My Halcyon Lea

Today I manage to cough up coffee all over myself in front of some just acquired friends. It was disgusting, for all involved. I wanted to cry. I mean, I was really getting along with these people when I embarrassed myself, but apparently it is going to be ok. They were really cool about it.

There are a lot of really attractive people here at Creighton, but as my friends checked out every guy that walked by, especially the soccer players, I just listened and nodded. I had no comment. I could not picture falling in love with any of the guys that walked around near me, I could not imagine what it would be like trying to get to know them as well as I do my current boyfriend.

I had a dream about Matthew the other day where I was trying to get him to kiss me, but he wouldn't. I felt the same emotions rise up that had been there when we were dating. I called Ian and apologized, I felt as though I had really been almost cheating on him. I am worried about the holidays when I see Matt again. I know nothing will happen, I would not let it, but I am scared that I would WANT something to happen. Those feelings should not exist, especially since I am in love with someone else. However, I thought Matt and I were going to get married and he left, which I will never understand. I think of the 98 degrees song that is entitled "The Hardest Thing." Ian deserves better than someone half committed to this relationship, and I don't want to imply that this is the case, but I still love Matthew, I will always, and I do not know how to put those feelings on the shelf yet.

I suppose that I must just deal with these feelings as they come and not worry about it until then, but that will be difficult. I am tired of letting my falling for Matthew ruin my life. It was beautiful while it lasted, at least for me.

Now I have something even more special, and I will not leave it for anything. I love Ian. You heard me, I love my best-friend, my number 1, and my family loves him too. I am forever grateful that he feels the same way about me that I do about him. I know that if I ever sprayed coffee on myself in front of him, he would be totally cool with it. He loves me, I love him, and that is the bottom line, here in my halcyon lea.