Just a Reflection

I wish that on Myspace and Facebook, those oh so self-compromising websites, that there was another choice to put under "relationship status." Robyn Kelly, one of my best-friends, has said on the matter, 'what about polygamy?'

If I could write in anything for my relationship status it would be 'nomadic.' I seem to be wandering.

My whole life has consisted of people I love leaving me, especially during hard times, and I am very exhausted from my efforts to have them stay. One of my girlfriends told me last night that she thinks that she might have feelings for me, but being a staunch heterosexual up until that moment, she could not quite place the feelings in her life. I did not know what to say. She continued on to say that she would act on those feelings but she hadn't had time to really figure them out because I was always "moving too fast. First there was Ian, then no one, then Ian, then my TA or Austen. . ."

So could it be possible that I am unable to find home in people I love because I am always on the move?

Perhaps. But my home cannot be burned down, it cannot be taken from me, it cannot even be hurt by someone else anymore because it exists only in me. I'm not sure if I will ever be willing to share that with anyone again, Ian kind of took my last shred of trust in the idea that you can truly benefit by giving yourself completely to love.

I just need time. I am pretty upset with some of my friends today because last night was really shitty. I continue to not get good sleep because I cannot even sleep in my own bedroom thanks to third roommate Derrick. He and Priya who are currently spooning naked (under a blanket) behind me.

I am starting packing today, I'll be honest, I am truly excited about it. I want to be done with this place SOOO much.

I am tired of the bullshit and I am tired of people not understanding and not even being able to hear what is going on with me.

It's weird, because in choosing to live, I truly lost my life. Everything I had known or trusted or believed in turned out to be false. I don't know what to believe in or to fight for anymore. I just exist. Wow, thank goodness I didn't kill myself. . .If I had I would at least have died for something I thought was right. Now everything is wrong and I know that there is no one waiting for me, no one to help me if I fall back into the hole. . .I'll just disappear.

There are cuts on my wrist. . .::sigh::. . . I have to stop drinking, my psychiatrist said so.