Wow

I ended up passed out on a random male friend's bed on Friday night. I woke up and I didn't even know what happened.

Last night a friend saw me topless and said that I was beautiful, those words shouldn't sting but they do.

My brother told me an awful story from our childhood. . . It made me hate my mother just a little bit more. FYI- A water bottle and backwash. . . that's all you need to know.

I'm throwing my life away, yet still fighting for it with everything I have left. I lost everything, and I guess that makes me the scariest soldier. "The man to fear is the man who has nothing to lose."

My insides feel nothing but pain. I just want to feel happy again.

I know Ian may never believe me, but when I said yes it was not a lie. I was not this bad.

Fucking chemical imbalance of the brain, something I can't even fix myself without the one thing I truly hate, prescription meds. It just got out of hand, and I couldn't see that i had a problem till it was too late.

At the same time, I feel upset that Ian was only willing to talk to me through the good times. . .I listened when he sobbed to me at the beginning of the year about drinking, I was there at the hospital, yet he lies and says he'll call when he doesn't. It burns deep.

I am thinking about hurting myself. . . what's new? I just want to feel something, anything, at this point.

Hopefully I won't end up passed out in a random place during this upcoming week. Austen is leaving, I will miss him. We watched the sunrise this morning.

I just hate life, I hate all of this, yet I know that there is something better than where I am. I just wish I could get out of this place. I am praying for it with my entire soul.