"Only the Good Die Young" playing in my head

I get the point God, you don't have to rub it in my face. . .

Every time I think I am having the worst day of my life, God shows me that it could be way worse. An example you say? Well January 27th, 2004 is a good one. I thought my life was over. I had not gotten into AP Calculus, and my day was just awful. Then my Mom died.

Yesterday, Matthew finally gave up on us. While I am still heartbroken, God showed me in an outright shout of a voice that I am still on my journey. God is still inside of us all, and he took Ryan home because that is what Ryan deserved, to live in bliss. I am so happy for Ryan.

It is interesting that a death can give me so much joy. However, it is not odd at all when I consider who just passed away. It was Ryan, the most loving and joyful child I have ever met.

I wanted to spend my life with Matthew, but he does not want to go to the effort for us. There is nothing I can do to convince him. I wish others understood that love is the ONLY thing that truly matters in life.

However, I will not be upset at Matthew, it was his choice, his gift given by God to do as he wants, to seek what will make HIM truly happy. And when he finds it, I will be happy for him then.

For now, even though I said that I would not, I will hold my head up high and move on. I must love again, because that is what God's loving hand bore me to do. I am meant to love others, and them me, and I will be married someday.

I do not know to what man but it will happen. I will be happy someday.

For now, I enjoy the sunshine, and think of all the good times I had with Ryan. And as tears run off my face, I smile, because this is life. In the words of Garden State, "I know it hurts. But it's life, and it's real. And sometimes it fucking hurts, but it's life, and it's pretty much all we got."

And now, a song for our dearly beloved Ryan,

Jimmy Eat World - May Angels Lead You In Lyrics

There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go.
I never said thank you for that.
I thought I might get one more chance.

What would you think of me now,
So lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that.
Now I'll never have a chance.

May angels lead you in.
Here you meet my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.

So what would you think of me now,
So lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that.
Now I'll never have a chance.

May angels lead you in.
Here you meet my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.

May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.

And if you were with me tonight,
I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big,
God wouldn't let it live.

May angels lead you in.
Here you meet my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.

May angels lead you in.
Here you meet my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.

May angels lead you in.

I love you Ryan. You will always be my hero.