Why Buy the Cow When You Can Get the Milk For Free?

I had always thought that the saying above was just a wee bit childish, or too folksy to be true. I am not so sure though. Is it possible that if we save ourselves, a man will be more likely to want us to carry their last name? What makes a woman marriable anyway?

Even though I have a bad image of myself, I had always dreamed about being some man's dream girl, the girl who they couldn't wait to marry. Apparently, I am not that girl, two times in a row. Maybe it's because I had always let people come into my family, be part of it, that I had assumed people who cared about me would want to do the same, but it is not true. To me, the perfect guy, and husband, are synonymous, but for others they are not.

Matt really wrecked me when he broke it off with me, but I was not nearly as wrecked as tonight, when I finally understood. "Our lives are headed in two different directions." I get it. I really get it. I am sorry I didn't understand before and I was so angered by it. It was my own pride and greed that wanted to hold you.

And now, I understand my relationship with Ian and I as well. I don't know what to do about it though.

Perhaps my life is not headed in a different direction from Matt's, but from everyone's. With reluctance, I feel my feelings for wanting to be someone else fading.

Nobody wants to father my children, nobody wants to share their last name with me, because I am quite simply, not the marrying type. Therefore I will just enjoy my relationships with others, throw birdseed at happy newlyweds, and allow childish dreams of a white dress to be simply that, dreams.

Yet I still ache. It is easy to say what I will do, all another to follow through with it. My last name is Rivera.

Rivera. Always Rivera.