit the ceiling
Face it like a grown-up
When ya gonna own up
That ya got, got, got it bad

[Meg:]
No chance, now way
I won't say it, no, no

[Muses:]
Give up, give in
Check the grin you're in love

[Meg:]
This scene won't play,
I won't say I'm in love

[Muses:]
You're doin flips read our lips
You're in love

[Meg:]
You're way off base
I won't say it
Get off my case
I won't say it

[Muses:]
Girl, don't be proud
It's O.K. you're in love

[Meg:]
Oh
At least out loud,
I won't say I'm in love

If I could change one thing-

2006-04-20T21:25:00.000-07:00

If I could change one thing about my entire life, I would have never let Matt kiss me that day outside Baskin Robins and therefore would have never broken up with Ryan.

That wouldn't have changed Ryan's death, and it wouldn't have caused my life to turn out that much differently, but I would have never risked it for a man who told me to be crazy and believe in love. Twice in the last year I have really risked my life for love, and it has really cost me everything, including my dignity.

How do I look back at my life? How do I look back and think, "I was chosen secondarily to war, to marijuana, to men, to the priesthood, to death, to other women." I feel like nothing. Meanwhile, yeah, I have a date lined up, and not that I want a serious relationship, but it hurts deeply to know that there is no where it can lead. It just is.

Also. . .nobody really IMs me anymore. I'm always reaching out. Damn it.

I'm just upset because my weekend was Hell and nobody even gave me a hug over it. Yeah, you're all sorry that my life is miserable, whatever. I'm miserable because my life is miserable. I have a box sitting two feet away from me that i cannot open because inside it there are two 'engagement' rings. God I feel like such a dumbass sometimes.

I mean, I broke up with Ryan! I should be mourning my loss of Ian, or hell, even Matt, but instead all that is on my mind these days is Ryan. Not a single man on this Earth has ever made me feel so loved as Ryan did, AS A FRIEND. He never had a bad thing happen to him, yet he was willing to be there for people that had.

The only time I told him I loved him was once late at night when I knew he was asleep. I wish I could go back, I wish I could go back and tell him how I really felt when he wasn't asleep.

Instead I gambled everything on Matt because he said that he loved me, and even though I had been hurt time and time again by him, I risked it all because that night when he shakily proposed to me on my front lawn and stared into my eyes, I knew he was right. I knew he really wanted to marry me.

I'll never know if that changed or if he just decided it was not worth the effort because Matt never gave me the gift of closure. So I sit here trying not to hate him for making me give up Ryan and then breaking my heart.

I just give up. I cannot trust anyone, yet I know I will.

I miss my friend Ian, I miss him so much. I wish that we could still talk, but I know that it is not possible right now, possibly not ever. Maybe my phone will ring, maybe it won't, but I really do give up on that. I tried so hard last weekend, it took everything I had after he told me hated me and blamed me for his entire life being ruined. I had wanted to die so badly and he didn't even listen at the time and now he hates me for it. . . well I cannot change that. I do not think he can ever even comprehend the fact that for two and a half years he feigned interest in me as long as I was mentally stable. I stood by him through everything, and the moment I fell, he kicked me an threw dirt in my eye. I am not even angry, I would really let him do it again if it would help him, I just feel sorry for him. I loved him enough to even try to tell someone else. It took so much of me to tell him, only to be ridiculed. Meanwhile my roommate was hating me for trying to help her with her problems. My family didn't understand, I practically failed out of college, and now everyone that went out of state for college really doesn't understand why I am coming back. . . ::sigh::

I feel a lot better. My roommate is a Goddess.

I just give up.

Summer

2006-04-20T20:42:00.000-07:00

So summer is coming up and I find myself really really heartbroken because of THREE different guys.

I don't think Ian and I will ever be friends. I could apologize but I know I would not get one in return. Follow up, what would motivate me to try and be someone's friend who doesn't want me in their life and made that very clear? I am sick of chasing after him. He only wanted me when he couldn't have me. Maybe it was the chase. Well, whatever it was, it is over because he "only called me because he wanted to date me." So I guess he will never call me again.

Matt is being aggravating as usual, and I am still hung up on that whole situation. It makes me mad that he too only wants me when I don't want him at all. I just wish I didn't want him, that would make life sooo much easier.

Finally, there is Ryan. I climbed a tree barefoot today and realized that nobody really got why I was so into Ryan. He tapped into a part of myself that I didn't even really find until I was holding hands with him during Team America or making Star Wars noises or throwing each other into a pool and shivering for a long time together because we both were chilled to the bone.

::sigh:: I'm sick of loving. I just want to swear it all of for life. I'm tired of the hurt, I really am. I feel myself sliding into cynicism and I hope I don't end up too jaded because of it.

My Grandfather is dying. . .and Ian is not talking to me- Both are equally painful

2006-04-16T19:01:00.000-07:00

Ian wants space and despite wanting to call him right now I am not. I feel like I did in middle school when suddenly my Mother turned on me. She never saw that she had a problem, always believed she was right, and expected an apology without giving one in return. She also never saw that she had a problem. Not to say Ian has a problem like my Mom did, but he is severely stubborn and the likeness to Mother/Matt is uncanny. He is also unable to see that I am really injured also and this is not all about him.

I saw Ian's dad and Linda and her children today. It was really good, it made me feel good to have not lost that part of my family even though Ian has disowned me. It really gave me hope. His Dad showed me flowers that were blooming and talked to me for a long time. I felt really at home thanks to Chuck, he is a life saver in so many ways. I completely forgot to check in on the Bettas, guess I shall try to after I return from school in 3 weeks and really try to remember. No doubt I will forget like I always do though. I was really trying to just spend time with Linda though and I am glad I did. Her fighting spirit gives me so much strength and hope. She is my hero right now.

My Grandfather took a really bad fall last week and was on the ground for a hour and a half before he could get the ambulance to arrive. He has not been taking care of himself and is so sickly that it was hard to look at him because he is so weak and suffering. He has sores on his skin and is in pain.

::sigh:: And I can't call Ian to tell him any of this and I am not sure if he wants to know or not.

Stress is extreme. I woke up today from dreaming that Ian and I were dancing together to me lying in my bed all alone. I wish that I didn't love him anymore, but I do and as such all I can do is not pick up the phone and call him. God I hope that he doesn't hate me forever because I really enjoyed our friendship before everything went to Hell.

I am having breakdowns over the end of the year, going back to Omaha only to say goodbye, grades, an English portfolio on very personal subjects that I am not sure I have the emotional stability to finish, my grandfather, Linda, my meds leaving me completely drained, insomnia, my dog, choosing a new college, finding a place, avoiding certain people who are not helping me better, trying to find employment, trying to find a counselor and psychiatrist here so that I don't miss any treatment, getting surgery over the summer, catching up with friends, and facing the summer without Ryan.

I loved Ryan and I wish I understood how much before he died. I have never met a more pure and beautiful individual. He gave me the best summer of my life and I will never be able to forget it.

Pray for my grandfather please and call me/message me if you want more info.

Cut off.

2006-04-15T20:32:00.000-07:00

Ok. . .so Ian stopped talking to me. I guess I don't understand at all because the last time we spoke it seemed like we were going to be not best-friends, but at least friends.

He had said previously that he wants to hang out, but he is screening all my calls/won't return my messages and now has removed me as a friend on myspace and facebook.

I don't know if he is worried that I am trying to get him back, because I'm not. In fact, if he asked me right now to get back with him, even though I love him, I wouldn't do it.

I don't know if is just so hurt that talking to me makes it worse. I don't know if I said something to upset him the point of never wanting to speak to me again. . .

But what I really don't know is why he didn't tell me. If he asked for space I would have given it to him this weekend, but he made it seem like he still did want to hang out.

::sigh:: Just another thing to add to my list of stress right now because now I feel bad about wanting to go see Linda and Ian's Dad tomorrow because it is Easter and I do not want to upset Ian by making him see me, but I don't have a choice because he won't even call me and let me know how to avoid that situation.

I am trying to be a good friend despite the fact that he doesn't want me as a friend. . .What do I do now?

He promised to go see V for Vendetta, and now he's not coming. He told me he'd tell me if he wasn't going on the pilgrimage, and he didn't. I guess I just don't understand why when he doesn't trust me he would respond with lies. It doesn't make sense. . .and it is so unlike Ian.

He has changed so much, I guess I don't know him at all anymore and it doesn't help that he will not talk to me. I just hope that this summer he will be ok enough to hang out with our circles of friends and won't let my existance obliterate his social life.

I just wanted to try and rebuild the friendship, we had been through shit together, and we still are going through shit together, apart.

I guess I'll just go to Ian's house tomorrow and hope he isn't there when I am so that he won't have to see me. There's nothing more I can do.

Too Little Too Late

2006-04-14T23:11:00.000-07:00

Disease. It sucks. I know you are thinking right now, "thanks Ms. Obvious," but really it does suck because you cannot just take something and have it go away like the cold, you just have to stick it out and hope it gets better with time and is not a terminal illness. Everyone is telling me to be patient, but it's so hard when I see people and things slipping out from under me.

Last night was Hell. I just burst into tears at my favorite restaraunt in front of my Dad and brother.

Today was pretty Hellish too until I just let go and went out to eat with my new family for dinner. I told Julia that she was my second Mom and she beamed at me. I am getting closer to her and I just want it all to be one family again. I told Diego, in tears, last night that I had really lost the important things, but when I told him that I had talked to my family he said, "No Natalie, you still have your family right there and there are friends who have not walked away. You still have people that care about you." So true, damn the truth.

Brian told me, drunkenly, last night that "If I dream it, it will be real." Personally I think it is bullshit- build it and they will come sort of crap, but that's the proverbeal knowledge from Omaha right now.

Dominic said something profound on the pilgrimage today, (which I will speak of in a minute), while we were walking around the Jesus festival feeling the urge to overturn tables like the man himself down at the Santuario.
The conversation went as follows:
I said, "Dominic is the only one with a significant other. What are we doing with our lives fellas?" Dominic said, "You may not have that sort of significant other, but you have others that are significant."

I didn't know how to respond, he was right. I should say at this point that Ian and I talked and decided not to talk about the shit that went down in the relationship, and I am therefore not going to post those in this blog anymore, because it is not helping anyone to do so, including myself. So don't expect gossip in that department, get your own life because mine is shattered enough without spilling that aspect.

So the pilgrimage- Leanne had a friend of the family die, flaked out. My Dad was on call, flaked out. Melinda and Graham had class, flaked out. Ben was sick. . .I'll let him get away with that. However, two of my other friends really flaked on us today and didn't tell us where they were or even pick up the phone to tell us they weren't coming. So we waited for them for a while and finally had to take off. Throughout the day we kept calling them back, but they didn't answer. Only one finally called me around five and talked to me about it. I got to chill with him (amongst many other beautiful friends that I will no doubt splash into a facebook album), and we are really cool. I finally found out that the other friend was basically deathly ill all day. . . but I heard it from other people and that hurts because he is one of my good friends and it sucks that he never called me back. I just hope he is feeling better and that he gets back into town safe and sound in time for V for Vendetta tomorrow night.

The pilgrimage mostly blew. Diego, Allan, Dom and I basically hated it the entire time, because everyone flaked, we didn't have enough time to walk the distance we wanted to, and we didn't get a whole hell out of it except for a day well wasted. I had been looking forward to today for my friends and family and the pilgrimage for nearly 3.5 weeks now, so it was a major bummer that everyone ditched. Whatever, better luck next year.

Ok, so I bowled. I had no intention of doing it, but Phil C. challenged me and I couldn't back down. First game I kicked the boys asses, second game I was just doing stupid things like bowling blind and backwards, but I still did really decent. It was the first time I ever really felt like I could bowl. It felt good to be good at something, to actually be able to do it.

I saw a bunch of friends and it made me realize that even though I absolutely LOVE the people in Nebraska, nothing can make up for New Mexico in my heart. Yeah, I will travel the world but I will always come home to New Mexico.

Home. I drove Home tonight. I was thinking, "damn, I got to get home" when I realized that I actually felt safe and loved and. . . FELT. I could feel. I didn't feel trapped or paranoid or scared, I was just content.

Meanwhile a very fitting song for me was playing on my radio. Ok, so it was being blasted on my radio while I sped along the highway trying to light a cig, but that doesn't really matter.

Anyway, due to circumstances that people say were under my control, I have lost many things that were important to me due to my diseases. However, my doctor never saw that I had bi-polar. I definitely wouldn't have guessed it, so anti-depressants weren't going to solve it. I also believed that I was getting better, and then I crashed and had nothing to pull myself back up with. I still feel like I am in a hole trying to climb up. I am sick. I wish that I could have the things I had before now, but I know that I do not deserve them right now, nor do they deserve me right now. Everything is f-ed up. Time has really taken its toll on me and as I climb back out and just try and reach some sort of semi-level playing field to attempt to play with the amateurs, I feel like it is all a little too late.

I have lost people's trust, I have lost trust in myself and others, and I am really sick of flakey people and/or liars. Incidentally, that song sort of said it all. I hear all these love songs on the radio, or songs about people climbing up but are struggling, and even though they should be inspiring, most music is really bringing me down right now. "Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow. So why can't I turn off the radio?"- Ne-Yo

Ok, so the reason my blogs are not daily is not because I do not have things to say everyday, I have a million things that could be sorted out on paper, but I often do not have the strength to write. It would make me kill myself if I tried to write my feelings sometimes and sort them out. For example, last night.

Speaking of writing things out, I am so unable to concentrate, I feel like I am in the movie Momento. I have to put post-its everywhere or do something immediately before I forget otherwise it will not get done until I can figure out what the fuck I was trying to do. . .often it is too late or days later before I can remember. It fucking sucks. I cannot remember what was said in a conversation only seconds before and I have to reread my blogs so I don't repeat or fuck myself up further.

Saw Linda today, she seemed to be better than the last time I saw here, even though I know she is worse. I hope Ian calls because his birthday gift is just sitting around here. . .I just thought about how funny it would be to make him garlic brownies. It really wouldn't be funny at all if Jake and Kellen weren't there though. Ok, random thought sorry.

It was hard to talk to Linda because she feels like family to me even though I am not technically part of that family anymore. . . damn. Oh well, I just love her, that's all I can do, and continue to pray. I hope to see her again over the summer, i don't know if it will happen or not.

Oh yeah! NMT!!! I saw it on Thursday and it only rectified my fears that the social atmosphere may not be the best one for me to heal in. However, it also might just be the best one. I can't tell yet, but I know I want to go there because of the AMAZING ENVS department. I hope I get a decent roommate next year. I wasn't really worried too much about that because I had Priya, now I have to do it all over again.

Really, I want to just live in a TeePee with Chewie. That would be sweet.

Ok, I am feeling sort of tired, so I am going to try and relax. I will go watch some house, start the water running so it will be hot in about ten minutes (the boiler is broken, as an 8 ball would say: ask again later) and then I am going to try and get some sleep tonight. I have not had more than three hours in a night for the past two weeks. Sometimes I get in a good nap, but that is rare. I never have time and if I lay down and cannot get to sleep I stress out to the point where I start to hyperventilate, so I am pretty wary about even trying to nap and I am also trying to regulate my sleeping pattern. So I have regulated it, basically no sleep. That's probably not good.

::sigh:: Well I will finish by putting in the lyrics from the song in my car tonight, and it pretty much sums up my life right now in a nice clean package for you. Wait for it- Bonus: It is a Barenaked Ladies song.

"Too Little Too Late"
You say, why does everything revolve around you?
You say, why does everything I do confound you?
You say that I pulled the world from under you,
You can’t go through it this time

And I could be good, and I would - if I knew I was understood
And it’ll be great, just wait - or is it too little too late?

One day, this embarrassment will fade behind me
And that day I could think of things that won’t remind me
But these days it’s unbearable for both of us
We can’t discuss it this way

I’m gaining strength, tying to learn pull my own weight
But I’m gaining pounds at the precipice of too late
Just wait

I could be good, and I would - if I knew I was understood
And it’ll be great, just wait - or is it too little too late?

Record and play, after years of endless rewind
Yesterday wasn’t half as tough as this time
This time isn’t hell,
Last time, I couldn’t tell
This mind wasn’t well
Next time, hope i’m...
Going to be good, and I would -
If I knew I was understood
And it’ll be great, just wait -
Or is it too little too late?
Good, and I would -
If I knew I was understood
And it’ll be great, just wait -
Or is it too little too late?

Something Kellen Wrote

2006-04-11T19:48:00.000-07:00

So Kellen IMed me last night and what he wrote was very poetic, tragic, and somehow, inspiring. I see Kellen coming out of this portion of his life and becoming one of the most beautiful people I know. I can already see it now, but I can't wait until he shows everyone else.

thinking about people I miss

morbidity

dont want to wake you up with my thoughts

depression

went, got food

realized that I have left everything that is important to me in NM or Nebraska

realize also that I miss other things as well

our lives are shattered

broken people trying to make themselves

Catholic school will make you or break you

they left out the part about being broken on the inside

I dont think I was strong enough

a long slow slide into oblivion

ahh if only that were the case

instead the static grow worse

and I scream inside my head

people are perfectly, wonderfully insane

without that

they would die

I am sane

and I am dying

reality breaks us

wow

I need to sleep

I love you Kellen.

Just a Reflection

2006-04-08T07:51:00.000-07:00

I wish that on Myspace and Facebook, those oh so self-compromising websites, that there was another choice to put under "relationship status." Robyn Kelly, one of my best-friends, has said on the matter, 'what about polygamy?'

If I could write in anything for my relationship status it would be 'nomadic.' I seem to be wandering.

My whole life has consisted of people I love leaving me, especially during hard times, and I am very exhausted from my efforts to have them stay. One of my girlfriends told me last night that she thinks that she might have feelings for me, but being a staunch heterosexual up until that moment, she could not quite place the feelings in her life. I did not know what to say. She continued on to say that she would act on those feelings but she hadn't had time to really figure them out because I was always "moving too fast. First there was Ian, then no one, then Ian, then my TA or Austen. . ."

So could it be possible that I am unable to find home in people I love because I am always on the move?

Perhaps. But my home cannot be burned down, it cannot be taken from me, it cannot even be hurt by someone else anymore because it exists only in me. I'm not sure if I will ever be willing to share that with anyone again, Ian kind of took my last shred of trust in the idea that you can truly benefit by giving yourself completely to love.

I just need time. I am pretty upset with some of my friends today because last night was really shitty. I continue to not get good sleep because I cannot even sleep in my own bedroom thanks to third roommate Derrick. He and Priya who are currently spooning naked (under a blanket) behind me.

I am starting packing today, I'll be honest, I am truly excited about it. I want to be done with this place SOOO much.

I am tired of the bullshit and I am tired of people not understanding and not even being able to hear what is going on with me.

It's weird, because in choosing to live, I truly lost my life. Everything I had known or trusted or believed in turned out to be false. I don't know what to believe in or to fight for anymore. I just exist. Wow, thank goodness I didn't kill myself. . .If I had I would at least have died for something I thought was right. Now everything is wrong and I know that there is no one waiting for me, no one to help me if I fall back into the hole. . .I'll just disappear.

There are cuts on my wrist. . .::sigh::. . . I have to stop drinking, my psychiatrist said so.

I wish I wasn't single. . .Just so guys would bug off.

2006-04-05T08:46:00.000-07:00

To every guy who has wanted to, has, or has thought about kissing me in the last week:
I just thought you should know that I hate that every man who is my friend and knows me, automatically thinks that I am interested in them. I am not.

I just want to fucking finish up this year and get the fuck out of here. So please stop pursuing me and please just let me go. Be my friend, support me right now, because the most you are going to get out of this is friendship.

I am not trying to be rude, just honest. If you continue to pursue me you will be forcing me to take actions that I wish I did not have to take.

Sincerely,
Natalie L. Rivera

I fell asleep, but the only nightmare I found was when I awoke

2006-04-03T19:44:00.000-07:00

So my adventures with other men/women these past couple of weeks have done nothing to subside my feelings for Ian, in fact they have only made them worse. I awoke today after a wonderful dream of him and I dancing and then falling asleep together. It was so real that when I awoke I was crushed to be alone in my bed.

I don't think my meds are really cutting it for me anymore. Initially they were better than nothing, and still are, but my body just seems so exhausted with pain.

I am so worried about Linda. I haven't really said it before. It outright KILLS me that my two best-friends are enduring the same thing at the same time. . . Robyn and Ian, I can never pray enough for the two of them.

I felt an unreal urge to go to the synagogue this weekend. I am scared and I want to ask someone to come with me, but I know that I will never really make this conversion unless I make it for myself. Yet, I know going into this conversion that there will be some aspects of Catholicism that I will never be able to give up. For example, even if one does not believe in their miracles, all of the Saints were amazing and inspiring individuals who I have always felt comfortable reaching out to, to help me pray to our Lord.

I guess the worst part of my life really comes down to the fact that I know I will never love someone like I love Ian. I spend everyday just wishing I could tell him I love him, and in theory that should be enough. To be loved and love in return, which we do. But as Ian so bluntly put it, "sometimes love is not enough." I don't really need your sympathy, or your kind words in regards to this situation, because the fact is nothing can change the way I feel and it is because I love that I suffer. It is because I love that I have to step out of lab and cry and pretend like it was nothing when I come back in. I am continually saving face, but why? It is not like I have pride left, that was all taken by this fucking disorder.

I really enjoy smoking, and it is cruel that I am so comforted by the smell because it reminds me of my grandfather, which reminds me of my mother and better times. It also sends me back into Ian's arms, his smokey breath breathing on my neck while we spooned.

I never want to make love with anyone else. Ever. I never even want to kiss anyone else, although doubtlessly I will. I really did and do want to spend my life with him.

Irony? Now I actually want to survive for a long time. . . and it is without him.

I am in love and I would never ask for it to stop. . . I just wish it were enough for something to be different than now. I can only hope that I will find better days as will Ian.

Another remark on Ian, apparently one of our friends read something I wrote in a blog and reported it to their mother. You know who you are, and I am severely pissed at you. If I really thought Ian was out of control with his drinking, do you really think I would have simply typed it and said nothing to him nor to his family? That is fucking ridiculous to believe. I love that kid more than anything and would gladly die for him, so what would stop me from trying to protect himself from himself. But the fact is, he doesn't need protection except from you, the individual that ratted him out for a crime he was not guilty of.

To the above individual, please stop reading my blog.

Matt has not talked to me since I made things awkward. . . . Oh well. My TA never responded to my email. . . Yet he talked to me today and did not even mention it, jerk.

A "small penis guy" age 28 randomly found me on myspace. Who the fuck are these guys and how do they find me? Really, I want to know because there has been one Jason Fink on Facebook who wanted me to see him because he was in an open marriage. Then there has been firefighter boy from Omaha on myspace and another 30 year old from Omaha. What the fuck????

I guess I should feel attractive. . . or that I am putting out some sort of trashy image. Perhaps they go for anything that moves and I should not be taking such offense or notice of these moments. Yet. . . Why can I only get shitty guys and why can't I hold on to the good ones??? The obvious explanation is simple. . . I haven't figured myself out yet. I just want my heartache to stop and I want Ian to punch these guys in the face. Not because I want some sort of chivalrous rescue by the man I love, but just because I know Ian knows how to punch them really hard. . . . is that mean?

Foy and I had a super awkward conversation. It was so awkward we just decided to end it and hopefully it won't be so awkward tomorrow.

I dyed my hair last night. . . or rather, Robyn did. It is oober blonde. We are going to stick some pink in it.

I realized that my blog entries have gotten longer because I do not really have anyone to talk to me the same way that Ian used to. I guess I just don't have anyone to share all aspects of my life with anymore.

I know this is going to come off as a really creepy ex-girlfriend comment, but I really hope that I end up with Ian. I cannot imagine anyone else making me as happy as he does because he is my best-friend. I really will, truly and honestly, try to be the best-friend I can be to him and maybe someday he'll decide not only to kiss the girl, but kiss this girl.

I guess I am seeing life from his side of the fence. I really cannot wait to go for a hike with him. Nebraska has never made me want anything more.

Also, this whole depression thing has made me a lot less scared of everything, and I cannot WAIT to try skiing/snowboarding. I cannot wait to fall on my ass and be back in the cold. Because now I like the cold, but only on occasion, not for weeks on end without any relief.

It is either ridiculously hot or ridiculously cold in this room. It has only been comfortable a few times, and then Priya and I disagree on it and change the condition of the room anyway.

I love being a smoker. . . I have met some of the best people on campus. They are so ridiculously laid back at night outside, and we all just gather round and joke. I will miss this in New Mexico. Not to say that I cannot smoke in New Mexico, but the collection of people will be entirely differnet. The reason is because our collection of smokers here is very very unique. Because of the cold weather, we all gather right outside the doors of buildings so that we can slip inside asap, but frequently we stay outside just for our friends anyway. Basically, thanks to our addiction and the weather, there is some sort of respect and loyalty to each other that goes beyond the tobacco we bum off each other.

All of my non-smoker buddies continue to give me hell. I don't really care anymore. I enjoy every single one of my cigarettes completely, and they are total hypocrites for wanting hookah anytime they feel like it but giving me hell for smoking outside. I am outside more and about 30 times more active than about 90 percent of these individuals. When they can hike up the Sandias with Ian and I, I will let them talk shit to me. Until then, they can bug off.

I am very angsty tonight, and I am sorry for that. I do hope that this blog finds you all in good health and that the stress you are enduring currently will soon pass. If you are in the 505, I am coming back into town a week from Wednesday and you must give me a call. I have a list of things I want to do while in town that include:

1. A short hike in the Sandias somewhere
2. Chimayo Pilgrimage on Good Friday
3. Taking my doggy to get pampered
4. Getting Boba/Pop-Pop's
5. Seeing as many of my loved ones as possible
6. Visiting with my grandparents on Easter
7. Seeing Linda
8. Playing some sort of ridiculous boardgame/wizard/charades
9. Drinking a dirty martini/Smoking a good cigar
10. Having a long talk with my dad about life
11. Seeing V for Vendetta with anyone that wants to go/anyone that has not seen it yet
12. Continuing to take my meds without fail

S for Sushi

2006-04-02T14:21:00.000-07:00

I sit here typing this with ease. At my left hand is the remains of the sushi I just finished and a quarter of a baguette that will soon also find its place in my stomach.

It is rainy outside, beautiful, dark, and misty. The smell reminds me of home, just barely, the scent of fresh cut grass and rain is enough to send one through the tunnels of time and space to the first time we experienced such a grand and glorious smell.

I just went to see V for Vendetta for my third time and it occurs to me that perhaps I enjoy the letter V in the title of movies. My second place movie is the Village. Yet, as V so eloquently put it, "like God I do not play dice and I do not believe in coincidence."

Today I read for about thirty minutes purely for pleasure. It was the first opportunity that I have had in a while to do so and had the patience in order to do so. It was a book that Ian gave me. At first, I will admit, I could not read the book because it was about something that Ian wanted to do with his life. Something he wanted to do with his life, alone. It is about crab fishing off the coast in Alaska, the single most dangerous job on the planet. It would fill my eyes with tears to know that he wanted so desperately to perform jobs that could, with high probability, cost him his life. The last time I had to consider this was when he was working very hard to get into the United States Military Academy. He abandoned that idea when he realized that he had a life he could not afford to leave. I do not know if he will decide that he now has a life that is affordable to leave, or if he will decide that in the future. I only hope that his voyages would be successful and that he will live to enjoy his profit. I know that he would enjoy that sort of life very very much, and I wish him the most happiness I can with all my heart.

Every time someone hears a part of my life story here, at Creighton, they are taken aback. For a long time I remember Amanda Pena having angered me for what seemed to be a callous remark of the time, "If my mother died, I would not be handling it like you, I would be a total wreck." Now it seems that everyone says that. Robyn remarks it to me on a near regular basis. I feel as though I am some sort of new species, some discovery made along the way. I feel as though I am on stage yet have been given nothing to perform.

I have watched several best-friends die. I have lost my mother. At times I have been left on my own to care for my younger siblings. If this were a nation in some sort of peril, I would be an individual that others would turn to, others would be inspired by. I would be the leader of a revolution.

But these deaths and hardships of mine fall under the category of "coincidence" and are discarded like rubble by the side of the road. Here, I too am discarded and left to continue my life like everyone else, forced to forget these hardships because there is no place for them in the life I lead. How would it benefit others if I were to dwell on these fine lives that have ended before my eyes? How would it help for me to understand why I have been chosen to take hardships that those close to me, even my older siblings, were free to pass up? What good can come of my bad? There is none, and as such I forget what it means to have lived. I endure this world with a mask on. I am neither villain nor hero under the mask. I am simply dead. My feelings can no longer go deeper than the surface when it comes to my life. There is too much pain underneath that I cannot handle. That others, who love me with their entire souls, cannot handle. So I enjoy the surface and do not dare dive further because there is nothing to be gained from that attempt, for you or me.

So I say this today, if I endured what Natalie LouAnn Thomas More Rivera endured, I would be a wreck also. Luckily for us all, no one has to.

"I love you too, and I will always wonder what could of been" -Ian Luders

2006-04-01T00:21:00.000-08:00

So I took a long hard look at myself in the mirror tonight, and I cried.

I have been through many things and have done many things in this body, with this face, but I did not recognize myself.

I had an incredible breakdown tonight and and I lost control on wednesday night. The result was injury to myself and some phonecalls/texts to people in a frantic voice. I have moments where I completely feel as though I have no control over myself.

What pains me truly is that I cannot feel nor express love in any form sometimes. I have loyalty still to all of my friends and family, but I feel like they are so far away.

I feel as though I am cripple and continually people are helping me to my feet. I make it a few steps then fall again and am not strong enough to stand on my own. At least I know I am down though.

I am suffering truly, and it does not help that I am hating myself, truly hating myself for not being able to be there for my friends when they need me.

I was smoking tonight and I realized that the girl who lost her mother, the girl who lost her best-friend to a car accident, a girl who fell hard for a man who joined the army, the girl who recently was completely smashed by the ending of the best thing that ever happened to her. . . was no longer someone I could remember.

I see my eyes and they are bluer than I ever remembered or noticed. Sometimes they seem to have a fire lit in them. I know that when I get my emotions back I will have to deal with my broken heart and face my life alone without Ian. I know that I will never have a mother to turn to. I know that my only environmentally aware friend is gone. I know that I will most likely die single because I am not sure I can handle more heartbreak even though I would love to be, and would make a great mother. I know that my mirror has fallen.

But I am not that girl. Things happened to that girl. That girl did not make things happen.

That girl wrote in her blog about how abandoned she felt. That girl could not understand what life was doing to her. That girl could never face what I am going to.

I will face it. Tonight I cried in the shower for about three minutes and just thanked God with my entire being for having survived. Yes, I only feel pain, but I am still here to feel it.

There was a tornado here on thursday. It was only about ten blocks away. God saved me and my family here. God has saved me through it all.

I do not know what I am doing yet, but I am going to do it well. I am suffering so bad my friends, and every night I go through withdrawl from my meds and face immense loneliness and panic and the desire to kill myself. Every night.

I just do not want to be worse for surviving. I do not want to be cynical. I want others to see my fire and let it help them also.

I talked to Ian earlier this week about our relationship and what happened. His words have been burning in me ever since. "I will always wonder what could of been."

While I love him and I am so crushed and most likely always will love him, I will never wonder what could have been. The fact is, I am nearly positive that any slightly different choice in all my different opportunities would have been the death of me. It's not much, but I'm here, and at least he will always have someone who loves him, even if I never am Mrs. Luders.

My throat burns from my out of hand workouts (for ex: biking several miles, jogging, then sprints) and smoking.

I am ridiculed for my smoking yet I am finding new people that feel the same feeling of discontent towards those that are so judgemental.

I talked to Matt online on thursday. I had said many terrible things about him throughout my time as his friend and otherwise. I realized that I still had feelings for him and tried not to let it show while he told me of some crush he had on another girl. Something I have never really give Matt credit for, even to other people, is that even while his movements have brought him in and out of my life, when he is in it, truly in it and caring about me, he is one of my biggest supporters.

I have not gotten to talk to Kellen recently, but I really want to. I must make it a point to call him tomorrow, but undoubtedly I will forget.

Kenna has been amazing to me. I have never really had the opportunity to be there for her, yet here she is, calling me or texting me everyday. I have never felt so close to someone as I do to her sometimes.

Robyn's Grandmother (takes some explanation, but not actual biological grandmother, but that is an unnecessary point to make) has been told that she only has two weeks to live. I am trying to be there for her, but I do not know how.

I was thrown out of Austen's car last night in a shitty part of town in the rain after him and i got into a massive argument. It was raining, I was in a skirt. It was one of the worst things I could have imagined him doing to me. Incidentally, I later helped him put his stuff into his car so that he could leave Creighton early this morning and avoid saying goodbye to anyone. People like their goodbyes and some of our mutual friends were hurt by his choice of departure. However, I understand his perspective as well and even though I am not really happy with him, he is a good guy and I know he is going to do well.

Foy has been really cool to me lately as well. I love hanging out with him and doing random crap like jamming out to weird Al, or watching tv. The dogs at his house make me so happy, I love dogs and it helps keep me positive about seeing my babies at Easter. I cannot wait to take Chewie to get a haircut on Holy Thursday!!!

I have a crush on my TA in biology. Tomorrow I am asking him out. It is the first person I have had a firey, butterflies in my stomach type, crush on since Ian. I can barely talk sometimes around my TA, it is pretty ridiculous. Most likely he will turn me down. Not like I am new to dissapointment and I am expecting rejection, but I will accept anyone willing to wish me luck!

I stood in the rain early on thurs. (before tornados-ville), and Amelia saw me and exclaimed, "what are you doing Natalie???" Amelia is funny to me because I understand her completely, in a nutshell. Meanwhile, she has told Robyn that I am "a creature [she] can't understand." Derrick says that she has never met anyone like me before.

I am going to start a self-potrait tomorrow. The two sides of Natalie. It will most likely be awful, but I feel that it will get part of my pain out to do it. When the weather is better I will work on it outside.

I have seen V for Vendetta twice now and am seeing it again on Sunday. It is amazing!

I am happy/sad/hyper/exhausted all the time. My moods are radical and my emotions are always on edge. There have literally been moments where I have been laughing with my friends and ended up sobbing only seconds later. It really has taken away all my pride. It is like someone who cannot control their bowel movements, I am dependant on others and have to continually explain my inability to control to sometimes complete strangers.

I came back to God tonight and I came back to myself. I have vowed to both our Lord and myself that I will fight this through now. I pray that my strength will not give out.

I love you all and I want you to know that even though I am changing I hope only to come out better for this. I know that right now you are putting up with all of my shit and I thank you, from the bottom of my heart for doing so. I am sorry that I have been so angry and sad for so long. I hope that when I see you that we will laugh, dance, and sing together and that I will will truly feel the joy of the moments we spend together. I look forward to tomorrow and the chance to talk to you all again. Thank God I will have that chance.

I realize this is a random compelation of all my different thoughts right now, but I just wanted to give whoever is still reading this a part of my life right now. With that said, I love you, goodnight.

When did you change?

2006-03-30T01:19:00.000-08:00

"We will both know when it is over." He said that to me the night we made love in the mountains. The hard part for me is that I do not know it is over.

I held off on telling him that I wanted to kill myself because I was afraid that he would leave me. My phone doesn't ring, he doesn't tell me he loves me, he just lets me fade out. Meanwhile he drinks his life away.

God it hurts, it takes the breath out of me and brings me to tears because he just won't even talk to me anymore. He's cut me out of his life and it letting me go. Just letting me go.

I have about five friends who haven't let me go yet, and they're the only reason I am still breathing right now. I am so sick of the lies.
I am tired of people telling me that they love me and leaving me when I need it the most. God I am sick people telling me that they will call me and saying they won't.

I hate Ian for asking me to marry him when he didn't really mean that he would be there for everything.

I didn't want to tell my best-friend and love of my life that I felt like I had no choice but kill myself, and he left when I needed him the most. That should of been something I could tell him!!!!!!!! Where the fuck is he?

I cry myself to sleep while he forgets what it was like to hold me. I face the mornings in agony of another day while he forgets who he was. He's running and turning into an immature asshole and he can't even see it.

What fucking hurts the most is that I don't really hate him. I try so hard to, but I just fucking love him so much. . and he is killing me.

He could pick up the phone and tell me he loves me. Instead I get, "Yeah I will always wonder what could have been." What could have been?

I loved you. I still love you, and you don't even know I exist anymore.

I hope your new friends make you happy. Seems they give you whatever it is you were looking for. I'm not sure what is so great that you are searching for, but apparently love wasn't enough. That's all I had. I gave you everything I had, every possession every memory, everything that I had, and it wasn't enough.

God I wish you knew how much I love you, because I don't think you even do. All the fights came from my fear that I would lose you, and I was right. You are a coward. You talk of honor and you walked away from the only thing that mattered.

Ian Robert Luders, Ludes, Pookie, Buttons, Pencils, Een, and my dearest friend on the entire planet, I love you with my entire heart, but you are the biggest coward I have ever meant, and that is the most dishonorable thing I could ever imagine being.

Wow

2006-03-27T16:03:00.000-08:00

I ended up passed out on a random male friend's bed on Friday night. I woke up and I didn't even know what happened.

Last night a friend saw me topless and said that I was beautiful, those words shouldn't sting but they do.

My brother told me an awful story from our childhood. . . It made me hate my mother just a little bit more. FYI- A water bottle and backwash. . . that's all you need to know.

I'm throwing my life away, yet still fighting for it with everything I have left. I lost everything, and I guess that makes me the scariest soldier. "The man to fear is the man who has nothing to lose."

My insides feel nothing but pain. I just want to feel happy again.

I know Ian may never believe me, but when I said yes it was not a lie. I was not this bad.

Fucking chemical imbalance of the brain, something I can't even fix myself without the one thing I truly hate, prescription meds. It just got out of hand, and I couldn't see that i had a problem till it was too late.

At the same time, I feel upset that Ian was only willing to talk to me through the good times. . .I listened when he sobbed to me at the beginning of the year about drinking, I was there at the hospital, yet he lies and says he'll call when he doesn't. It burns deep.

I am thinking about hurting myself. . . what's new? I just want to feel something, anything, at this point.

Hopefully I won't end up passed out in a random place during this upcoming week. Austen is leaving, I will miss him. We watched the sunrise this morning.

I just hate life, I hate all of this, yet I know that there is something better than where I am. I just wish I could get out of this place. I am praying for it with my entire soul.

Seduction- A Song For the Suitors

2006-03-27T07:08:00.000-08:00

Would you love me if I died?
Would you still love me if you felt my pain?
Would you still love me if I tried?
Would you love me in still in vain?

Your passion, not compassion,
Was never hidden by your actions,
Or by your words-
It's all a game to you.

You love me, but I love another,
Is that ok with you? or is it just a bother?. . .
Like all these things you never went through before me.

You try and feel these lips,
But they are poison to your pain,
What can I say?
I hate myself for it just as much as you do.

There's still crack cocaine burning in this night,
The cigarette ash is still on the floor,
Making me feel alright,

I hate the way you make me feel,
Making me forget this world;
God these wounds don't seem to ever heal

With every look, every lie,
Every word you try and pacify-
I smell your spirit,
I smell your hope, your life, your wonder and awe.
I can sense you coming, before you let out a word,
Damn you're so predictable boy,
Just give up, I'm not your type anyway.

Light me up some crack cocaine tonight,
Let the cigarette ash litter the floor,
It makes it all alright.

Keep taking in these syllables-
I know you want to hold me,
But why is that? I know you now,
You wouldn't hold death if you got the chance.

Here I am with Regis,
Begging for my last life line,
I asked the audience,
Phoned a friend,
It's unanimous kid,
Look's like we're out of time.

But there will always be crack cocaine burning in the night,
My cigarette ash on the floor,
Does it feel alright?

I'm sorry that I burned you, but now I have to go
They're lighting up
And it's time to start the show

Crack cocaine. . . burning in my night,
Cigarette ash on the floor,
And finally I feel alright.

Emmanuel Hospital ER

2006-03-26T00:59:00.000-08:00

I'm considering going. . . I just feel as though nothing matters anymore and I am really trying so hard.

My counselor, psychiatrist, and doctor are all aghast at the fact that no one at home has really talked to me recently. Jacob won't return my calls. My dad does but we are both too busy to catch each other. Mel hasn't called in quite some time. My brothers are basically ignoring me. But the real kicker for me is Ian.

He had promised to be there for me through thick and thin as my best-friend forever. I have never had a harder time.

Yet, apparently he has not time for me. He has not time to give me a thirty-second phone call even check to see if I am still alive. However, he has been on myspace everyday. He can't even check to see if I am alive. His so-called best-friend. Talk about a shot through the heart. I don't know what to do. I might as well go to the emergency room. . . Because it's not like anyone will miss me.

Barenaked Ladies Making Me Smile

2006-03-22T02:24:00.000-08:00

This song is called "Conventioneers" by Barenaked Ladies and it is my dad's favorite song by them, do not ask me why.

You walked into the room
And the whole place stopped to notice
Standing next to you, I feel hopeless and you know this
I’ve never been ashamed of my attraction
I’d be happy if you gave me just a fraction
As we danced, I could see in your eyes
You and me as senior citizens in love

I followed your perfume out away from all the rabble
Right up to your room for a drink and travel scrabble
You, stationed in the warm glow of the t.v.
Too patient as I’m playing l-o-v-e

And we laugh...and we laugh...and we laugh
And we have to or we’ll end up in the bath

Now we’re in the bath, I’m already thinking marriage
I know that in the past it was something I’d disparage
You turned down all the lights, I lit the candles
We rolled around in robes and hotel sandals
Then you slept, and I dressed, and I left
And I guess I’ll see you monday like before

Before all the fireworks exploded
Our conversations were so loaded, innuendo flying
Now what can we say?
Have a nice day
Looks like rain today...

Now I’m in a cab, heading back to my apartment
Everything is drab, and I wish it never started
Now I’ve landed in this awkward situation
How can I just avoid a conversation?
So I wait, come in late. it’d be great
If you transferred out of state

Something off of Myspace. . . A repeat for some

2006-03-22T02:15:00.000-08:00

This is something I tacked on myspace, thought it was worth it to transfer it over:

I am so heartbroken right now. I have never cried the way that I have for Ian. It tears my heart out just thinking about it. I know how hard it was to watch as he held Nickie, and I know how terrible it was to know that I could not have him before all of this. . . I love him a billion times more than I did previously, so I know it will be a billion times worse to try and be a good friend to him through this.

I have felt God in little moments with Ian. No one made me feel as loved as he did when we decorated the Christmas tree together. No one made me feel so utterly loved and safe as he did when I was sick over Christmas break. No one made me feel so much at home as he did when I was with him.

Yes, I can live without him. I am literally living proof of that. Yes, I can be happy without him. However, it is like having a cloud that always blocks out a little bit of the sun for me. My world was only fully bright when he was in it. I ache all over because I know how much I love him with every breath I take.

There have been moments where I just bawl my eyes out. There have been nights when I just sob myself to sleep. Last night I tried to drink the memory of him away. I just can't escape it.

I love him. I really do. I just keep praying to God every chance I get that this is not it for him, that this is not it for me. I pray that he finds someone that makes him way happier than I can, and that I find someone who makes me way happier than he can. It would be amazing if those people were simply him and I grown up and older, more mature, different yet similar to the selves of now. It is unlikely and I will not push for it. . .but I will never rule out that possibility.

He is going forward and away from me, and I away from him. I see now that there is no longer a bridge between our worlds and it sucks. Sometimes it hurts so bad that I would do anything to stop it. . . just anything. . .but I don't.

I just keep pushing forward through this broken heart. Yet, if I could do it all over again knowing that the result would still be a broken heart, I would do it, because it was the best thing of my life.

As I walked to biology on Friday I swore that I smelled Ian in the hall. . . I had to step out of public view to have a quick cry. God this is hard.

Please never give up on love. It is amazing. It is worth the risks. I am wrecked by it and I am saying that it is bliss, so be fearless and LOVE. For God's sakes people, LOVE.

Two Small Things

2006-03-20T01:24:00.000-08:00

So I talked to Ian as a friend and he told me a "story I think you might enjoy." However, at the end of the story I was completely stunned because it was not a story that I enjoyed in the slightest. In fact, I didn't even understand. It was the opposite of a story I would enjoy.

Secondly, he untagged a picture of him kissing me on facebook. At first I thought that I had failed to tag him, but it turns out that he had untagged himself on it. I then took a quick scan of any other photos that had him and I looking like a couple in them and they too had been untagged by him. It was as if he was trying to erase the entire time we had dated/been engaged by untagging some photos on a stupid website.

Needless to say, I was crushed by the latter. The first one just left me in shock. The thing is, this is the exact same way that he treated me before we became really good friends. It is as if we have traveled back in time and erased any time that we were intimate.

I understand that he needs to do what he needs to do in order to get past this, but some of his actions are just straight up unnecessary and assholish in nature.

I am pissed, sad, and just feeling like I don't deserve this at all. I really don't know what happened to him this past semester, but Ian has changed, and as his so-called best-friend, I don't think it was for the better.

Listening to a fitting song tonight

2006-03-02T23:00:00.000-08:00

I am stressed tonight, I don't know what I am going to say or what he is going to say, but I see him tomorrow. I see the love of my life tomorrow, the first time in two months, and I do not know how he feels about me at all anymore.

Meanwhile Itunes plays Kelly Clarkson's 'Where is Your Heart?'
KELLY CLARKSON LYRICS"Where Is Your Heart?"
I don't believe
In the smile that you leave
When you walk away
And say goodbye
Well I don't expect
The world to move underneath me
But for God's sake
Could you try?
I know that you're true to me
You're always there
You say you care
I know that you want to be mine

Where is your heart?
'Cause I don't really feel you
Where is your heart?
What I really want is to believe you
Is it so hard
To give me what I need?
I want your heart to bleed
That's all I'm asking for
Oh, where is your heart?

I don't understand
Your love is so cold
It's always me that's reaching out
For your hand
And I've always dreamed
That love would be effortless
Like a petal fallin' to the ground
A dreamer followin' his dream

Where is your heart?
'Cause I don't really feel you
Where is your heart?
What I really want is to believe you
Is it so hard
To give me what I need?
I want your heart to bleed
And that's all I'm asking for
Oh, where is your heart?

It seems so much is left unsaid
So much is left unsaid
But you can say anything
Oh, anytime you need
Baby, it's just you and me
Oh yeah

I know that you're true to me
You're always there
You say you care
I know that you want to be mine

Where is your heart?
'Cause I don't really feel you
Where is your heart?
What I really want is to believe you
Is it so hard
To give me what I need?
I want your heart to bleed
That's all I'm asking for
Oh yeah

Where is your heart?
'Cause I don't really feel you
Where is your heart?
What I really want is to believe you
Is it so hard
To give me what I need?
I want your heart to bleed
And that's all I'm asking for
Where is your heart?
Where is your heart?
Where is your heart?
Where is your heart?

33% on my Chem Test

2006-02-27T09:01:00.000-08:00

I failed my test on friday. I had studied really hard all week, but when I sat down to take the test my mind went blank. I could not remember how to solve the problems, what the charge was of some common ions, anything.

My professor talked to me today and told me that I should seek counseling for help with my personal issues. He also told me that he has seen adults crack under circumstances such as mine, and that he didn't want to see me hurt myself because he cares about me.

I just wish the pain would stop. Ian did nothing but improve my grades when I was with him. He was my motivation, and when things were good with him I used to be able to breeze through the tests so that I could talk to him again.

I failed this test worse than I have failed any test ever before. I let my life get out of control and now I am really suffering the consequences. I probably won't blog anymore this week, so if you want to talk to me, I assume you all know my telephone number and if not you at least know my AIM.

I just finished watching Armaggedon. . . .thinking about Ian again.

2006-02-26T20:22:00.000-08:00

This song brought tears to my eyes tonight. Ian was truly a sweetie to me. As my heart breaks I send out a prayer that he is happy, or will be soon. Ian used to sing it to me when I couldn't sleep. I miss him. I love him.

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you’re far away dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure

Don’t want to close my eyes
I don’t want to fall asleep
Cause I’d miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I’d still miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing
Lying close to you feeling your heart beating
And I’m wondering what you’re dreaming
Wondering if it’s me you’re seeing
Then I kiss your eyes
And thank God we’re together
I just want to stay with you in this moment forever
Forever and ever

Don’t want to close my eyes
I don’t want to fall asleep
Cause I’d miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I’d still miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing

I don’t want to miss one smile
I don’t want to miss one kiss
I just want to be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just want to hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And just stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time

Don’t want to close my eyes
I don’t want to fall asleep
Cause I’d miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I’d still miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing

Don’t want to close my eyes
I don’t want to fall asleep
I don’t want to miss a thing

"Give me a good drink, a good woman, and a good mountain." -Ian's Profile

2006-02-26T18:15:00.000-08:00

What is there to say as I blink back tears except that I love Ian? I do, I love him.

I had him. He was mine. I was his. . . and now I. . .

I just love him and I really hurt right now.

Every other time I have hurt in the last two years Ian has been there to give me a hug or comfort me, and I have never hurt this bad before. Maybe that's why it hurts so bad, because I cannot even talk to him about anything. I am just shut out. . .

I hope he is happy, I really in truly hope he is. I'm not, I'm not at all. And now I am crying.

I just love him.

I need to make a Ian-tine patch or Ian-nette gum

2006-02-26T11:49:00.000-08:00

I was talking to Melinda today and I finally understood that I had a problem. I had been obsessive, oppressive, and jealous to Ian in our relationship. He was right, it had not been healthy. I was practically in a state of addiction when it came to him. It was never enough, I needed attention from him all the time, and I would get upset and hurt when I did not have it.

This week has been very hard without him for me. I feel like when I quit alcohol, or cigarettes, and I am passing the three day hump, (even though it is basically a week now).

I was really afraid of losing him. I was really stupid about it. I hope in the future I can show him that I am fine by myself and that he would be an asset to my life, and that I could be one to his. I really hurt him, and I hate myself for it.

He was right, it's not the same. This time I got it. I have a problem and there is nothing that I can do but work on it so that in the future I will not hurt the people I love with it again.

What? You think I'm cool!

2006-02-26T02:41:00.000-08:00

I am hurting a lot less now than earlier today after the phone call. I miss him, I really do. I wish I could be with him, but obviously it is not mutual. I cannot live my life wishing for something that did not work to work, that would be insane.

I was really happy with him though. I had never smiled so much in my entire life. He really just filled my soul with sunshine, made me feel God's love and power in everything, made my world beautiful.

He thought I was beautiful and for a moment, he made me think it too. I felt completely safe with him.

It sucks that everything went so rotten. It really sucks.

Kellen was talking to me on Saturday and said that you cannot really understand love until you feel the pain of it. Now I understand that love is not a power I can control.

I want control back because now all that love does is hurt me, but I am glad that love did hurt me, because it also gave me the best feelings I have ever had.

Coming back from Omaha every time all I could think about was him. From Labor day to right before Christmas with him sitting beside me. I walked on air!

It made me feel like maybe I had gotten something right. For the first time, life was giving me a chance. So ironically I blew it. Bravo to me.

I am going to get Malachai and I am going to be happy. I just looked up the name "Malachai" and it means, 'my messenger, my angel.' I need my dog, and I need it to be my best-friend and I will be its best-friend. I swear my life on it. Perhaps for now my Malachai will be Chewie at a house somewhere near UNM. Perhaps it will be here. . . One year from now. Who knows, but I am not waiting for anyone. I will die for my dog, because dogs make me smile. If they do no other thing besides eat, sleep, and poop, dogs make me smile, and that is enough for me.

People here tell me that they will miss me. So I gave them some advice a good friend once told me, "enjoy the now." It is truly some of the best-advice I have ever been given. I enjoyed my time with Ian to the fullest, and even though it ended romantically, I got the most I possibly could out of that situation.

I got a lot of love, a lot of hope, a lot of friendship, and a lot of happiness. Yes, I also got a lot of heartbreak, but that too will pass. My love for him will not.

As I head to bed tonight I cannot help but think if Ian is truly happy now. On facebook (damn facebook, it is the devil) Ian's most recent pictures are only of him drinking. I want him to be happy. I just hope he doesn't lose himself to the bottle, and without being too egotistical, I hope he doesn't do so on my account. I am not worth that.

I feel like a terrible person again because I hurt him. I never meant to. I guess I will start all over. I feel like a child with a crush for a boy who doesn't know I like him, it is sad, pathetic, and hopeless, but there is nothing I can do, nothing I can ever do, cept keep it to myself, breathe, and hope tomorrow is better.

Talked to Ian

2006-02-25T18:50:00.000-08:00

So I called Ian to help me with a paper because it was on Betta fish and I knew that he was the only person on the planet I knew personally who could help me find sources. It did not make the call any easier. When I called I was so nervous to talk to him I thought I was going to throw up.

We talked for a little while about life and it was so hard to just be his friend and not tell him how much my heart was breaking. When I hung up the phone, I just sobbed for about ten minutes.

I will always be his friend. It will always be the hardest thing for me to just be his friend. I have never loved this intensely before.

I get nauseous just thinking about him dating someone else. He's my buttons. . . only not anymore.

I went and got a hug from Robyn after that and went outside to try and help the immense wound I had just poured salt on with that conversation with Ian.

He told me that he had been reading my blog. I don't know if that means I should not write how I feel or if I should. I don't want him to feel badly for me being in pain, but I don't want to keep him out.

Mostly it just seems unfair. . .he still knows what goes on in my life but I have no idea what is going on in his. I just hurt because I love him.

I am reminded of that scene in Bruce Almighty where Jennifer Aniston is pleading with God to help her to stop loving him. I am nearly to that point. I just wanted/want to be with him, and I screwed things all up. Now I just have to sit back and wait to see if he ever decides that he wants to be with me as more than a friend. I feel like I am dying. . .like someone has stabbed me and I cannot heal but I cannot die, I can only suffer.

I just love him.

What's worse is that all of my friends cannot understand why we are not together. When I explain they just respond with, "you two were perfect for each other!"

My family says the same thing. Hell, HIS family said the same thing.

It seems that the only person who is not saying it is the only one that matters. I love him, I really do. I want to be with him forever. I am so mad at myself for everything that happened that screwed up my chance.

For now, I am really praying for strength so that I can be the friend he deserves when he sees me instead of dissolving into tears like today. I am also praying that he won't forget me when it comes to his list of friends and will call me if he ever needs anything.

I am off to go cry some more, have a good night.

Out on the town

2006-02-24T23:40:00.000-08:00

I got out of my room today and out on the town tonight. It felt really good to be off campus, but at the same time all I could do was carry my dead broken heart.

As we walked out of the movie theater tonight, Rascall Flatts "God Bless the Broken Road" was playing. I remember Ian and I dancing to it one night at my house last semester. The thing is, even if we don't ever work out and even if I have to carry my broken heart with me until I die, it will have been worth it for those few short times when I saw him and it made him happy to be with me. I will miss snuggling, kissing, holding, touching, and mostly talking, but I am just glad I got him for a little while.

I hurt. Yes, I hurt terribly, beyond anything I thought was humanly possible. It hurts to breathe or live, yet I am, and I am gladly doing so.

Perhaps Ian will call me and suddenly decide that he is willing to take another risk on us. More likely, he will never make that call and will only call on me as a friend, and I will be here for him.

Maybe we aren't the best for each other, but God I love him, and I just pray he finds what is the best for him. I really do want him to be happy.

Ian, if you are reading this, this song goes out to you tonight. I hope that your broken road leads you to whomever is going to make you smile everyday. I love you. I wish you only the best on your journey.

Rascal Flatts - Bless The Broken Road Lyrics
I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true
Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

What Really Makes Me Happy

2006-02-24T09:06:00.000-08:00

I was thinking a lot last night and I trying to really figure out what I am going to do with my life in the next six months.

So after not sleeping a whole lot and just feeling this heartbreaking pain and loneliness, I have begun a list of things that make me happy.

1. My dogs- I miss Chewie, Pibb, and Godiva
2. My horse
3. Seeing Ian smile even if it is not caused by me
4. Sunsets and Sunrises
5. Doing something that I didn't think I could do originally
6. Being physically fit (or more so than I have been before)
7. Talking, a lot, to anyone who will listen, especially to people who are close to me.
8. Christmas Eve
9. Driving
10. Making love
11. New Mexico
12. Having dorky, childlike, good clean fun.
13. Having dreams about my Mom or people I cannot be with because then I get them for a little while.
14. Snuggling up next to my Dad
15. Playing games with Dominic
16. Talking online to my family
17. Making others laugh
18. Babies and children
19. It to be quiet ONLY when I am trying to get to sleep
20. Dancing, if only in my room alone

I'm not sure if I am staying at Creighton. . . but I am not sure where I am going either. Call me if you feel like you want more information about it.

What came first, the chicken, or the egg?

2006-02-24T04:11:00.000-08:00

I really lost control yesterday. I had never really lost control, but everything I had been working for or wanted no longer mattered and I didn't know what to do with my career, my future, the next two minutes. I just lost it. Completely. Then I called my Dad and talked to him about it.

"I don't know which came first Natalie: You being crazy and scaring Ian away, or Ian broke up with you, which drove you crazy?"

I think it might be the first one though, with a dash of the second one. I really do love Ian and it has been impossible to live a life I was unsure of before, and now that I am completely unsupported in it. . . Love just isn't enough.

My love or want for dentistry is not enough to keep me in the cold and foggy Nebraskan air one more day, but I will because I need to finish out the semester.

I had never really seen my entire life be flipped upside down and pulled out from underneath me and I am still having random stress/panic attacks even now, but I think it is a good thing. If nothing else, I get to start from the bottom and work up.

Ian is right, I did never listen. Something else he has said, and my roommates now agree, is that I need help. I need professional help. I am crazy, but knowing I am crazy means I am not crazy. . . I just have issues. . . right?

I cannot sleep, I cannot eat, I cannot do anything because I am so stressed out with everything right now. The most frightening thing I have to face, however, is being alone all weekend. I am more of a danger to myself than anyone else.

I really did want to make it work with Ian, and I still would like the chance in the future. However, sense I do not have the chance now, I am going to take this time and get better once and for all.

Then I am going to go to school and be whatever will make me happy. Not because of income, not because of outside pressure, just to be happy.
I think that only once I figure myself out will I be able to be truly loved and love other people.

I get it, ok. Two fiances, 8 months, both saying the same thing when they broke up with me. Obviously I haven't changed, and I really really need to.

-Crazy Ass Girl

Ian

2006-02-21T13:55:00.000-08:00

It is true that my relationship with Ian may be completely over.

It is also true that I should not have called him today, but I do not regret my decision to do so even though it was a bad decision. I would have never understood what I was doing to him because I was dense and failed to listen when I should have.

If it is over, then I will just work to be the friend he needs me to be because I love him and he deserves a supportive and good friend.

However, I do not believe it is over because I love him and he loves me and even though our relationship is different than how it was previously, I think that it can still work if we both try for it. I cannot make him try, and I will not force him to, but I will try on my end to make things work and I will have to see what happens.

I pledge all of the above and swear by them on this day until the day I die.

Also, please disregard my pathetic, completely unhelpful, selfish, and dissoriented previous blog entries from the last two weeks. I would take them down, but then I might forget all the things i have done to him.

Date Night

2006-02-21T12:01:00.000-08:00

Last night it was easy to let him go. I have to let him go.

"If you let a bird go and returns then it is yours. If you let a bird go and it does not return, it was never yours to begin with."

I cannot stop crying. It is terrible knowing that me talking to Ian only hurts him. Further, it tears me up completely that he has nothing to do today and he will not call. I cannot sleep, I cannot eat, I just feel ill (probably because I am also sick and have really bad allergies), but my life is just completely at a stand still.

I know he loves me. I know he knows I love him.

It is the hardest to not have those you love. I just wish he would call, I feel really sick and it is really hard not being able to tell my best-friend about my sore throat and my terrible day.

And it's date night. I have a lot of things to study, but no matter what I study I will not be able to get my mind off of the fact that my phone is fully charged and is not ringing.

I miss him.

I am also scared of when I do talk to him what I should say. There is a lot of pressure put on one conversation that way. If I fuck it up then . . . my whole life will be different for the worse.

I hope he calls, but I will understand when he doesn't, logically. My heart as it is breaking will never understand this hurt and loneliness.

I hope he calls soon.

2006-02-20T14:46:00.000-08:00

I just want to talk to him, about skiing or life, or liberty, the pursuit of happiness. I will talk about anything at this point basically.

I just hope he calls. Why wouldn't he call his best-friend? Unless I am no longer his best-friend.. . ::tear::

I just hope he calls. It kills me that my best-friend won't return my calls or talk to me. Basically it sucks.

Maybe for Christmas in July? (I can only hope. . . )

2006-02-20T06:51:00.000-08:00

All I want for Christmas is You- Mariah Carey
I don't want a lot for Christmas
There's just one thing I need
I don't care about presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true...
All I want for Christmas
Is you...

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don't care about presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I don't need to hang my stocking
There upon the fireplace
Santa Claus won't make me happy
With a toy on Christmas day
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you...
You baby

I won't ask for much this Christmas
I won't even wish for snow
I'm just gonna keep on waiting
Underneath the mistletoe
I won't make a list and send it
To the North Pole for Saint Nick
I won't even stay awake to
Hear those magic reindeer click
'Cause I just want you here tonight
Holding on to me so tight
What more can I do
Baby all I want for Christmas is you
You...

All the lights are shining
So brightly everywhere
And the sound of children's
Laughter fills the air
And everyone is singing
I hear those sleigh bells ringing
Santa won't you bring me the one I really need -
won't you please bring my baby to me...

Oh I don't want a lot for Christmas
This is all I'm asking for
I just want to see baby
Standing right outside my door
Oh I just want him for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
Baby all I want for Christmas is
You...

All I want for Christmas is you baby...

I Am Pretty Lost Right Now

2006-02-19T18:06:00.000-08:00

I cannot sleep. My stomach feels hungry and then when I eat it does not feel full or good.

I popped the "d" key off of my keyboard, so I have to go get it fixed sometime this week.

If my life were a movie it would be something like this:

Natalie walks up Creighton mall, pulls coat tightly around her. Cue an Alicia Keys tragic song. Nat keeps walking, breath is visible. Cuts to shots of her and Ian during better times, laughing, throwing pillows at each other, running and hugging. Cuts back to a close up on Natalie's face that shows a single tear running down her cheek. She enters Kiewit Hall and stops by lobby tv where Olympic skiing is on. More shots of Ian giving her a kiss, her and him petting a dog, her clasping her hands together while she says "PUUUUUleeeeeeeeeeesee?" and him agreeing to whatever it is. Splice with shots of Natalie in a car at night, street lights show glimpses of her staring out a window with an empty look in her eye and some slow motion shots. Finish with a shot of Natalie's shoulders and head in shower. . .weeping uncontrollably. Song ends. . .fade to black.

I am just so lost and I keep hoping that he is happy and not suffering like I am. I know that if we don't get back together I will probably never forgive myself and I will definitely never get over him.

I just ache and there is nothing that anyone or anything can do about it. . . as I stare at my phone.

I am pathetic.

But at least my room is clean!
-Nat

Douglas and Dodge Streets

2006-02-17T22:44:00.000-08:00

Ian and I are finally through.

I think.

I keep hoping he will call and I probably won't even really be able to understand him being gone for a long time. I will wake up thinking about how I feel about him and want to pick up the phone and just before I do I will realize that he is probably dating someone else.

I went to BKing with Priya and Derrick tonight. I tried to eat away my feelings, it didn't work. Regardless, we were driving back and Derrick took a weird route with all these one way streets. Priya asked, "Where are we?" And all I could think was how fitting it was. Are Ian and I one separate and parallel one way streets headed in opposite directions, or am I just supposed to wait and see if he comes to me? Am I supposed to get to him?

I don't know if he still wants me at all, I don't know if he is hoping or thinking anything that I am. I don't know if his heart is aching or if he is crying and there is nothing I can do because he stopped answering his phone. He stopped answering his phone.

He,
stopped answering his phone.

That is what he does for people he hates or is mad at, and I just made the list.

He will see my number and not pick up like he does with his sister, father, mother, or anyone that wasn't me before.

I have never been so alone. He knew me completely, even when I didn't know myself. And he is gone.

I really don't know what to do except try and get on with life. Eat. Drink. Breathe. I guess that is the best plan I have right now.

The best plan I have while Sublime's "Love is what I got" comes on my computer and makes me cry.

I know Ian would have some good advice at a time like this.

I am so empty. I have written a lot of lonely and broken hearted blog entries in my day, but this has just topped my list.

He hung up on me, and stopped answering his phone. It's all I can think about as I hear Ludacris in my head, "Hey this is Ludacris, and they can't come to the phone right now. . . "

I can't even bring myself to take the ring off my finger. I don't know what to do.

Having No One

2006-02-16T00:18:00.000-08:00

I sleep to avoid the fact that there is noone to talk to, but right now I am supposed to write a paper and I cannot ignore the fact that I have noone.

I do not know what to do, I am tired, scared, and so very alone.

The Great Failed Experiment

2006-02-15T23:46:00.000-08:00

It is at least the second time he has been drunk and hasn't called me. I am laying here, wondering what to do with my entire life and he hasn't called. So I pick up the phone and call him. He is about to go to bed.

He used to call drunk and tell me he loved me. Tell me he couldn't live without me, now he drinks to forget me. ("A drunk mouth says what a sober mind thinks.") When I am drunk, all I can think about his him and when I can speak to him again. It drives me crazy, making me just want to sober up and erase my drunkenness because I have missed out on Ian. The feeling is not mutual, but (what can I say?), we are two very different people.

I can hear it in his voice when he says he loves me, that he too is doubting it with every second that goes by. Every time he tells me he loves me, it just burns because I feel as though it is no longer true. It's like hearing the worst lie imaginable.

I can appreciate him wanting to be there for his family. Yet, even though he said I was, I am not yet part of it.

I think he has a lot of stuff he needs to do in his life that does not involve me. Perhaps it is time I stopped holding him back and let him go do it.

With every second that goes by I can see that the dream of Ian setting foot on Creighton campus again is a lie I created to console myself these past few weeks. As his friend, especially as someone who regards him as the love of their life, I cannot let him do it.

My heart is breaking. . . I just don't even know what to say.

On Monday it was Darwin's birthday. Throughout it, I could not help but feel that Alfred R. Wallace probably rolls in his grave. Wallace was so close. If only Wallace had not sent his findings to Darwin, then he would be recognized as the "Father of Evolution" instead of Darwin.

I guess I just sent my findings to Darwin. Now what do I do with my life?

The weekend from Hell

2006-02-12T13:18:00.000-08:00

I had a really bad weekend. Ian and I had a huge argument. It was really really terrible.

I never want to go through this weekend again. More than anything I know that I love Ian and I just want to spend my life with him.

This blog entry is not poetic or clever, it just is. I was a jerk to Ian this weekend, and I want to change that. I don't know how yet, but I want to be the wife he deserves.

United.com Customer Service

2006-01-30T06:27:00.000-08:00

Today I woke up and I just feel alive. I don't want to do chemistry, but I am happy for the challenge.

My stomach is rolling on itself because of the juice and coffee inside it. Citrus plus caffiene. . . bad choice.

Something is missing today.

I just want to recline with Ian, Dominic, my Dad, etc. But instead I pull on a hoody and head to class.

"Oh what a night"
-Nat

OH. . . Hit the Dirt Baby . . .Whoa oh oh. . .Look Out!

2006-01-29T13:45:00.000-08:00

Little Shop of Horrors- Grow For Me
I've given you sunshine
I've given you dirt.
You've given me nothing
But heartache and hurt.
I'm beggin' you sweetly.
I'm down on my knees.
Oh, please-grow for me!

I've given you plant food
And water to sip.
I've given you potash.
You've given me zip.
Oh God, how I mist you
Oh pod, how you tease
Now, please-grow for me!

I've given you southern exposure
To get you to thrive.
I've pinched you back hard, Like I'm s'posed ta.
You're barely alive.
I've tried you at levels of moisture
From desert to mud.
I've given you grow-lights
And mineral supplements.
What do you want from me- Blood?

I've given you sunlight.
I've given you rain.
Looks like you're not happy,
'Less I open a vein.
I'll give you a few drops
If that'll appease.
Now please-oh please-grow for me!

Bringing Me Up- Tearing Me down

2006-01-23T08:56:00.000-08:00

I feel that my friends bring out the worst in me, yet they also bring out the best. I hate the person I am around them sometimes, yet I also love it. It is always extremes.

I just got a new bra in the mail from Victoria's secret. My abs are burning from yesterday.

I am pretty much just feeling out of it a little bit.

Anyway, I gtg.

Since My Best-friend is Also Coming Here Soon--How I felt When I first Visited Creighton in October 2004

2006-01-20T05:55:00.000-08:00

I landed, got off the plane, and stepped into an entirely different world inside that heated terminal. Outside, I could see green such that I had never seen before outside of my crayon box. The air clung to me, a warm blanket I could not take off. I wanted to cry. I imagine this must have been how I felt leaving the womb. I came from a warm safe place protected and loved by family into a world that could cover me with snow, chill me to the bone, strike fear or pain into me unlike I had ever known.

Yet, I wanted to open my eyes wide, take in everything, feel it through my bare hands and my yearning tasteless tongue. I knew nothing of this world and instantly wanted it to be like my old one. I wanted long term relationships, I wanted places that meant something to me, I wanted to feel at home.

I have settled for unknown roads, and people I do not know but who are so friendly that they seem to know me. They speak a different language here, English, and I am nearly fluent now. Everything is different, and I cannot say it was all for good, but some was, and that's good too.

"You two make a gorgeous couple." -Julia Romo

2005-12-18T05:59:00.000-08:00

Ian asked me, on December 16th, at 4 am to be his wife. I have never been so happy in my entire life. The ring is beautiful. My life is FABULOUS. Nay, OUR life is fabulous.

Right now he is house sitting and I am missing him terribly, half of our bed is empty. He makes me smile like no one ever has. All of the things I thought were ugly in myself he loves and makes beautiful. He is my other half, and soon we will be joined together forever.

He is transferring to Creighton and I am ecstatic. When he kisses me it is as if the world stops spinning. We are like puzzle pieces, we fit together and we are two of one whole.

So how did he do it? Well, he flew to Omaha without me having ANY idea. In fact, I was worried that he was hurt, because he hadn't called me all day. Finally I went to bed because there was nothing else I could do. At 3:47 my phone rang, and it was Ian. "God damn it is cold out, you didn't tell me it was this cold in Omaha!"
Sleepy eyed and half awake I asked him what he was talking about. He said that he was outside my building, and urged me to get him out of the 20 degree weather. Needless to say, I doubted him momentarily. However, soon I was out of bed pulling on clothes and dashing downstairs to his arms.

I was worried about him. I was wondering what the love of my life was doing standing before me at 4 am. He told me that he had been stuck in Denver, and he was sorry he was late. Before I could ask why he was in Omaha, especially the day that I was coming back to Albuquerque, he stopped me. He said that since he had been stuck in Denver for a while he had written a song for me. The song he sung was beautiful and spoke of how much he loved me. He kept singing, and it was long, and I could tell that it came straight from his heart. Then came the last line, and the song ended with, "Will you marry me?"

Suddenly he was down on his knee and holding open a ring box. I was in shock. I was not even able to speak. I just hugged him and kissed him, and said, "I love you." He told me that I hadn't answered his question, and so I spurted out, "YES! OF COURSE!"

We spent the rest of the night talking, and laughing, and holding each other. It was beautiful. It was perfect.

At 8 am I went and took a final, and I got to come back to my room, where Ian was asleep in my bed, waiting to hold me in his arms.

I hope that you can all be happy for us, but even if you are not, it does not matter, because we are happy enough for ourselves. I hope that you all can find your perfect partner, your other side, like we have.

Studying for Finals

2005-12-11T11:10:00.000-08:00

I am really tired today. I am on the edge of burning out on studying. It is all I have been doing all weekend. Thinking back to my chapter tests in different classes, they always seem like nothing compared to the final.

My back hurts, I need to shower and I just want to go home. I found out today that my flight is delayed slightly on Friday. . . I am not happy.

I had an interesting discussion with Ian last night, and even though he and I are going to be ok, I feel like I am not myself when I woke up this morning. I felt it deep within me, I was no longer Catholic.

I have often wanted to convert, been unsure of my beliefs, and then woken up to find that I wanted to be a nun. However, I really want to be a priest, something I will never be able to do within the Catholic sexism that exists in my lifetime. I cannot believe that I am a second rate citizen, and I will not get married in an institution that says I am. I cannot.

I guess at this point I should stop typing, because I need to pick up the phone and tell Ian all of this.

On a separate note, however, Matt called me and congratulated me about my future engagement. I have mixed feelings toward the congratulations, because it means that he finally reads this blog, after I no longer want him to. It makes me wonder why he is reading the blog. Finally, it makes me happy that he can be happy for me, but does not increase my likelihood to ever spend time with him again.

Well, time to run. Naptime then studying for theology, spanish, and communications, which are all tomorrow. Not to mention chemistry which I will never be ready for.

Thank You For Gatorade

2005-12-09T10:57:00.000-08:00

I am currently rehydrating. All week I have been very low on it. For a while I just stopped caring. Which is, of course, bad.

I realized today that I am totally in love with Ian. I mean, enough to grow up for him. I was really hurt, but instead of continuing the pain for both of us, I finally just did something about. I had thought (immaturely so) that being the first to apologize and coming up with a solution would mean I had given up, but it actually was the harder thing to do. I love Ian.

I think that in another year and a half, I will most likely be sitting with him in an apartment, dogs at our feet, just reflecting on how much we love our life. I will no doubt reread this blog at some point and say the exact same thing about Ian that I did about Gatorade today.

He refuels me, he saves my life, without him I wither and die. He is my life force.

I had to let go of my past feelings about Matt. I realized that they were like Charlie Horse Time, just a memory, not something I still felt, or needed to. I miss it like. . .karate. Overall, I am better without it, because I am alive.

Only one more week.

SEMESTER IS OVER! I have three finals on Monday, so I am going to go nap, workout, then study. I have no choice but to do so. I think that I will study for COM 152 tonight. Anyway, talk to ya'll later. I love you.

No Escape Panic Attack- Something I Just Can't Get Past

2005-12-08T19:54:00.000-08:00

I figured the best way to state what I was feeling, is put up a little conversation my brother and I had tonight:

NatalieLRivera: so can I tell you something Dominic?
RockLobster3333: yes you can
NatalieLRivera: I'm really broken hearted, and have been for about a month now.
RockLobster3333: Why?
NatalieLRivera: Ian told me. He told me he was going to ask me over Christmas.
NatalieLRivera: It was an accident
NatalieLRivera: but he ruined the surprise.
NatalieLRivera: Then he didn't want me to tell ya'll because you guys were so excited about it.
RockLobster3333: oh man
NatalieLRivera: So the entire last month I've just been dealing with the fact that the best thing of my life was ruined for me.
RockLobster3333: what did he say that ruined it?
NatalieLRivera: "I already asked your dad for your hand."
NatalieLRivera: Then i heard the whole story
NatalieLRivera: about how he asked Dad when Dad was sharpening knives, etc.
RockLobster3333: oh man
NatalieLRivera: Yeah. . . .there's nothing that sucks worse.
RockLobster3333: The WHOLE thing?
NatalieLRivera: not how he was going to do it, just when
NatalieLRivera: which apparently is no longer the plan
NatalieLRivera: because now I know when
NatalieLRivera: it's still ruined for me then
NatalieLRivera: it's the only thing he had to get right
NatalieLRivera: and he blew it
RockLobster3333: ....oh man that blows
NatalieLRivera: yeah. . . which is why we can't tell Julia, for sure.
NatalieLRivera: but it looks like you guys already know how to keep a secret
RockLobster3333: ?
NatalieLRivera: even when I had that conversation w/ you about how Christmas wasn't going to be exciting because Dad wasn't asking her
NatalieLRivera: you didn't tell me. It didn't matter, cuz I already knew.
NatalieLRivera: He had even told my friends hereNatalieLRivera: and they didn't say anything. I was totally oblivious
RockLobster3333: I'm not a surprise ruiner kinda guy
NatalieLRivera: I just don't know what to do now
NatalieLRivera: It just sucks.
RockLobster3333: why does surprise matter?!?! He loves you and it doesn't matter how or when really, just that he loves you
NatalieLRivera: yeah I know
RockLobster3333: it's a good thing, but it's not necessary
NatalieLRivera: it is necessary
NatalieLRivera: because as my bestfriend
NatalieLRivera: he ruined it
NatalieLRivera: I would have NEVER done that to him
NatalieLRivera: imagine the BEST gift you could have possibly ever imagined getting in your entire life
NatalieLRivera: and then your bestfriend blowing the surprise
RockLobster3333: He didn't mean to!!
NatalieLRivera: when no one else even considered it
NatalieLRivera: Actually he did.
NatalieLRivera: He did it intentionally
RockLobster3333: WHY?!?!?
NatalieLRivera: because we got into a stupid spat over something small
NatalieLRivera: and he was afraid I would leave him
NatalieLRivera: so he told me that
NatalieLRivera: so that he could prove how much he loved me
RockLobster3333: god fucking damnit IAN!!!!!
RockLobster3333: AAAHHH
RockLobster3333: ::sigh::

Pepsi in the Debate Room

2005-11-29T17:07:00.000-08:00

I quit the team, which was a hard but good choice.

They lit up the Christmas lights here on campus, so the campus is beautifully sparkling into the night. While I appreciate it and it makes it feel like home, I can only help but cynically think that it is my tuition moneys going to light the pathway of the mall.

I guess that is my attitude on life all the time though. I am pissed that it had to be Ian who has chest problems. Why couldn't it be someone else? I am continually tried by God, asked for patience when I do not have any.

I love Ian, and I will care for him no matter what comes, but I resent the fact that him and I have to face this, instead of some other anonymous teen.

So Matthew gets great, perfect health? So he can go break another heart, while Ian stays loyal and dies?

I am angry, on the verge of tears. It makes me so mad because I do not even feel like I can really put anything of mine of Ian's shoulders, as the days go on, he is able to carry less. When the day comes, will he teach me to ski? Will he be able to?

Will we ever hike again? Hell, we didn't even make it to the foothills to see the city lights. . .

I started running again, but it is not fulfilling me. I go to class and I am an intelligent but average student in the class. I come back and I act like a dumbass for my friends' entertainment. I guess it just gets more empty because nothing has ever really worked out for me in my life, so I expect this to be no different, which is no fault of Ian's. No fault of mine. Just. . . .Life.

I am happy, content, or should be. I am just really mad that, MY mother had to die. That MY newest friend, and love interest had to die. That MY bestfriends have always abandoned me for their West Points, their Seminaries, their public schools.

Everyone tells me this is life, but if so, why do I not see that? Why do MY grades, MY work, take so much more effort than anyone?

Why am I forced, FORCED, to love people who die or leave? I am quickly approaching a deep loathing for God's unhelpful answers to my pleas. I just want to know why.

I want to know why Ian is sick. Why does his chest hurt all the time? Why did it have to be him? Why did God make me love him, only to punish him for me getting close?

Just when I was able to recognize that my Mom's death was not my fault, I begin to doubt that claim. I feel like I am poison. Poison Ivy, seducing others to their death. No, but I am not even clever, I am just a sad pitcher plant. A slow end to others.

Toilet Paper Rash

2005-11-28T16:28:00.000-08:00

The toilet paper here at school might as well be sand paper on my ass. I think that actually might be a better choice because then it would only exfoliate instead of tearing a gaping bloody hole near my rectum.

On that note. . . "If Natalie were here, I am sure she would like to say something." I love Dominic Robert Richard Rivera. I cannot wait for him to get confirmed and add a confirmation name to that.

I am thinking of legally changing my name to include Thomas More.

My loft is swell, although I almost took out my roommate via knocking my alarm clock off of it earlier.

I am pretty much just sitting here, procrastinating on my speech and thinking about how much I hate a lot of things.

I am lonely, and homesick, but don't really want to be bothered by anyone, all at the same time.

::sips coffee::

Just one of those days I suppose.

-Nat

For The Small Things; For Ian on the Journey Home

2005-11-23T12:15:00.000-08:00

I am coming home in only a few short hours. In fact, I will leaving for the airport in only about an hour and a half. Right now I am totally freaking out in expectation.

I walked to McDonald's with Austen today, I accidently threw away my ID with my trash, so I ended up digging through McDonald's garbage to retrieve it. ::chuckle:: Life, it never gets old.

Anyway, I am so nervously excited right now. I plan to spend the entire flight in anxious prayer and meditation in the hopes I will be prepared to see you, the family, and everyone else.

This song was on my computer when I came back from lunch. I feel it expresses how I feel right now. In fact, how I have felt for a long time. I am more in love with you, Ian, than I have ever been in love with anything or anyone. You make my heart fillled to the brim, you fill my soul with sunshine, you make me whole again.

The Luckiest- Ben Folds
I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here

And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

What if I'd been born fifty years before you
In a house on a street where you lived?
Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike
Would I know?

And in a white sea of eyes
I see one pair that I recognize
And I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you

Next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties
And one day passed away in his sleep
And his wife; she stayed for a couple of days
And passed away

I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belong
That I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

"It's a hard knock life."

2005-11-20T21:23:00.000-08:00

Jesus,
I know that you and I frequently do not talk a lot, but I thought that tonight would be the right time to do this. I haven't really been talking to my Mom recently either, because I have just assumed she is safely in your loving arms. I am not sure what you are calling me to do, but can you let her know that I am safe, and happy and in love? Also, I hope to understand what you want from me very soon.

I love you very much Lord. Please grant me your mercy and let me see your plan for me.
Your Daughter,
Natalie LouAnn Thomas More Rivera

Changing Status on Facebook

2005-11-17T06:58:00.000-08:00

Ironically, this song was playing on my computer this morning when I started it up.

Hoobastank- Running Away
I don't want you to give it all up
And leave your own life collecting dust
And I don't want you to feel sorry for me
You never gave us a chance to be
And I don't need you to be by my side
To tell me that everything's alright
I just wanted you to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you
So why are you running away?
So why are you running away?
Cause I did enough to show you that I
Was willing to give and sacrifice
And I was the one who was lifting you up
When you thought your life had had enough
And when I get close, you turn away
There's nothing that I can do or say
So now I need you to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you
So why are you running away?
Why are you running away?
Is it me, is it you?
Nothing that I can do
To make you change your mind
Is it me, is it you
Nothing that I can do
Is it a waste of time?
Is it me, is it you?
Nothing that I can do
To make you change your mind
So why are you running away?
Why are you running away?...
What is it I've got to say...
So why are you running away?...
To make you admit you're afraid...
Why are you running away?

Red Wedding Dress

2005-11-17T00:33:00.000-08:00

I feel as if you are using my love for you against me. This whole thing is tearing me up inside, and i cannot believe you told me after I asked you not to.

I don't think we should date anymore, I am really wrecked, and you only continue to hurt me with your lies.

However, I am also really tired right now. Maybe things will be brighter in the morning, maybe not. I don't know yet.

The Worst Thing

2005-11-11T22:15:00.000-08:00

"Just when you think you understand life, it rips it out from under you, cripples you." -Ian Luders

I am totally in love, but cannot have the person I love. I know that we talk all the time, but it stings every time you miss the rain here, every time I turn to tell you something and you are a thousand miles away.

It hurts worse than anything. I have delt with my entire life alone. Just when I find someone to share it with, to understand it with, I can't be with them. Cruel Irony.

Fuck Dentistry.

That's all I have to say.

Middle Naming You - (for the love of my life as he sleeps tonight)

2005-11-11T01:01:00.000-08:00

I drink in your words-
Like raspberry on my tongue

Tart sometimes, yet sweet, can't get enough
Eat too much, know that I will pay for this-

endless consumption of you.
You are too much, yet I can never get enough!

Eventually sick, or No?
Guess you are more like a food I do not know at all.

But I eat you everyday,
Take you in

Consume you every way I can
Eat you up

Sweet, sour, you fill my senses
Make me crazy

What Garden of Eden did you exist in before?
I am filled with you,

Yet you make me yearn for you,
But my stomach never reaches its peak,

Just sweet bliss
Ever in my senses

Tastes of nectar, wine,
And well, honey. . .

I love you.

Cheating

2005-10-31T11:57:00.000-08:00

I picked up the phone yesterday and a voice came over it through the other end. The only thought that ran through me in that terrible horrific instance was, "YOU ARE STILL IN LOVE WITH HIM." I have been kicking myself over it for nearly 24 hours now. I feel unfaithful to Ian on so many levels sometimes, yet I have never actually done anything that would constitute cheating towards him.

On that note, here is a song I wrote for Ian about a month ago. It's called "Stones"

I wrote a song today,
Had you as my melody,
Singing your sweet chorus out to me-

I saw a photograph,
Of us long before,
Long before you ever thought
That you might truly love

It reminded me,
Of that time
we tossed stones
Into the river~

Well, why did you?
Oh, why did you have to go?

Oh, oh.

I knew you then,
Better than you knew yourself,
But you knew someone else-

Oh why did you go?
Why did you have to leave me?
Why did you have to go and run away?

I loved you more,
Than you loved yourself,
But you never loved you,
‘cause you loved someone else!

I took the photograph,
Out of the frame today,
The picture is unclear,
So I just I just threw it away.

Don’t remember that,
Day we threw stones into the river,
Don’t have the picture anymore.

And I ask myself,
Why did I have to go?
Why did I have to leave?
Why did have to go. . .
and
run away?
Run away.
Run away.
Yes, Run away!

Can’t remember that,
Day we threw stones into the river,
I think I lost the picture,
Yesterday.

Testing out Blogger.

2005-10-26T13:06:00.000-07:00

Blogger works again on Mozilla! I am just testing out the new internet and VERY happy to have it back. Anywho, I love you all!

A Poem for No One

2005-10-25T21:22:00.000-07:00

The miles stretch out between us,
The map we are on,
Expands to show it all,
The scale proportions become more ridiculous-
As we get further apart.
Sometimes it grows,
Like a continent shattering
as the Earth rips
itself
ap art-

Do you feel it?
The world trembles in its desperation to separate us.
In those moments,
I am myself again.
Just myself.
Instead of
Us.
Because we. . .
We ached,
We were sick
(Oh, so sick!)
I can still smell the sterile hospital,
See the gown that revealed your hairy, shivering, and frightened legs.

I cannot forget the low canyons we laid in together,
Always unable to climb out,
Staring at the stars
we could cry together,
lie together,
and hoped to die together.
We would be there, at the bottom
Staring up into that ignorant sky,
Watching the stars,
Awaiting a ride on a shooting,
Nay, blazing!
Beautiful savior we both just knew would arrive.

Then it did.
And it deposited us so far from each other.
We hitched a ride on a star that took us from the deathly darkness we had breathed in for years!
When the sun hit my face,
I was blinded,
I do not even think I ever saw your face through the darkness,
Yet I knew you once.

When my new friends look at me,
They see the high head,
Inner pride,
A life that burns with stubbornness,
Hope.

Sometimes at night,
I feel these miles begin to stretch between us again,
I wonder if you are in the light finally,
Or if you lost your life to give me mine.

I do not wish to be back there,
I know that I am better without you,
But Hell with a friend is always better than a Heaven with no one you know.

I stare back up at the lonely sky,
And a cold salty drop falls from my eye,
For a moment I let myself believe that you are there,
Right beside me,
Then I turn, and the miles
They stretch out between us.

Mr. Mom

2005-10-24T00:01:00.000-07:00

I desired to be the stay at home parent when I was older because I wanted to be able to rely on someone else to support the family financially. In many ways, I did not want the responsibility of bringing home the bacon singularly because it would have been nice to have been able to rely on someone else to do that instead.

I guess a part of me just wants to go back to being a kid again. 5 years old, no cares in the world except trying not to upset my older brother Alex. Never again will that be an option.

I feel my Dad's eyes on the back of my head as I study, awaiting my arrival at what will eventually be our office. I know that I will have to come home from work and regain my patience in order be there for my kids, the same way my father probably did everyday to face the family. I often wonder how my father did it, since I cannot remember him having an escape from his duties. Even when on vacation, there is a patient of my Dad's, running up to say hi to him. While he enjoys the recognition, I am sure that he wishes he could just step away from it as well.

I worry that I am only doing it for the money now. As Geneva Luders said, "Money is great because it provides opportunity." Perhaps I am just more interested in the opportunities that I may one day gain for my family, than the opportunities I am sacrificing for myself.

Never will I be free to live life for the moment. How can it be that society has made me already look forward to the lazy days of retirement? I am 19, and already I want to be free from my future responsibilities.

I know that I will most likely be married to a Mr. Mom, and this has many negative and positive qualities about it. I just do not know why I am so motivated to get somewhere I am not sure I ever wanted to be, Carpul tunnel syndrome, highest suicide rate, a practically cubicle atmosphere working on something the size of an apple, why the fuck does that appeal to anyone?

I just want to be free of this cross, yet I know that I have been given to those around me to serve. More and more I feel that I am not my own, but God's servant, something I am not even sure Ian believes me on. I fear that he does not understand the need I feel inside of me to make others happy.

I am just struggling right now, and the most important thing to me above all, is not repeating Christmas, and not pulling Ian back into the pit. I must climb out myself this time, and stay out.

Volume at 23 on the Car Radio (A reflection on my recent trip home)

2005-10-23T16:31:00.000-07:00

This post is currently being hand written on the back of a plane itinerary on board a flight from Denver to Omaha, to be typed up later.

My first comment is quite a simple statement, and that is that New Mexican food is unlike anything else. I love it.

Secondly, I really loved playing Mario Party with Dominic this week. I will be recruiting him shortly as well as kellen, Ian, and Jimmy for some Tuesday night Wizard card playing online. Dominic has grown up a lot in the time since I first left for school. Perhaps we both did. However, I do have to agree with Ben in that Dominic and I bring out the worst in each other. When I dropped Dominic off to go camping, I was so sad. I really wanted to play Nintendo later that night, but I didn't have my buddy to do it with.

In regards to Ben, I must remember to support him more in the future. He has grown into a creative and beautiful spirit that is independent and mature beyond his years yet remains somehow not nearly as jaded as I was by then. I admire his aged yet pure soul and intellect. It is oly in a blog that I know he will not read that I am able to speak of him so openly and highly with nor regard for upsetting his modesty.

I talked to Matt this week, ::sigh:: I miss him. I miss the good times we had together. I miss the Pop-Pops crew. While many cannot understand why I talk to him still despite how much it sometimes injures me, he will always will be one of my bestfriends. He will always be tight with me.

In regards to my Father, nay, all adults, I have finally become one of them! I love conversing with my parents, others parents, and I love not having to explain myself.

I am really happy with my relationship with Ian. We endured some serious "arguments" while I was in NM, but the reason I put them in quotations is because we didn't really fight, but it could have been really ugly. Further, I realize that he is my other half. I no longer desire to be with him, because I have accomplished that. Instead, I know that I am with him, and he with I, so now I strive to be a positive attribute to his life. I want my eternity with him to be beautiful. I figured I would never ski again, but I want to, just to know what he loves so much. I want to be there with him as he graduates. I want to smile at him from the hospital bed as we bring our future children into the world together. I am so happy with that relationship it is ridiculous. I guess I already said that.

Most of what I learned in New Mexico will take more time to put into a blog, except that I love New Mexico. It is where I want to call home, for the rest of my life. It is beautiful, serene, and comforting in an exciting and Hispanic way. It was nice not to be the only one who loved green Chile. Anyway, I suppose that will do for now. Until the next time,
Buenos dias mis amigos. Vaya con Dios.

The only blog this week- And probably Next

2005-10-11T23:44:00.000-07:00

I am going back to Albuquerque, and i am really excited about it. Probably won't get to talk a lot until i am back in town. I hope you are all doing well!

Yellow Roses

2005-10-08T13:52:00.000-07:00

I am sitting near a dozen of the most beautiful roses I have ever seen in my life, and I am completely won over by them. They are from my lover, the man who has stolen my heart away, Ian Luders.

This time here, despite the many friends I have made and continue to build relationships with, seems to be just that, time here. I am just spending time waiting to go back home, which now I do not know where it is. It is with Ian. I know that.

I would live in a tepee if he wanted. I would live in Socorro. I would live in Alaska, but I would definitely ship myself some green chile. I want to live wherever with him.

"Don't forget to stop and smell the roses." Well let me tell you, they are sweet. And as I hug my jacket around myself and head out into the frosty morning, I know that I am loved, and that he is loved as well.

Never was there a partnership, a friendship as that of me and my friend Ian.

I love you Pookie.

Sometimes, it would be cooler to be a monkey.

2005-10-06T11:50:00.000-07:00

I have been been reflecting on it today and I just feel awful. It's my birthday, and I am very excited about it, but one of my friends and I looked at each other here on campus, and we realized that we were attracted to each other. There was an awkward moment, and then he said, "Well have a good birthday." And I said, "Yeah, you have a good day too." Then we hugged and headed in opposite directions when in actuality I should have been heading in the same direction that he was, but I didn't want to walk with him.

He has a girlfriend, and while I found him attractive, it wasn't like I wanted to get involved with them. But now things are just going to be awkward. Neither of us did anything wrong, just human feelings I suppose.

Anyway, my birthday today has been awesome! I just was listening to Gollum's song, so I included the lyrics.

Gollum's Song
Where once was light
Now darkness falls
Where once was love
Love is no more
Don't say goodbye
Don't say I didn't try

These tears we cry
Are falling rain
For all the lies you told us
The hurt, the blame!
And we will weep to be so alone
We are lost
We can never go home

So in the end
I'll be what I will be
No loyal friend
Was ever there for me

Now we say goodbye
We say you didn't try

These tears you cry
Have come too late
Take back the lies
The hurt, the blame!

And you will weep
When you face the end alone
You are lost
You can never go home
You are lost
You can never go home

Would you love me if I was crazy?

2005-10-01T22:10:00.000-07:00

I am crazy, completely, always have been.

I'm different, not the same, the one that doesn't belong. I'm ok with that. I am tired of facing judgment, of dealing with other people's judgment.

I mean, do they know what it is really like to eat an orange? Do they know that grass is oh so much greener when you lay in it? That leaves have to be pulled off trees and ripped to shreds? That music can take you a million miles away, that a book can make you anybody?

I am crazy, I really am. I want to do crazy things, I want to hike Everest. I want to see the world from a thousand feet under the ocean, I want to know what someone has never known before.

I want to be different. I want to be special.

But would you still love me? I know that your answer is yes, but then I worry, do you only love because I am crazy? Would you love me if I was like everyone else?

I just don't know anymore, these answers. I don't know myself. I am lost in thought, in work, in study. I am lost in love.

Would you love me if I was a vampire? If I took other people's lives so that I could survive? Would you love me if I was crazy?

Would you trust me, if I asked you to jump off a cliff with me?

I want to be free. I want to stop these painful visions, but yet I know that they hold the answer. I am crazy I know, which is why I turned off the comments to this particular post, because I don't want to know what you have to say about it.

shhh, don't tell me. I'm crazy.

"It's the American Dream- Sex, Drugs, and Movies"

2005-09-30T21:27:00.000-07:00

It is hard. Letting go of the past, moving on. I removed Matthew from my buddy list because I could no longer handle the mindless small talk. Individuals I haven't talk to since fifth grade have more fulfilling conversation with me now than Matthew does. It would not be so hard, but I can recall the green truck, the way he kissed, being totally consumed by him and trying to explain it for others; now, people look at me and I have to tell them that I do not know a thing about him, nor him anything about me.

I watched the first episode of Ally McBeal that I have since I watched the show with my Mother, when she was still alive. I cannot say more than that, about that, because it is too heartbreaking to talk about. I will probably sit back and watch another episode in a few when I regain some composure.

I miss Ian. I love him so much it pains me to know that I am spending my college years away from the person I love, because I love them enough to do that. I see sweethearts running to each other on campus, lovers exchanging kisses on the lawn, and I just have to nod and pretend like I am happy when everyone asks me why my eyes fill with tears.

I never thought I could care about someone like I do with Ian. We talk about everything, from sex, to dreams, to fears, to racist jokes and boogers. I feel sometimes as if I am emptying myself out. My deepest confessions pour out of me, things I am barely able to admit to myself, I am able to tell him. It depresses me to actually think about going a few hours without having told him something to make him smile.

Yes, I am obsessed. So obsessed it is ridiculous. When I study, I study for him. When I am happy, when I eat right, I do it for him. For my best-friend, for the most honorable person I have ever known. If he ever asked me to stop being obsessed, or to leave him alone, I would, for him.

Tonight he is at a memorial service for his uncle, and I am dissapointed because I do not know what to do for him.

I dreamed about him today, that somebody hurt him. I have never wanted to kill anyone more in my life. It was terrifying how passionate I was about it. Ian stopped me, but I hated that person.

You know, I was shattered by Matthew. Let alone my Mother's death. I think if something happened to Ian, that would completely destroy me. I would have nothing left, except a jaded cynical view of the world. Ian taught me how to smile again. That is not a skill that can be easily remastered, and it is definitely not something that just anyone can teach.

In Regards to My Love- Buttons

2005-09-28T16:42:00.000-07:00

Last night I still lay awake after all the shit had hit the fan, and I was bothered, because in an effort to make myself feel better, I had hurt Ian. That was not my intention.

I love Ian. I see him and I in the classic friendship relationship. He is my Mulder. . .I can only hope I am his Scully. (Facebook photo was inspired by this).

I really hope he knows how he drives me crazy. I hope he understands that I cannot stand the idea of another girl holding his hand, or making him smile the way he does when I kiss him on the nose.

I love that he is taller than me. I love that he is the best friend I have ever had.

In Regards To Matt

2005-09-28T15:54:00.000-07:00

"Are you in love with him, or the idea of being in love with him?"-Diego Duran

I am in love with the idea of being in love with him. I am in love with having what we might have. . .of what could have been.

But things were never as good as I romantically remember them, the way I have built him into some sort of hero, despite it all. I remember Matthew clearly, and I cared so much for him. . .my heart is still smashed upon the rocks everytime I think about him. I remember the truck after graduation. . .I remember it all, probably more than he even does.

Courtship

2005-09-27T19:25:00.000-07:00

I remember how it used to be, when you and I would brush against each other and oh what a big deal that was. I remember that feeling when you kissed me for the first time, or when we made love. As this courtship continues, as you continue to change my life over and over again, I gasp in breath at the way you steal my heart away.

Yet I hurt, because something is still not right with me.

I picture you standing over a baby crib, laying down our child. I imagine you, asking my father for my hand. I can see it all, and yet it scares me to death.

I sometimes wonder why you know me so well, you are my bestfriend, yet you know me better than I know myself.

I felt like I was cheating on Matt, which is why I wanted to tour your school. I don't want you to feel like that too.

We may not both gasp as your hand accidentally brushes against mine, but now there are no limits. I know you like I have known no one else, and you know me. Don't be afraid to kiss me. Kiss me hard, kiss me soft, kiss me anyway you desire.

I miss you at night.

I miss spending my days with you. I feel like only half a person now.

"How do married people sleep at night?" Ryan's question eats away at my stomach everyday. How can married people sleep at night? How can they not talk for hours, or spend the night staring into each others eyes?

How can we be totally consumed by this love for each other and just accept that it might not work? For me there is no doubt. I might as well as you what we are going to name our first dog.

And that sureness scares me. Remember when I asked you and Jacob at Denny's how you know someone is the one? You just do.

Because I see it in you. And even if you do marry some ditzy redhead name Jazelle, I'll love her, because you do.

This courtship of ours is so beautiful it breaks my heart. I have asked for God to prove he is there to me after everything he did to me, and despite all the signs he gave, sunsets and sunrises, snow, the smell of a horse , the only one that makes me cry in pure joy, is us.

I think back to Weasel, and how sweet I thought he was. I thought he was the most romantic guy ever, that I would never know another like him, and I was right. I know someone better.

I love you Ian. This courtship is completely changing everything for me, in the best way possible. I am so happy I want to burst sometimes.

I am just very lost, and still very broken, but do me this favor, and kiss me, like you know you own my heart, because you do.

Cheating On. . .Matt?

2005-09-26T09:13:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when I am talking to Ian, I feel as though I am cheating on Matt. Even though I am no longer with Matt, the feelings I have for him sometimes show up in my relationship with Ian.

To make it worse, sometimes I think I am cheating on Ryan. . .

I am thinking about taking a nap. I am not going to, but I am thinking about it. Actually, maybe I will power nap, that would be so swell. . .

Anyway, I hope you are all doing well.

An update on me, I just finished the Order of the Phoenix, and I have to say OH MY GOD. I ordered the sixth off of amazon, and I am about to piss myself in expectation. Secondly, I have not been sleeping well. I awake worrying whether Godiva is ok, or Ian, or Dominic, and then I realize that I am not in Albuquerque. I wake up from nightmares I can't remember and I am barely sleeping any sort of reasonable time at all now just to counteract my oversleeping these past few weeks in a desperate effort to regulate my schedule. I just want to throw in the towel and have a good nap to celebrate. Damn.

Finally, I am really happy with life. I am now dating my bestfriend, and even when him and I argue, I know that I still have my bestfriend on the other end of the phone. Granted, it is my incredibly handsome and ultra romantic bestfriend, but I guess that's why I am the luckiest girl on Earth!

I hope you all have a fabulous day today!

For Matthew

2005-09-24T13:29:00.001-07:00

I had once thought that I would walk up the aisle, to be handed off by my dad, into your outstretched and loving arms. I thought that we were meant to be, but I know that when we tell each other that we are engaged to other people, our healed hearts will still ache as we hand an empty congratulations out to one another. I know now that you will never invite me to your wedding because it will be too hard for both of us, at least that is what you told me over the summer. I once thought that I would be the girl in the white dress, now I know that I will not be at your wedding at all. Perhaps it is better I am not there, although you will be invited to my own.

I know in time you and I will be able to simply be friends, maybe we will even be able to forget what once was. Yet I can not imagine forgetting how you and I made love, how you and I laughed and cried together.

You should know that I try to everyday, because there is nothing I can do to change your mind. There is nothing that I would do to change your mind. You were not willing to go the distance, it was not worth it to you, and I forgive that, because you had other goals.

When I close my eyes I can still feel you against my lips, your eyes peering into my soul.

Perhaps I have asked too much of myself recently, trying to get over you, and Ryan, and be there for Ian. I had not reflected on you in a couple of weeks because it was easier to think of you only as another friend, rather than the man who broke my heart. But now I am dying as I think about it. Pigeons, ha!

Finally, I really wish that you and Ian would get along some day. I do not fall in love everyday, and I do not fall in love except with men who really deserve it, yet both of you have managed to steal my heart away. I hope that someday you will be happy for us, and that you and Ian can put all your differences behind you and understand like I have been forced to, that the past is, history. Just grow from it. Don't let it ruin you. Don't let the next girl hurt you like I did. Make sure that you love her with your whole heart, never hold back, and never let her go. You'll be her everything, never take that for granted.

I heard the following song by Savage Garden today, and I just wanted to say, that even though it didn't work out, I will always remember the good times. I love you Mateo, for being Flipper and my friend, and continuing to be there for me now. My phone is always on, if you ever need anything.

"Here I go again I promised myself I wouldn't think of you today
It's been seven months and counting
You've moved on
I still feel exactly the same
It's just the that everywhere I go all the buildings know your name
Like photographs and memories of love
Steel and granite reminders
The city calls your name and I can't move on

Ever since you've been gone
The lights go out the same
The only difference is
You call another name
To your love
To your lover now
To your love
The lover after me

Am I all alone in the universe?
There's no love on these streets
I have given mine away to a world that didn't want it anyway
So this is my new freedom
It's funny I don't remember being chained
But nothing seems to make sense anymore

Without you I'm always twenty minutes late

Ever since you've been gone
The lights go out the same
The only difference is
You call another name
To your love
To your lover now
To your love
The lover after me

And time goes by so slowly
The nights are cold and lonely
I shouldn't be holding on
But I'm still holding on for you

Here I go again
I promised myself I wouldn't think of you today
But I'm standing at your doorway
I'm calling out your name because I can't move on

Ever since you've been gone
The lights go out the same
The only difference is
You call another name
To your love
To your lover now
To your love
The lover after me"

Blogger for Word is Shit

2005-09-22T10:48:00.000-07:00

Ok, so my first blog off of word was deleted. I am not sure how I feel about it as of yet, because I have not gotten it to work yet.

I sometimes feel as if I am a prophet. I know what others are going to say, I know what they are thinking, before they utter them aloud in a sad attempt to know themselves. I feel the walls shake with their tears, I can move the world, can change it, all in my restless sleep.

The Exorcism of Emily Rose scared me for two reasons. First, the jurors failed to take ANY notes during a trial in which a man was being tried for murder. That is a crime to itself in this world. Secondly, she was a hypersensitive, meaning she could see the future and thus was more prone to demons. Could this be true?

I have been sleeping more than ever and still I get no rest. I close my eyes and I see horrible things. The haunting of my past, dreams of a child forgotten. I see Matthew, and my heart breaks with love. Yet, I see Ian, and I am whole again. I see a future that is not to be, I see the future as it is. I see the dead. Sometimes I awake, wondering how I am not dead.

I do not want to sleep, do not want to know more, yet feel as if there is a dream I have continually forgotten that I must see again. It is an addiction I cannot break. Now as I sit here beside my bed, I wonder how long it is before I give in to my desires. Even when I do not need to sleep, I count down, measuring out my breaths until they are slow, meditating on the visions that are to come, and I am gone.

I sleep more than half my day away sometimes. I could rise and do other things, but I close my eyes again, and see the things I cannot with my eyes open.

I know it all, this prophesy inside. Yet being a prophet implies that I am some spokesperson, that I have a message, but I do not, I just know the truth. The horrible, awful, addictive, truth that my mind gives me in sleep.

Well, I am being hailed by sleep, but I am not tired. I will speak again when this madness ends.

"Don't wake me, I plan on sleeping in." - The Postal Service

Ian- This is What I Couldn't Say On The Phone

2005-09-21T20:04:00.000-07:00

I laugh it off now, because in truth, it is quite funny. I mean, I could not have imagined a more ironic Valentine's Day, but it also scares me.

I used to break up with men, so that they could not break up with me. That way I left them, before they could even consider it, cut them off at the pass.

Then I trusted you, and Valentine's day rolled around. I cried a lot, although I did not do it in front of you.

Months later, I would trust again, to be completely wrecked by Matthew.

Now I wonder when the next time will be. It is not that I do not believe that you love me, I know how much you love me, but the paranoia keeps me awake at night, wondering how many more hours you might love me for.

I think you are going to leave me, and you have given no indication that you are going to. I am sorry, but I cannot help but feel that maybe this suspicion has some sort of legitimacy behind it.

I do not want to hold you in something you do not want to be a part of, I am just scared that I will again have no warning, and be left with no idea what to do from there.

I always hated Valentine's day. It's a damn Hallmark holiday, but I have heard that people who have bad experiences with love are the only one's that hate it. I just don't want to relive last year's Valentine's day. I also don't want to relive my 3rd grade Valentine's either, because I threw up all over myself in the car on my way to school to tell Andre that I liked him, but that is another story.

Wordless Poem - For My Celtic John

2005-09-19T21:47:00.000-07:00

I sit staring out this window,
Watching as Apollo's chariot melts into the horizon,
Setting the sky ablaze in a fiery passion,
But my mind is taken by thoughts of you.

Thoughts I cannot seem to put into words-

You are my wordless poem,
Your lips call me without sound,
Your body moves me without a force,
You eyes make me see anew, but never look,
You make me want, yet give everything,
I desire you like the breeze desires moving through the trees,
I thirst for you,

And Yet!
While you speak endless volumes with your grace,
I cannot put these things into words!
You speak to me, and I am a mute!

You are my siren, driving me upon rocks!
For one, no your-
Song,
The same melody your voice carries courageously into the night,
Lulling me to sleep,
Yet I am silent.

You must think me dumb,
Or deaf, but I am neither.
I am speechless,
And all I have left,
Is a beautiful gift of God taken for granted,
As I try and come up with what has become,
A pitiful wordless poem.

May my life show the words I fail to say,
May you know how I feel everyday,
May I never forget the amazing creature you are,
Not for one moment, or-
Ruin me, for I am not worth the wait,
To have dishonored you would be the most unfortunate fate!
May I bring you happiness and joy,
And serve you,
My Lord,
Every hour, of every day,
Until God render me without breath.

God Bless Shew. . .

2005-09-17T14:07:00.000-07:00

I always thought I would be too fat to be carried across the threshold by my husband. Now I wonder if I will even marry someone who can walk, or has arms. No longer do I have some set perception of what my future husband will look like or be capable of doing, because to me, love is all that matters. If he could not see, I would strive to be his eyes, if he could not talk, I would be our single voice, if he could not. . . IT WOULD NOT MATTER. Think of what he could! I don't care if my life is never what I was told it should be when I was a little girl, because I could care less. I just want to love and be loved and build a home full of it.

I always figured that I would be the lucky one, and they would just be settling for less if they got involved with me, but now I'd like to hope that he would feel the same about me.

My roommate cheated on her boyfriend last night, and her reason was simply, "I still love Derrick, and if he breaks up with me, oh well. Because even though I love him with my whole heart and it would be a tragedy, our lives would be so much simpler." simpler. I could not imagine leaving another just because it is easier than fighting for love. I will always fight for love.

When we stop fighting for love, we have already lost the war against hatred and sin.

I love Ian. I have been worried about him a lot this week.

I have also realized that there is a very fine line between incredibly romantic and outright creepy. I have been walking that line this week, and I feel badly for Ian because I have stepped over it just a bit.

I haven't talked to Matt since Tuesday, and I realized how much I miss his voice. I just want to talk to him about the Goonies or something. So I guess I will call him today.

Anyway, my final epiphany for this week is that I have started saying "God Bless Shew" instead of "You" and have been doing so since Junior year. Which leads me to my next point,

I want to be Jewish.

Have a good day everyone.

How do you argue with that?

2005-09-14T23:07:00.000-07:00

By the end I suppose it wasn't an argument at all. I was just saying, "yeah" and "ok." I wanted us to be ok again. I wanted it to be unbroken. I felt like I was staring down at my Benita cut blanket again. It would never be the same. . . but there it was, still lovable, but not right.

I wanted you to know how I felt, and just before I worked up the nerve, there you were, cutting off my first word to tell me you had to go. I guess I just feared that I thought that we were really important, but that you didn't feel the same way.

When you listed the three things you were sure about, it was such raw truth I did not know how to handle it. Even though you probably would never ask, I thought I might let you know that if I were to make a list of the things I am sure about, it would be as follows:
1. I will be a dentist. I don't know whether that will make me happy or be what I truly want at the end of my life, but I will be one.
2. I love sunsets, fresh air and running.
3. I love my family and friends.
4. I love you. I want to be with you.

You are so important that you are a quarter of the things I want. . .

I guess I just felt so safe with you, but you are unreliable.

I just wish you would have let me say what it is that I wanted to tell you, before you so quickly hung up the phone and left us.

What I was going to tell you is this:
'We may argue, or fight, or hate each other momentarily, but at the end of the day, I know that I love you. I love cuddling with you and feeling safe and every night now I dream about you. I dream about laughing with you, about talking with you, just being physically near you and not several states away. But even if you hurt me, I know that you didn't mean to, and the that you still love me, maybe more than anyone else ever has, and no matter what happens at the doctor's office tomorrow, I will be here.'

I don't know how you feel about me. You are sleeping now, and I am sitting awake wondering what's going to happen to us, or if you will ever really hear me again. And I'm scared.

Why Buy the Cow When You Can Get the Milk For Free?

2005-09-14T19:45:00.000-07:00

I had always thought that the saying above was just a wee bit childish, or too folksy to be true. I am not so sure though. Is it possible that if we save ourselves, a man will be more likely to want us to carry their last name? What makes a woman marriable anyway?

Even though I have a bad image of myself, I had always dreamed about being some man's dream girl, the girl who they couldn't wait to marry. Apparently, I am not that girl, two times in a row. Maybe it's because I had always let people come into my family, be part of it, that I had assumed people who cared about me would want to do the same, but it is not true. To me, the perfect guy, and husband, are synonymous, but for others they are not.

Matt really wrecked me when he broke it off with me, but I was not nearly as wrecked as tonight, when I finally understood. "Our lives are headed in two different directions." I get it. I really get it. I am sorry I didn't understand before and I was so angered by it. It was my own pride and greed that wanted to hold you.

And now, I understand my relationship with Ian and I as well. I don't know what to do about it though.

Perhaps my life is not headed in a different direction from Matt's, but from everyone's. With reluctance, I feel my feelings for wanting to be someone else fading.

Nobody wants to father my children, nobody wants to share their last name with me, because I am quite simply, not the marrying type. Therefore I will just enjoy my relationships with others, throw birdseed at happy newlyweds, and allow childish dreams of a white dress to be simply that, dreams.

Yet I still ache. It is easy to say what I will do, all another to follow through with it. My last name is Rivera.

Rivera. Always Rivera.

"Geschenk des Gottes" - The Prickly Pear of My Eye

2005-09-14T18:02:00.000-07:00

There you are,
A part of me.
I am your bee,
Wishing only to pollinate you - wishing to enter into you
My parched lips long for the nectar of your tongue,
I am lost, far from the hive, wishing only to rest amongst your folds forever,
You prick me, drawing blood, leaving me for dead,
You don't trust me,
But I want you so badly,
I want your sweet perfume to cover me, to be me,
Your elegance stands out amongst the wanton weeds that surround your base,
Those weeds that try to sap away your water,
Yet they wither in the blazing sun, whilst you bloom,
Your vanity precedes you,
Your unkind manner will be your end,
I wanted to pollinate you, make you live on forever,
But you wanted another bee,
I was not pretty enough for thy own grotesque fetishes,
You want the bee that is more yellow,
But for you we will all look the same,
You will always be wanton,
And I will die, fertilizing the ground from which you grow,
Did you love me?
Did you even hear my buzz?
Alas,
I have failed.
But I will lie here as the day grows dark in my eyes,
And see us together, me in your gentle hold,
Finally part of you, just as you were always
APART
of me.

Our own Forest Gump

2005-09-13T13:01:00.000-07:00

Steve Vaught just made it through New Mexico after WALKING from San Diego California since April. Get this, he is going to walk to New York before the end of 2005! This fat guy is the coolest guy ever. Anyway, I think I am going to support his journey and buy a t-shirt. I think it's awesome. Plus, there are some pictures of his injuries, and one of his blisters looks just like mine did after a day of extreme hiking. In other words HUGE. Look up some news on this guy, seriously, you will be entertained, I promise.

Cheerless Trepidation and Woe

2005-09-10T20:51:00.000-07:00

My Boyfriend is in the hospital right now. I am really scared for him, and when he talked to me he was seriously worried that he might be dying. I have never heard him that terrified before. Once he thought I was going to die of heat stroke in the mountains but even that did not compare to the worry in his voice tonight.

Ian is my best-friend, I love picking up the phone and seeing a picture of him holding a bikini up to himself at Walmart. I love his laugh, his smug smile, even that annoying face he makes while scrunching it up. His ridiculously smelly boots are awful, I hate those, but I love his feet.

I am kind of too stressed to type right now so I am actually just going to go ahead and finish this, but I have a Backstreet Boys song that describes how I feel about Ian. It's called "How Did I Fall In Love With You."

Remember when, we never needed each other
The best of friends like
Sister and Brother
We understood, we'd never be,
Alone

Those days are gone, and I want so much
The night is long and I need your touch
Don't know what to say
I never meant to feel this way
Don't want to be
Alone tonight

[chorus:]
What can I do, to make it right
Falling so hard so fast this time
What did I say, what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?

I hear your voice
And I start to tremble
Brings back the child that, I resemble

I cannot pretend, that we can still be friends
Don't want to be,
Alone tonight

[chorus:]
What can I do, to make it right
Falling so hard so fast this time
What did I say, what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?

[Bridge:]
Oh I want to say this right
And it has to be tonight
Just need you to know, oh yeah

I don't want to live this life
I don't want to say goodbye
With you I wanna spend
The rest of my life

[chorus:]
What can I do, to make it right
Falling so hard so fast this time
What did I say, what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?

What can I do, to make it right
Falling so hard so fast this time
Everything's changed, we never knew

How did I fall,
in love,
with you?

My Halcyon Lea

2005-09-10T14:26:00.000-07:00

Today I manage to cough up coffee all over myself in front of some just acquired friends. It was disgusting, for all involved. I wanted to cry. I mean, I was really getting along with these people when I embarrassed myself, but apparently it is going to be ok. They were really cool about it.

There are a lot of really attractive people here at Creighton, but as my friends checked out every guy that walked by, especially the soccer players, I just listened and nodded. I had no comment. I could not picture falling in love with any of the guys that walked around near me, I could not imagine what it would be like trying to get to know them as well as I do my current boyfriend.

I had a dream about Matthew the other day where I was trying to get him to kiss me, but he wouldn't. I felt the same emotions rise up that had been there when we were dating. I called Ian and apologized, I felt as though I had really been almost cheating on him. I am worried about the holidays when I see Matt again. I know nothing will happen, I would not let it, but I am scared that I would WANT something to happen. Those feelings should not exist, especially since I am in love with someone else. However, I thought Matt and I were going to get married and he left, which I will never understand. I think of the 98 degrees song that is entitled "The Hardest Thing." Ian deserves better than someone half committed to this relationship, and I don't want to imply that this is the case, but I still love Matthew, I will always, and I do not know how to put those feelings on the shelf yet.

I suppose that I must just deal with these feelings as they come and not worry about it until then, but that will be difficult. I am tired of letting my falling for Matthew ruin my life. It was beautiful while it lasted, at least for me.

Now I have something even more special, and I will not leave it for anything. I love Ian. You heard me, I love my best-friend, my number 1, and my family loves him too. I am forever grateful that he feels the same way about me that I do about him. I know that if I ever sprayed coffee on myself in front of him, he would be totally cool with it. He loves me, I love him, and that is the bottom line, here in my halcyon lea.

My Boyfriend Ian, My Brother Dominic, and A Rant About West Point

2005-09-08T22:11:00.000-07:00

Ian helped me fix blogger, so you can thank him if you feel so inspired for the wide variety of colors this blog now has, again.

I was talking to my boyfriend tonight and a profound statement stood out in my mind, and I respected him so much more than before. He admitted something that most people would be ashamed of, and he stated it as if it was like saying his hair was brown. I wanted to be like him, and I really wish I could explain how powerful his one statement was.

I am worried about Ian's health, I want that boy to live for a long time, he is my best-friend, my lover, and my pillar of strength. I only hope that I am giving him the same.

Dominic has a great poem up, I mean, truly awesome. When I read it I seriously said aloud, "WOW." Read it on his blog HERE if you want to, because it is fantastic and I am in awe of his talent. I hope to have him sign a copy of one of his works for me someday and be able to tell my friends, "Yeah, that's my brother!"

Finally, Matthew made me really mad tonight. I was talking to him about the sweetest thing Ian did for me which was hide a poem amongst my school papers in my notebook so that I would come upon it later, when Matt responded with "I wrote you a poem once. But you lost it." A little background on the poem Matt for me, I carried it with me everyday until my wallet was stolen and then return lacking one poem and 150 dollars. Believe you me, I really LOST IT when he said that. I hate how he tried to make me feel bad! How can he be so self-centered??? Also, I tried to tell him I was worried about Ian, and again he changed the subject to himself! I hate how self-centered he is! However, that is ok, because he is just self-centered, and some of my other friends are as well, and even I am guilty of that sin sometimes. I will just not expect more out of that friendship than Matthew caring about Matthew.

Well, I would love to leave you on a positive note, so I must say that I am completely and utterly in love. I want to make Ian feel loved not so that others know I am doing it, not so that he is grateful in some way or feels the need to show me how much he loves me back, but just because I want him to wake up every morning and feel my heart crying out to, yearning for his smile and his laugh. When Ian is with me, he will smile, and all the bad experiences of his past will fade like a flash, and both him and I exist, if only for a moment, in complete childlike innocence.

A Person Named Mitch

2005-09-07T05:14:00.000-07:00

Mitch is the person you love. Mitch is the person that loves you. Mitch is your other half. I, in no way, was referencing a specific individual in my earlier blog entries except for my own Mitch, which is obviously not going to be your Mitch. I am glad we cleared this up.

My blog won't let me change the font on my computer. It is pretty agravating, I must say. It also will not let my computer spell check my entries. I am highly agravated. Perhaps I will be changing my blog sooner than I thought to a different page run by a different company.

Anyway, I hope you are all having a great day.

Ian, I am sorry I caused you to doubt me. I love you, and I want you to know that.

For Mitch

2005-09-06T18:49:00.000-07:00

Artist: Colin Hay Lyrics
Song: I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You Lyrics
A song off of the Garden State Soundtrack

I drink good coffee every morning
Comes from a place that's far away
And when I'm done I feel like talking
Without you here there is less to say
I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy
What is closer to the truth
That if I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
I'm no longer moved to drink strong whisky
'Cause I shook the hand of time and I knew
That if I lived till I could no longer climb my stairs
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
Your face it dances and it haunts me
Your laughter's still ringing in my ears
I still find pieces of your presence here
Even after all these years
But I don't want you thinking I don't get asked to dinner
'Cause I'm here to say that I sometimes do
Even though I may soon feel the touch of love
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
If I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

Five Times With Mitch

2005-09-05T18:37:00.000-07:00

His dark eyes peirced my soul and I was lost. All I wanted was to crawl into a hole and forget that I had ever loved anyone at any time. All this time I had wanted someone to come after me, and he had, and he had been waiting for me to want him. We kissed, and it was beautiful.

My weekend has left me changed forever. I want a family, I want to live life, and I want to never forget the lessons Ryan taught me. So I won't. And you shouldn't either.

Take a roll in the hay with Mitch, I swear you will love yourself for it always.

"Only the Good Die Young" playing in my head

2005-08-29T11:08:00.000-07:00

I get the point God, you don't have to rub it in my face. . .

Every time I think I am having the worst day of my life, God shows me that it could be way worse. An example you say? Well January 27th, 2004 is a good one. I thought my life was over. I had not gotten into AP Calculus, and my day was just awful. Then my Mom died.

Yesterday, Matthew finally gave up on us. While I am still heartbroken, God showed me in an outright shout of a voice that I am still on my journey. God is still inside of us all, and he took Ryan home because that is what Ryan deserved, to live in bliss. I am so happy for Ryan.

It is interesting that a death can give me so much joy. However, it is not odd at all when I consider who just passed away. It was Ryan, the most loving and joyful child I have ever met.

I wanted to spend my life with Matthew, but he does not want to go to the effort for us. There is nothing I can do to convince him. I wish others understood that love is the ONLY thing that truly matters in life.

However, I will not be upset at Matthew, it was his choice, his gift given by God to do as he wants, to seek what will make HIM truly happy. And when he finds it, I will be happy for him then.

For now, even though I said that I would not, I will hold my head up high and move on. I must love again, because that is what God's loving hand bore me to do. I am meant to love others, and them me, and I will be married someday.

I do not know to what man but it will happen. I will be happy someday.

For now, I enjoy the sunshine, and think of all the good times I had with Ryan. And as tears run off my face, I smile, because this is life. In the words of Garden State, "I know it hurts. But it's life, and it's real. And sometimes it fucking hurts, but it's life, and it's pretty much all we got."

And now, a song for our dearly beloved Ryan,

Jimmy Eat World - May Angels Lead You In Lyrics

There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go.
I never said thank you for that.
I thought I might get one more chance.

What would you think of me now,
So lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that.
Now I'll never have a chance.

May angels lead you in.
Here you meet my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.

So what would you think of me now,
So lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that.
Now I'll never have a chance.

May angels lead you in.
Here you meet my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.

May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.

And if you were with me tonight,
I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big,
God wouldn't let it live.

May angels lead you in.
Here you meet my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.

May angels lead you in.
Here you meet my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.

May angels lead you in.

I love you Ryan. You will always be my hero.

"I Can't Finish this Conversation Right Now"

2005-08-27T17:56:00.000-07:00

You never answered my questions. I don't even know what you are sorry for. I hate that you called today. I am pissed that I let myself pick up the phone, despite the fact that I knew it was you.

I might as well type my questions here, because they are more likely to be answered here than in an actual conversation with you anyway, so here are a few:

Why would you rather talk to someone else about "us" than to me?
Why do you call and not try and actually get us back together, but instead just bring me down?
Why do you expect me to be happy about the boys coming first?
Would I have ever come first?

First it was your parents/sister.
Then it was your school.
In the future it would be your soldiers.

Am I supposed to be ok with that?
Do you even love me?
Why can't you just talk to me?
You made me miss my carnival to talk to you, and you didn't even listen.
You just make me hate you, so why do you keep calling me?

I am done. Please leave me alone. Who the fuck cares if I don't move on, that's my choice. Besides, being single is cool too, it's one of the best vocations a person can have in their life.

Why did you leave? Again?

Why are you such a fucking moron?

Anyway, don't try and ruin my day again, because I am done. I have given you four years of chances, and apparently, you can't "talk to me over the phone."

When the hell else would we talk?

I know these questions will go unanswered, and that's fine because you don't want to give me the closer I deserve in this relationship. So how about this for some non-closer on your end, I hope it burns you every time I kiss someone else. Believe me, I will be kissing others. I will love others, and they will all treat me better than you did.

Depression

2005-08-26T20:30:00.000-07:00

I am a lot more mature than most of peers, which normally isn't a problem because I will pretend to care about their superficial bullshit, but tonight is too much.

I have grown up even faster than Matthew. All I wanted was for him to love me, and he couldn't even make up his mind about that.

I will probably spend the rest of my life hating my mother for taking away my only chance to be normal. I will also hate everyone else for not caring about me.

Ian doesn't understand my new life here, which sucks. I keep dreaming about Sean, and I am not sure what that means. I had a wet dream about my roommate (same gender, yes), and I am completely weirded out by it. It is the first gay dream I have ever had despite the fact that I am bysexual.

I hate being alone here. Currently, my roommate just came in, saw me crying and said, "oh, don't cry! Well, I will help you cheer up in the morning because I am kind of drunk right now," and then left!

I hate life. I really do.

I want to die.

Welcome to college nat.

I am completely out of place here, but is not like a stick out like a sore thumb. In fact, I don't stick out at all. Nobody even knows I exist.

I hate this.

Matt said he would be there for me after my Mom died, sometimes I don't even think he really knows what it is like to lose someone that close to you. He cried with me, so why does he act like it never really happened?

I need to move on, but I can't, I won't. I meant it when I said yes, and i don't lie. It was suppossed to work.

What's worse is that I keep writing this goddamn blog hoping, JUST HOPING, that Matthew will be suddenly inspired someday, sit down and read it, and know what I have been through, and love me for it. Instead, he will never read it, never again ask me out, and I will die alone.

Yet I still publish this blog because I will spend every moment until that pitiful death wishing that I could have my love. Wishing that he understood. Wishing he loved me back.

WHY GOD? WHY? WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?

I have nothing to say, except for these two songs. . .

2005-08-26T12:27:00.000-07:00

Just the Girl - The Click Five

She's cold and she's cruel but she knows what she's doing
She pushed me in the pool at our last school reunion
She laughs at my dreams but I dream about her laughter
Strange as it seems she's the one I'm after

Cause she's bittersweet
She knocks me off of my feet
And I can't help myself
I don't want anyone else
She's a mystery
She's too much for me
But I keep coming back for more
She's just the girl I'm looking for

She can't keep a secret for more than an hour
She runs on one hundred proof attitude power
And the more she ignores me, the more I adore her
What can I do - I'd do anything for her

Cause she's bittersweet
She knocks me off of my feet
And I can't help myself
I don't want anyone else
She's a mystery
She's too much for me
But I keep coming back for more
She's just the girl I'm looking for

And when she sees it me
On her caller ID
She won't pick up the phone
She'd rather be alone
But I can't give up yet
Cause every word she's every said
Is still ringing in my head
Still ringing in my head

She's cold and she's cruel but she knows what she's doing
Knows just what to say so my whole day is ruined

Cause she's bittersweet
She knocks me off of my feet
And I can't help myself
I don't want anyone else
She's a mystery
She's too much for me
But I keep coming back for more
She's just the girl I'm looking for

Quit Playing Games with My Heart -Backstreet Boys

Even in my heart I see
You're not bein' true to me
Deep within my soul I feel
Nothing's like it used to be
Sometimes I wish I could turn back time
Impossible as it may seem
But I wish I could so bad baby
Quit playin' games with my heart

Chorus
Quit playin' games with my heart
Before you tear us apart
I should've known from the start
Before you got in my heart
I live my life the way
To keep you comin' back to me
Everything I do is for you
So what is it that you can't see
Sometimes I wish I could
Turn back time, impossible as it may seem
But I wish I could so bad
You better quit playin' games with my heart

Chorus

Quit playin' games
Baby, baby the love that we had was so strong
Don't leave me hangin' here forever
Oh baby, baby this is not right, let's stop this tonight

Baby, quit playin' games
Sometimes I wish I could
Turn back time, impossible as it may seem
But I wish I could so bad, baby
Quit playin' games with my heart

Chorus

TO FLIPPER

2005-08-25T21:53:00.000-07:00

HEY WEST POINT, YOU WANT ME?

WOO ME. BE ROMANTIC. BE SPONTANEOUS.

BE HONEST. BE MATT-HEW.

LOVE ME WITH YOUR ACTIONS AND WORDS.

Waiting on West Point- The Best Night of My Life (Sk8er Boi playing on my computer. . .)

2005-08-25T08:32:00.000-07:00

It started with an average Sunday. The averageness of this Sunday left me feeling mediocre, like I only have cared about the rest of the day, and I have to say that it lived up to what was expected, which was nothing.

The Monday that followed, however, turned into one of the most life changing of experiences of my life. Now, while I have not touched on it before now, I truly intended to tell you about the best night of my life up until now, and how my world abruptly changed because of it.

I was working that Sunday, at good ol' PetsMart. Afterwards, Matthew met me outside and I was firmly set in my decision not to get back together with him. Oh how foolish I was to believe that I could do such things.

In reality, I wanted him to want me, I still want him to want me. He gave me a ring, a simple congratulations for graduation. How glad I was, and secretly disappointed that it was not an engagement ring.

We went to my house and then out for Pizza. While we waited for it to be ready, (all too long I might add), we talked about everything. He told me he loved me, I told him he didn't. It was the way he looked at me, wanted to be with me, that I will never forget. I wanted that time to last forever. We drew on napkins, we laughed, and he kissed me.

A movie followed. Revenge of the Sith. "So this is how liberty dies, to the sound of thunderous applause." I talked to him during it, which was easy considering we were one of the few to fill the seats in that theater Sunday night.

After the movie he drove me home. It was Monday, June 6th, 2005. I could see the light on by my front door. I wanted to run away, never talk to him again, try and forget how much I loved him. Why did he love me now that I was ok? Why wasn't he there when I wasn't?

I questioned his actions. I told him that I was still broken and that we could never be together. He didn't listen. He held me as I cried and told me how much he loved me.

I got out of the car to go, and he didn't let me get away. HE DIDN'T LET ME GET AWAY. I had waited two long years, for him to say it, and then he said that I would never get away. He would always be there. I believed him. I loved him. He loved me.

Then he got down on his knees. I knew it was coming so I stooped down to him, telling him, "no, don't do this, not now!"

He asked if I would marry him.

I needed to say no, what else could I say? Our families didn't approve, he lives in New York and I was about to leave for Omaha, but I said instead, "You are shaking Sweets!"

"That's because I just asked the girl of my dreams to marry me."

I kissed him, and said yes.

It was perfect, because he was there, I was safe, and he was never going to let me go. So no matter what else happens in my life, I know that at one point in time, I was the girl of his dreams. I put all of my faith and hope into that relationship that night, and I will never regret it. While I hurt now for it, it was worth it, if only for the best night of my life. The day when a boy risked everything for me because he loved me that much.

Thanks West Point, if only for that night.

God bless ya'll, I hope we all find what we are looking for in this crazy world.

Weasel From Taylor Ranch

2005-08-24T07:05:00.000-07:00

I met the most romantic guy ever yesterday. We're talking, makes girls cry because he so good to them, drop dead gorgeous, one woman type man. And he went to middle school at LBJ! He lived less than ten minutes from me and I just met him yesterday on a bus in Omaha! Too bad I had to go to NE to meet him! He was talking about how he asked his now fiance to marry him, and it made every girls' eyes tear up. It was so sweet!

I hope a guy loves me that much someday!

I am worried about Ian, I hope he doing well. I pray that he will know God's love in these coming days and feel the support he needs from those around him.

Tim is so nice! I love that kid. He is so much fun to talk to. I accidentally kept him up a little bit late yesterday, and I felt bad, but he "enjoyed it," so I guess no harm was really done. I am curious to see where this new friendship will take me.

Matt and I are not talking a whole lot now. It is hard for me, knowing that he is serving to potentially die in a war he may not believe in, but could not fight for the only thing he did, us. Alas, maybe he is not the soldier for me, but some other girly. I just cannot accept that him and I are over, it is really hard. But I must, because he has not come back, he will not, and I must remain strong. No more tears.

I am going to date again. It will be hard, I do not want to cheat someone else by only using them as a rebound, so I am going to take this recovery slow and figure it out on my own before pushing my entire past onto someone else.

Anyway, I have to go shower and go to school. I hope you are all doing well!

At what point does honesty become cruel to the listener?

2005-08-22T05:53:00.000-07:00

To My Dearly Beloved Friends,
Ian loves me, and I love Ian. However, the time I have known Ian and the circumstances under which I have known him makes me less likely to want to date him.

I cried to Ian again last night, over Matt. I am still being wrecked continually by the Matt situation.

To be honest, that was not my intention. I had called because I was homesick, but Ian was all too busy to talk to me, which is fine, so I called Matt. I had not even realized that Matt had called/emailed me because I have been so busy, so he thought I was just calling him back, but I was calling him just to talk.

I love Matt and he just does not get it and continues to play with my heart, perhaps unintentionally.

But the question on the table is- Is it cruel to speak of another man to someone who obviously cares about you, despite the fact that you want to be as honest with them as possible?

-Nat

PS. My roommate is awesome, I just thought you should know.

PPS It hurts to breathe because I worked my abs so much this morning.

"Go Make Friends."

2005-08-19T21:25:00.000-07:00

So, I have to admit, it was hard when my Dad drove off tonight. I wanted to hang out with him some more, especially since we were finally getting along. My room is sparse. There is practically nothing in it. Which is weird, because I thought for sure I had overpacked. Anyway, I am here in Nebraska at Creighton completely determined not to let this school kick my ass because everyone is counting on my to do well.

No longer will a guy distract me from my work, no longer will minor distractions beat my goal.

A note on my new life. It is really really GREEN here. I am in culture shock with the complete and total lack of hispanic people. I miss my spanish radio, I miss my green chile. Oh well, at least it gives me something to talk about.

I miss Ian and Jacob. They are hanging out tonight, and it was really hard to call and hear them hanging out tonight and having such a great time together.

I am right across from the bathrooms. ::Sigh::

I can see the church from my room. It is beautiful. You know, I really wouldn't mind getting married there.

My dad pulled me over to the big windows down the hall and pointed out across the highway to the dental school and said, "Remember, that's your goal."

Yes Dad, I got it.

I cried on the plane ride over. Silently of course. Looking out the window there were miles upon miles of farm land. Despite having lived in a very vast desert my entire life, I really feel as if I am in the middle of nowhere here.

I am happy, I will never regret this decision, I just have to get used to it.

It is humid here, but that is good it means that I don't need as much lotion. It is cooler here, despite the humidity. People in Walgreens were complaining about how ridiculously hot is was here, and I was like "what?" My dad and I are definitely sweating more, but that's not a big deal. We are sweaters after all. (Wool to be exact. . . yuck yuck yuck).

The above pun is exactly the reason I am sitting in this room alone right now and have yet to make friends.

Anyway, time to hit the hay. The lysoled, fresh sheeted, incredibly different, Nebraskan hay.

Good luck to us all in college.

Have Faith That:

2004-12-28T08:10:00.000-08:00

-The grass is green.
-Polka is pretty annoying sometimes.
-Children can be silly.
-Broken hearts can mend.
-Each day is a new start.
-Each kiss is special and unique.
-The road you're on will get you where you want.
-The world is round.
-Spiders are scary.
-Skiing is super cool.
-Dogs are way better than cats.
-Road signs were intended to be stolen, like shot up car doors.
-The sun will rise tomorrow.
-The battle against evil has not yet been lost.
-There are many who will stand in your way, but that you can make it past them.
-You do indeed have a purpose, just as each other human does.
-You can let others in, just as you let me.
-The constants of life with always be there, such as death and conception.
-I will never desert you.
-Something new can be learned everyday.

Have faith that each and every moment of suffering serves a purpose. Such as the pain your lungs give you when you have held your breath for too long. Similar to the air we suffer for, each moment helps us discover our true needs and desires.

Irony

2004-12-27T22:59:00.000-08:00

I am listening into your CD and I have many times wanted to tell you something about one of the songs.

Track 11 is you.
(Everything You Want-Vertical Horizon)

every time I hear it, I only think of you. God I wish sometimes things were more in my control, but they are not. Please believe me Ian.

You are my everything, my best-friend, the best guy I'll ever know, and yet. . .

ah life. It's ironic cruelty. I am so sorry.

A New Me

2004-12-27T01:47:00.000-08:00

I want my life back.

That is all I kept saying, this entire time. I desired it so deeply that I could taste it in my mouth like vinegar, eating away at my senses and numbing my every move.

I have got it all but my Mother and my horse, but that is to be expected with death.

Now I realize that I was wrong, I do not want any of it back, really. I wanted me back. The me that had no reason to live but miracalously and courageously fought on. I wanted the me that was willing to be different, regardless of what others might say. I wanted the me that watched Carnivale, regardless of the fact that no one else did, and loved the show anyway. I wanted the me back that tried hard and was willing to fail, (quite frankly, did in fact frequently fail). The me that could be a good friend, a listener and was not a whiny sap.

I have that now. I am me again.

I am the same, but different. The oxymoron of my own story.

And I am lost because of it.

The war I was fighting is over, and I find myself on a new battlefeild on a different side than before. I do not even know what I am fighting for anymore, but the battle wages on and I try to keep from cutting myself down before the enemy reaches me.

I am lost, but I have atleast found myself.

The fuzz continues on, but the tears are not coming. I will always be crazy, and I do not care.

Call me what you may, I am at least honest, and I never pretended to be a good person.