Courtship

I remember how it used to be, when you and I would brush against each other and oh what a big deal that was. I remember that feeling when you kissed me for the first time, or when we made love. As this courtship continues, as you continue to change my life over and over again, I gasp in breath at the way you steal my heart away.

Yet I hurt, because something is still not right with me.

I picture you standing over a baby crib, laying down our child. I imagine you, asking my father for my hand. I can see it all, and yet it scares me to death.

I sometimes wonder why you know me so well, you are my bestfriend, yet you know me better than I know myself.

I felt like I was cheating on Matt, which is why I wanted to tour your school. I don't want you to feel like that too.

We may not both gasp as your hand accidentally brushes against mine, but now there are no limits. I know you like I have known no one else, and you know me. Don't be afraid to kiss me. Kiss me hard, kiss me soft, kiss me anyway you desire.

I miss you at night.

I miss spending my days with you. I feel like only half a person now.

"How do married people sleep at night?" Ryan's question eats away at my stomach everyday. How can married people sleep at night? How can they not talk for hours, or spend the night staring into each others eyes?

How can we be totally consumed by this love for each other and just accept that it might not work? For me there is no doubt. I might as well as you what we are going to name our first dog.

And that sureness scares me. Remember when I asked you and Jacob at Denny's how you know someone is the one? You just do.

Because I see it in you. And even if you do marry some ditzy redhead name Jazelle, I'll love her, because you do.

This courtship of ours is so beautiful it breaks my heart. I have asked for God to prove he is there to me after everything he did to me, and despite all the signs he gave, sunsets and sunrises, snow, the smell of a horse , the only one that makes me cry in pure joy, is us.

I think back to Weasel, and how sweet I thought he was. I thought he was the most romantic guy ever, that I would never know another like him, and I was right. I know someone better.

I love you Ian. This courtship is completely changing everything for me, in the best way possible. I am so happy I want to burst sometimes.

I am just very lost, and still very broken, but do me this favor, and kiss me, like you know you own my heart, because you do.