What came first, the chicken, or the egg?

I really lost control yesterday. I had never really lost control, but everything I had been working for or wanted no longer mattered and I didn't know what to do with my career, my future, the next two minutes. I just lost it. Completely. Then I called my Dad and talked to him about it.

"I don't know which came first Natalie: You being crazy and scaring Ian away, or Ian broke up with you, which drove you crazy?"

I think it might be the first one though, with a dash of the second one. I really do love Ian and it has been impossible to live a life I was unsure of before, and now that I am completely unsupported in it. . . Love just isn't enough.

My love or want for dentistry is not enough to keep me in the cold and foggy Nebraskan air one more day, but I will because I need to finish out the semester.

I had never really seen my entire life be flipped upside down and pulled out from underneath me and I am still having random stress/panic attacks even now, but I think it is a good thing. If nothing else, I get to start from the bottom and work up.

Ian is right, I did never listen. Something else he has said, and my roommates now agree, is that I need help. I need professional help. I am crazy, but knowing I am crazy means I am not crazy. . . I just have issues. . . right?

I cannot sleep, I cannot eat, I cannot do anything because I am so stressed out with everything right now. The most frightening thing I have to face, however, is being alone all weekend. I am more of a danger to myself than anyone else.

I really did want to make it work with Ian, and I still would like the chance in the future. However, sense I do not have the chance now, I am going to take this time and get better once and for all.

Then I am going to go to school and be whatever will make me happy. Not because of income, not because of outside pressure, just to be happy.
I think that only once I figure myself out will I be able to be truly loved and love other people.

I get it, ok. Two fiances, 8 months, both saying the same thing when they broke up with me. Obviously I haven't changed, and I really really need to.

-Crazy Ass Girl