Something off of Myspace. . . A repeat for some

This is something I tacked on myspace, thought it was worth it to transfer it over:

I am so heartbroken right now. I have never cried the way that I have for Ian. It tears my heart out just thinking about it. I know how hard it was to watch as he held Nickie, and I know how terrible it was to know that I could not have him before all of this. . . I love him a billion times more than I did previously, so I know it will be a billion times worse to try and be a good friend to him through this.

I have felt God in little moments with Ian. No one made me feel as loved as he did when we decorated the Christmas tree together. No one made me feel so utterly loved and safe as he did when I was sick over Christmas break. No one made me feel so much at home as he did when I was with him.

Yes, I can live without him. I am literally living proof of that. Yes, I can be happy without him. However, it is like having a cloud that always blocks out a little bit of the sun for me. My world was only fully bright when he was in it. I ache all over because I know how much I love him with every breath I take.

There have been moments where I just bawl my eyes out. There have been nights when I just sob myself to sleep. Last night I tried to drink the memory of him away. I just can't escape it.

I love him. I really do. I just keep praying to God every chance I get that this is not it for him, that this is not it for me. I pray that he finds someone that makes him way happier than I can, and that I find someone who makes me way happier than he can. It would be amazing if those people were simply him and I grown up and older, more mature, different yet similar to the selves of now. It is unlikely and I will not push for it. . .but I will never rule out that possibility.

He is going forward and away from me, and I away from him. I see now that there is no longer a bridge between our worlds and it sucks. Sometimes it hurts so bad that I would do anything to stop it. . . just anything. . .but I don't.

I just keep pushing forward through this broken heart. Yet, if I could do it all over again knowing that the result would still be a broken heart, I would do it, because it was the best thing of my life.

As I walked to biology on Friday I swore that I smelled Ian in the hall. . . I had to step out of public view to have a quick cry. God this is hard.

Please never give up on love. It is amazing. It is worth the risks. I am wrecked by it and I am saying that it is bliss, so be fearless and LOVE. For God's sakes people, LOVE.