Mr. Mom

I desired to be the stay at home parent when I was older because I wanted to be able to rely on someone else to support the family financially. In many ways, I did not want the responsibility of bringing home the bacon singularly because it would have been nice to have been able to rely on someone else to do that instead.

I guess a part of me just wants to go back to being a kid again. 5 years old, no cares in the world except trying not to upset my older brother Alex. Never again will that be an option.

I feel my Dad's eyes on the back of my head as I study, awaiting my arrival at what will eventually be our office. I know that I will have to come home from work and regain my patience in order be there for my kids, the same way my father probably did everyday to face the family. I often wonder how my father did it, since I cannot remember him having an escape from his duties. Even when on vacation, there is a patient of my Dad's, running up to say hi to him. While he enjoys the recognition, I am sure that he wishes he could just step away from it as well.

I worry that I am only doing it for the money now. As Geneva Luders said, "Money is great because it provides opportunity." Perhaps I am just more interested in the opportunities that I may one day gain for my family, than the opportunities I am sacrificing for myself.

Never will I be free to live life for the moment. How can it be that society has made me already look forward to the lazy days of retirement? I am 19, and already I want to be free from my future responsibilities.

I know that I will most likely be married to a Mr. Mom, and this has many negative and positive qualities about it. I just do not know why I am so motivated to get somewhere I am not sure I ever wanted to be, Carpul tunnel syndrome, highest suicide rate, a practically cubicle atmosphere working on something the size of an apple, why the fuck does that appeal to anyone?

I just want to be free of this cross, yet I know that I have been given to those around me to serve. More and more I feel that I am not my own, but God's servant, something I am not even sure Ian believes me on. I fear that he does not understand the need I feel inside of me to make others happy.

I am just struggling right now, and the most important thing to me above all, is not repeating Christmas, and not pulling Ian back into the pit. I must climb out myself this time, and stay out.