Summer

So summer is coming up and I find myself really really heartbroken because of THREE different guys.

I don't think Ian and I will ever be friends. I could apologize but I know I would not get one in return. Follow up, what would motivate me to try and be someone's friend who doesn't want me in their life and made that very clear? I am sick of chasing after him. He only wanted me when he couldn't have me. Maybe it was the chase. Well, whatever it was, it is over because he "only called me because he wanted to date me." So I guess he will never call me again.

Matt is being aggravating as usual, and I am still hung up on that whole situation. It makes me mad that he too only wants me when I don't want him at all. I just wish I didn't want him, that would make life sooo much easier.

Finally, there is Ryan. I climbed a tree barefoot today and realized that nobody really got why I was so into Ryan. He tapped into a part of myself that I didn't even really find until I was holding hands with him during Team America or making Star Wars noises or throwing each other into a pool and shivering for a long time together because we both were chilled to the bone.

::sigh:: I'm sick of loving. I just want to swear it all of for life. I'm tired of the hurt, I really am. I feel myself sliding into cynicism and I hope I don't end up too jaded because of it.