Date Night

Last night it was easy to let him go. I have to let him go.

"If you let a bird go and returns then it is yours. If you let a bird go and it does not return, it was never yours to begin with."

I cannot stop crying. It is terrible knowing that me talking to Ian only hurts him. Further, it tears me up completely that he has nothing to do today and he will not call. I cannot sleep, I cannot eat, I just feel ill (probably because I am also sick and have really bad allergies), but my life is just completely at a stand still.

I know he loves me. I know he knows I love him.

It is the hardest to not have those you love. I just wish he would call, I feel really sick and it is really hard not being able to tell my best-friend about my sore throat and my terrible day.

And it's date night. I have a lot of things to study, but no matter what I study I will not be able to get my mind off of the fact that my phone is fully charged and is not ringing.

I miss him.

I am also scared of when I do talk to him what I should say. There is a lot of pressure put on one conversation that way. If I fuck it up then . . . my whole life will be different for the worse.

I hope he calls, but I will understand when he doesn't, logically. My heart as it is breaking will never understand this hurt and loneliness.