"It's the American Dream- Sex, Drugs, and Movies"

It is hard. Letting go of the past, moving on. I removed Matthew from my buddy list because I could no longer handle the mindless small talk. Individuals I haven't talk to since fifth grade have more fulfilling conversation with me now than Matthew does. It would not be so hard, but I can recall the green truck, the way he kissed, being totally consumed by him and trying to explain it for others; now, people look at me and I have to tell them that I do not know a thing about him, nor him anything about me.

I watched the first episode of Ally McBeal that I have since I watched the show with my Mother, when she was still alive. I cannot say more than that, about that, because it is too heartbreaking to talk about. I will probably sit back and watch another episode in a few when I regain some composure.

I miss Ian. I love him so much it pains me to know that I am spending my college years away from the person I love, because I love them enough to do that. I see sweethearts running to each other on campus, lovers exchanging kisses on the lawn, and I just have to nod and pretend like I am happy when everyone asks me why my eyes fill with tears.

I never thought I could care about someone like I do with Ian. We talk about everything, from sex, to dreams, to fears, to racist jokes and boogers. I feel sometimes as if I am emptying myself out. My deepest confessions pour out of me, things I am barely able to admit to myself, I am able to tell him. It depresses me to actually think about going a few hours without having told him something to make him smile.

Yes, I am obsessed. So obsessed it is ridiculous. When I study, I study for him. When I am happy, when I eat right, I do it for him. For my best-friend, for the most honorable person I have ever known. If he ever asked me to stop being obsessed, or to leave him alone, I would, for him.

Tonight he is at a memorial service for his uncle, and I am dissapointed because I do not know what to do for him.

I dreamed about him today, that somebody hurt him. I have never wanted to kill anyone more in my life. It was terrifying how passionate I was about it. Ian stopped me, but I hated that person.

You know, I was shattered by Matthew. Let alone my Mother's death. I think if something happened to Ian, that would completely destroy me. I would have nothing left, except a jaded cynical view of the world. Ian taught me how to smile again. That is not a skill that can be easily remastered, and it is definitely not something that just anyone can teach.