I fell asleep, but the only nightmare I found was when I awoke

So my adventures with other men/women these past couple of weeks have done nothing to subside my feelings for Ian, in fact they have only made them worse. I awoke today after a wonderful dream of him and I dancing and then falling asleep together. It was so real that when I awoke I was crushed to be alone in my bed.

I don't think my meds are really cutting it for me anymore. Initially they were better than nothing, and still are, but my body just seems so exhausted with pain.

I am so worried about Linda. I haven't really said it before. It outright KILLS me that my two best-friends are enduring the same thing at the same time. . . Robyn and Ian, I can never pray enough for the two of them.

I felt an unreal urge to go to the synagogue this weekend. I am scared and I want to ask someone to come with me, but I know that I will never really make this conversion unless I make it for myself. Yet, I know going into this conversion that there will be some aspects of Catholicism that I will never be able to give up. For example, even if one does not believe in their miracles, all of the Saints were amazing and inspiring individuals who I have always felt comfortable reaching out to, to help me pray to our Lord.

I guess the worst part of my life really comes down to the fact that I know I will never love someone like I love Ian. I spend everyday just wishing I could tell him I love him, and in theory that should be enough. To be loved and love in return, which we do. But as Ian so bluntly put it, "sometimes love is not enough." I don't really need your sympathy, or your kind words in regards to this situation, because the fact is nothing can change the way I feel and it is because I love that I suffer. It is because I love that I have to step out of lab and cry and pretend like it was nothing when I come back in. I am continually saving face, but why? It is not like I have pride left, that was all taken by this fucking disorder.

I really enjoy smoking, and it is cruel that I am so comforted by the smell because it reminds me of my grandfather, which reminds me of my mother and better times. It also sends me back into Ian's arms, his smokey breath breathing on my neck while we spooned.

I never want to make love with anyone else. Ever. I never even want to kiss anyone else, although doubtlessly I will. I really did and do want to spend my life with him.

Irony? Now I actually want to survive for a long time. . . and it is without him.

I am in love and I would never ask for it to stop. . . I just wish it were enough for something to be different than now. I can only hope that I will find better days as will Ian.

Another remark on Ian, apparently one of our friends read something I wrote in a blog and reported it to their mother. You know who you are, and I am severely pissed at you. If I really thought Ian was out of control with his drinking, do you really think I would have simply typed it and said nothing to him nor to his family? That is fucking ridiculous to believe. I love that kid more than anything and would gladly die for him, so what would stop me from trying to protect himself from himself. But the fact is, he doesn't need protection except from you, the individual that ratted him out for a crime he was not guilty of.

To the above individual, please stop reading my blog.

Matt has not talked to me since I made things awkward. . . . Oh well. My TA never responded to my email. . . Yet he talked to me today and did not even mention it, jerk.

A "small penis guy" age 28 randomly found me on myspace. Who the fuck are these guys and how do they find me? Really, I want to know because there has been one Jason Fink on Facebook who wanted me to see him because he was in an open marriage. Then there has been firefighter boy from Omaha on myspace and another 30 year old from Omaha. What the fuck????

I guess I should feel attractive. . . or that I am putting out some sort of trashy image. Perhaps they go for anything that moves and I should not be taking such offense or notice of these moments. Yet. . . Why can I only get shitty guys and why can't I hold on to the good ones??? The obvious explanation is simple. . . I haven't figured myself out yet. I just want my heartache to stop and I want Ian to punch these guys in the face. Not because I want some sort of chivalrous rescue by the man I love, but just because I know Ian knows how to punch them really hard. . . . is that mean?

Foy and I had a super awkward conversation. It was so awkward we just decided to end it and hopefully it won't be so awkward tomorrow.

I dyed my hair last night. . . or rather, Robyn did. It is oober blonde. We are going to stick some pink in it.

I realized that my blog entries have gotten longer because I do not really have anyone to talk to me the same way that Ian used to. I guess I just don't have anyone to share all aspects of my life with anymore.

I know this is going to come off as a really creepy ex-girlfriend comment, but I really hope that I end up with Ian. I cannot imagine anyone else making me as happy as he does because he is my best-friend. I really will, truly and honestly, try to be the best-friend I can be to him and maybe someday he'll decide not only to kiss the girl, but kiss this girl.

I guess I am seeing life from his side of the fence. I really cannot wait to go for a hike with him. Nebraska has never made me want anything more.

Also, this whole depression thing has made me a lot less scared of everything, and I cannot WAIT to try skiing/snowboarding. I cannot wait to fall on my ass and be back in the cold. Because now I like the cold, but only on occasion, not for weeks on end without any relief.

It is either ridiculously hot or ridiculously cold in this room. It has only been comfortable a few times, and then Priya and I disagree on it and change the condition of the room anyway.

I love being a smoker. . . I have met some of the best people on campus. They are so ridiculously laid back at night outside, and we all just gather round and joke. I will miss this in New Mexico. Not to say that I cannot smoke in New Mexico, but the collection of people will be entirely differnet. The reason is because our collection of smokers here is very very unique. Because of the cold weather, we all gather right outside the doors of buildings so that we can slip inside asap, but frequently we stay outside just for our friends anyway. Basically, thanks to our addiction and the weather, there is some sort of respect and loyalty to each other that goes beyond the tobacco we bum off each other.

All of my non-smoker buddies continue to give me hell. I don't really care anymore. I enjoy every single one of my cigarettes completely, and they are total hypocrites for wanting hookah anytime they feel like it but giving me hell for smoking outside. I am outside more and about 30 times more active than about 90 percent of these individuals. When they can hike up the Sandias with Ian and I, I will let them talk shit to me. Until then, they can bug off.

I am very angsty tonight, and I am sorry for that. I do hope that this blog finds you all in good health and that the stress you are enduring currently will soon pass. If you are in the 505, I am coming back into town a week from Wednesday and you must give me a call. I have a list of things I want to do while in town that include:

1. A short hike in the Sandias somewhere
2. Chimayo Pilgrimage on Good Friday
3. Taking my doggy to get pampered
4. Getting Boba/Pop-Pop's
5. Seeing as many of my loved ones as possible
6. Visiting with my grandparents on Easter
7. Seeing Linda
8. Playing some sort of ridiculous boardgame/wizard/charades
9. Drinking a dirty martini/Smoking a good cigar
10. Having a long talk with my dad about life
11. Seeing V for Vendetta with anyone that wants to go/anyone that has not seen it yet
12. Continuing to take my meds without fail