For Matthew

I had once thought that I would walk up the aisle, to be handed off by my dad, into your outstretched and loving arms. I thought that we were meant to be, but I know that when we tell each other that we are engaged to other people, our healed hearts will still ache as we hand an empty congratulations out to one another. I know now that you will never invite me to your wedding because it will be too hard for both of us, at least that is what you told me over the summer. I once thought that I would be the girl in the white dress, now I know that I will not be at your wedding at all. Perhaps it is better I am not there, although you will be invited to my own.

I know in time you and I will be able to simply be friends, maybe we will even be able to forget what once was. Yet I can not imagine forgetting how you and I made love, how you and I laughed and cried together.

You should know that I try to everyday, because there is nothing I can do to change your mind. There is nothing that I would do to change your mind. You were not willing to go the distance, it was not worth it to you, and I forgive that, because you had other goals.

When I close my eyes I can still feel you against my lips, your eyes peering into my soul.

Perhaps I have asked too much of myself recently, trying to get over you, and Ryan, and be there for Ian. I had not reflected on you in a couple of weeks because it was easier to think of you only as another friend, rather than the man who broke my heart. But now I am dying as I think about it. Pigeons, ha!

Finally, I really wish that you and Ian would get along some day. I do not fall in love everyday, and I do not fall in love except with men who really deserve it, yet both of you have managed to steal my heart away. I hope that someday you will be happy for us, and that you and Ian can put all your differences behind you and understand like I have been forced to, that the past is, history. Just grow from it. Don't let it ruin you. Don't let the next girl hurt you like I did. Make sure that you love her with your whole heart, never hold back, and never let her go. You'll be her everything, never take that for granted.

I heard the following song by Savage Garden today, and I just wanted to say, that even though it didn't work out, I will always remember the good times. I love you Mateo, for being Flipper and my friend, and continuing to be there for me now. My phone is always on, if you ever need anything.


"Here I go again I promised myself I wouldn't think of you today
It's been seven months and counting
You've moved on
I still feel exactly the same
It's just the that everywhere I go all the buildings know your name
Like photographs and memories of love
Steel and granite reminders
The city calls your name and I can't move on

Ever since you've been gone
The lights go out the same
The only difference is
You call another name
To your love
To your lover now
To your love
The lover after me

Am I all alone in the universe?
There's no love on these streets
I have given mine away to a world that didn't want it anyway
So this is my new freedom
It's funny I don't remember being chained
But nothing seems to make sense anymore

Without you I'm always twenty minutes late

Ever since you've been gone
The lights go out the same
The only difference is
You call another name
To your love
To your lover now
To your love
The lover after me

And time goes by so slowly
The nights are cold and lonely
I shouldn't be holding on
But I'm still holding on for you

Here I go again
I promised myself I wouldn't think of you today
But I'm standing at your doorway
I'm calling out your name because I can't move on

Ever since you've been gone
The lights go out the same
The only difference is
You call another name
To your love
To your lover now
To your love
The lover after me"