Depression

I am a lot more mature than most of peers, which normally isn't a problem because I will pretend to care about their superficial bullshit, but tonight is too much.

I have grown up even faster than Matthew. All I wanted was for him to love me, and he couldn't even make up his mind about that.

I will probably spend the rest of my life hating my mother for taking away my only chance to be normal. I will also hate everyone else for not caring about me.

Ian doesn't understand my new life here, which sucks. I keep dreaming about Sean, and I am not sure what that means. I had a wet dream about my roommate (same gender, yes), and I am completely weirded out by it. It is the first gay dream I have ever had despite the fact that I am bysexual.

I hate being alone here. Currently, my roommate just came in, saw me crying and said, "oh, don't cry! Well, I will help you cheer up in the morning because I am kind of drunk right now," and then left!

I hate life. I really do.

I want to die.

Welcome to college nat.

I am completely out of place here, but is not like a stick out like a sore thumb. In fact, I don't stick out at all. Nobody even knows I exist.

I hate this.

Matt said he would be there for me after my Mom died, sometimes I don't even think he really knows what it is like to lose someone that close to you. He cried with me, so why does he act like it never really happened?

I need to move on, but I can't, I won't. I meant it when I said yes, and i don't lie. It was suppossed to work.

What's worse is that I keep writing this goddamn blog hoping, JUST HOPING, that Matthew will be suddenly inspired someday, sit down and read it, and know what I have been through, and love me for it. Instead, he will never read it, never again ask me out, and I will die alone.

Yet I still publish this blog because I will spend every moment until that pitiful death wishing that I could have my love. Wishing that he understood. Wishing he loved me back.

WHY GOD? WHY? WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?