Ian- This is What I Couldn't Say On The Phone

I laugh it off now, because in truth, it is quite funny. I mean, I could not have imagined a more ironic Valentine's Day, but it also scares me.

I used to break up with men, so that they could not break up with me. That way I left them, before they could even consider it, cut them off at the pass.

Then I trusted you, and Valentine's day rolled around. I cried a lot, although I did not do it in front of you.

Months later, I would trust again, to be completely wrecked by Matthew.

Now I wonder when the next time will be. It is not that I do not believe that you love me, I know how much you love me, but the paranoia keeps me awake at night, wondering how many more hours you might love me for.

I think you are going to leave me, and you have given no indication that you are going to. I am sorry, but I cannot help but feel that maybe this suspicion has some sort of legitimacy behind it.

I do not want to hold you in something you do not want to be a part of, I am just scared that I will again have no warning, and be left with no idea what to do from there.

I always hated Valentine's day. It's a damn Hallmark holiday, but I have heard that people who have bad experiences with love are the only one's that hate it. I just don't want to relive last year's Valentine's day. I also don't want to relive my 3rd grade Valentine's either, because I threw up all over myself in the car on my way to school to tell Andre that I liked him, but that is another story.