Talked to Ian

So I called Ian to help me with a paper because it was on Betta fish and I knew that he was the only person on the planet I knew personally who could help me find sources. It did not make the call any easier. When I called I was so nervous to talk to him I thought I was going to throw up.

We talked for a little while about life and it was so hard to just be his friend and not tell him how much my heart was breaking. When I hung up the phone, I just sobbed for about ten minutes.

I will always be his friend. It will always be the hardest thing for me to just be his friend. I have never loved this intensely before.

I get nauseous just thinking about him dating someone else. He's my buttons. . . only not anymore.

I went and got a hug from Robyn after that and went outside to try and help the immense wound I had just poured salt on with that conversation with Ian.

He told me that he had been reading my blog. I don't know if that means I should not write how I feel or if I should. I don't want him to feel badly for me being in pain, but I don't want to keep him out.

Mostly it just seems unfair. . .he still knows what goes on in my life but I have no idea what is going on in his. I just hurt because I love him.

I am reminded of that scene in Bruce Almighty where Jennifer Aniston is pleading with God to help her to stop loving him. I am nearly to that point. I just wanted/want to be with him, and I screwed things all up. Now I just have to sit back and wait to see if he ever decides that he wants to be with me as more than a friend. I feel like I am dying. . .like someone has stabbed me and I cannot heal but I cannot die, I can only suffer.

I just love him.

What's worse is that all of my friends cannot understand why we are not together. When I explain they just respond with, "you two were perfect for each other!"

My family says the same thing. Hell, HIS family said the same thing.

It seems that the only person who is not saying it is the only one that matters. I love him, I really do. I want to be with him forever. I am so mad at myself for everything that happened that screwed up my chance.

For now, I am really praying for strength so that I can be the friend he deserves when he sees me instead of dissolving into tears like today. I am also praying that he won't forget me when it comes to his list of friends and will call me if he ever needs anything.

I am off to go cry some more, have a good night.