When did you change?

"We will both know when it is over." He said that to me the night we made love in the mountains. The hard part for me is that I do not know it is over.

I held off on telling him that I wanted to kill myself because I was afraid that he would leave me. My phone doesn't ring, he doesn't tell me he loves me, he just lets me fade out. Meanwhile he drinks his life away.

God it hurts, it takes the breath out of me and brings me to tears because he just won't even talk to me anymore. He's cut me out of his life and it letting me go. Just letting me go.

I have about five friends who haven't let me go yet, and they're the only reason I am still breathing right now. I am so sick of the lies.
I am tired of people telling me that they love me and leaving me when I need it the most. God I am sick people telling me that they will call me and saying they won't.

I hate Ian for asking me to marry him when he didn't really mean that he would be there for everything.

I didn't want to tell my best-friend and love of my life that I felt like I had no choice but kill myself, and he left when I needed him the most. That should of been something I could tell him!!!!!!!! Where the fuck is he?

I cry myself to sleep while he forgets what it was like to hold me. I face the mornings in agony of another day while he forgets who he was. He's running and turning into an immature asshole and he can't even see it.

What fucking hurts the most is that I don't really hate him. I try so hard to, but I just fucking love him so much. . and he is killing me.

He could pick up the phone and tell me he loves me. Instead I get, "Yeah I will always wonder what could have been." What could have been?

I loved you. I still love you, and you don't even know I exist anymore.

I hope your new friends make you happy. Seems they give you whatever it is you were looking for. I'm not sure what is so great that you are searching for, but apparently love wasn't enough. That's all I had. I gave you everything I had, every possession every memory, everything that I had, and it wasn't enough.

God I wish you knew how much I love you, because I don't think you even do. All the fights came from my fear that I would lose you, and I was right. You are a coward. You talk of honor and you walked away from the only thing that mattered.

Ian Robert Luders, Ludes, Pookie, Buttons, Pencils, Een, and my dearest friend on the entire planet, I love you with my entire heart, but you are the biggest coward I have ever meant, and that is the most dishonorable thing I could ever imagine being.