If I could change one thing-

If I could change one thing about my entire life, I would have never let Matt kiss me that day outside Baskin Robins and therefore would have never broken up with Ryan.

That wouldn't have changed Ryan's death, and it wouldn't have caused my life to turn out that much differently, but I would have never risked it for a man who told me to be crazy and believe in love. Twice in the last year I have really risked my life for love, and it has really cost me everything, including my dignity.

How do I look back at my life? How do I look back and think, "I was chosen secondarily to war, to marijuana, to men, to the priesthood, to death, to other women." I feel like nothing. Meanwhile, yeah, I have a date lined up, and not that I want a serious relationship, but it hurts deeply to know that there is no where it can lead. It just is.

Also. . .nobody really IMs me anymore. I'm always reaching out. Damn it.

I'm just upset because my weekend was Hell and nobody even gave me a hug over it. Yeah, you're all sorry that my life is miserable, whatever. I'm miserable because my life is miserable. I have a box sitting two feet away from me that i cannot open because inside it there are two 'engagement' rings. God I feel like such a dumbass sometimes.

I mean, I broke up with Ryan! I should be mourning my loss of Ian, or hell, even Matt, but instead all that is on my mind these days is Ryan. Not a single man on this Earth has ever made me feel so loved as Ryan did, AS A FRIEND. He never had a bad thing happen to him, yet he was willing to be there for people that had.

The only time I told him I loved him was once late at night when I knew he was asleep. I wish I could go back, I wish I could go back and tell him how I really felt when he wasn't asleep.

Instead I gambled everything on Matt because he said that he loved me, and even though I had been hurt time and time again by him, I risked it all because that night when he shakily proposed to me on my front lawn and stared into my eyes, I knew he was right. I knew he really wanted to marry me.

I'll never know if that changed or if he just decided it was not worth the effort because Matt never gave me the gift of closure. So I sit here trying not to hate him for making me give up Ryan and then breaking my heart.

I just give up. I cannot trust anyone, yet I know I will.

I miss my friend Ian, I miss him so much. I wish that we could still talk, but I know that it is not possible right now, possibly not ever. Maybe my phone will ring, maybe it won't, but I really do give up on that. I tried so hard last weekend, it took everything I had after he told me hated me and blamed me for his entire life being ruined. I had wanted to die so badly and he didn't even listen at the time and now he hates me for it. . . well I cannot change that. I do not think he can ever even comprehend the fact that for two and a half years he feigned interest in me as long as I was mentally stable. I stood by him through everything, and the moment I fell, he kicked me an threw dirt in my eye. I am not even angry, I would really let him do it again if it would help him, I just feel sorry for him. I loved him enough to even try to tell someone else. It took so much of me to tell him, only to be ridiculed. Meanwhile my roommate was hating me for trying to help her with her problems. My family didn't understand, I practically failed out of college, and now everyone that went out of state for college really doesn't understand why I am coming back. . . ::sigh::

I feel a lot better. My roommate is a Goddess.

I just give up.