What? You think I'm cool!

I am hurting a lot less now than earlier today after the phone call. I miss him, I really do. I wish I could be with him, but obviously it is not mutual. I cannot live my life wishing for something that did not work to work, that would be insane.

I was really happy with him though. I had never smiled so much in my entire life. He really just filled my soul with sunshine, made me feel God's love and power in everything, made my world beautiful.

He thought I was beautiful and for a moment, he made me think it too. I felt completely safe with him.

It sucks that everything went so rotten. It really sucks.

Kellen was talking to me on Saturday and said that you cannot really understand love until you feel the pain of it. Now I understand that love is not a power I can control.

I want control back because now all that love does is hurt me, but I am glad that love did hurt me, because it also gave me the best feelings I have ever had.

Coming back from Omaha every time all I could think about was him. From Labor day to right before Christmas with him sitting beside me. I walked on air!

It made me feel like maybe I had gotten something right. For the first time, life was giving me a chance. So ironically I blew it. Bravo to me.

I am going to get Malachai and I am going to be happy. I just looked up the name "Malachai" and it means, 'my messenger, my angel.' I need my dog, and I need it to be my best-friend and I will be its best-friend. I swear my life on it. Perhaps for now my Malachai will be Chewie at a house somewhere near UNM. Perhaps it will be here. . . One year from now. Who knows, but I am not waiting for anyone. I will die for my dog, because dogs make me smile. If they do no other thing besides eat, sleep, and poop, dogs make me smile, and that is enough for me.

People here tell me that they will miss me. So I gave them some advice a good friend once told me, "enjoy the now." It is truly some of the best-advice I have ever been given. I enjoyed my time with Ian to the fullest, and even though it ended romantically, I got the most I possibly could out of that situation.

I got a lot of love, a lot of hope, a lot of friendship, and a lot of happiness. Yes, I also got a lot of heartbreak, but that too will pass. My love for him will not.

As I head to bed tonight I cannot help but think if Ian is truly happy now. On facebook (damn facebook, it is the devil) Ian's most recent pictures are only of him drinking. I want him to be happy. I just hope he doesn't lose himself to the bottle, and without being too egotistical, I hope he doesn't do so on my account. I am not worth that.

I feel like a terrible person again because I hurt him. I never meant to. I guess I will start all over. I feel like a child with a crush for a boy who doesn't know I like him, it is sad, pathetic, and hopeless, but there is nothing I can do, nothing I can ever do, cept keep it to myself, breathe, and hope tomorrow is better.