Too Little Too Late

Disease. It sucks. I know you are thinking right now, "thanks Ms. Obvious," but really it does suck because you cannot just take something and have it go away like the cold, you just have to stick it out and hope it gets better with time and is not a terminal illness. Everyone is telling me to be patient, but it's so hard when I see people and things slipping out from under me.

Last night was Hell. I just burst into tears at my favorite restaraunt in front of my Dad and brother.

Today was pretty Hellish too until I just let go and went out to eat with my new family for dinner. I told Julia that she was my second Mom and she beamed at me. I am getting closer to her and I just want it all to be one family again. I told Diego, in tears, last night that I had really lost the important things, but when I told him that I had talked to my family he said, "No Natalie, you still have your family right there and there are friends who have not walked away. You still have people that care about you." So true, damn the truth.

Brian told me, drunkenly, last night that "If I dream it, it will be real." Personally I think it is bullshit- build it and they will come sort of crap, but that's the proverbeal knowledge from Omaha right now.

Dominic said something profound on the pilgrimage today, (which I will speak of in a minute), while we were walking around the Jesus festival feeling the urge to overturn tables like the man himself down at the Santuario.
The conversation went as follows:
I said, "Dominic is the only one with a significant other. What are we doing with our lives fellas?" Dominic said, "You may not have that sort of significant other, but you have others that are significant."

I didn't know how to respond, he was right. I should say at this point that Ian and I talked and decided not to talk about the shit that went down in the relationship, and I am therefore not going to post those in this blog anymore, because it is not helping anyone to do so, including myself. So don't expect gossip in that department, get your own life because mine is shattered enough without spilling that aspect.

So the pilgrimage- Leanne had a friend of the family die, flaked out. My Dad was on call, flaked out. Melinda and Graham had class, flaked out. Ben was sick. . .I'll let him get away with that. However, two of my other friends really flaked on us today and didn't tell us where they were or even pick up the phone to tell us they weren't coming. So we waited for them for a while and finally had to take off. Throughout the day we kept calling them back, but they didn't answer. Only one finally called me around five and talked to me about it. I got to chill with him (amongst many other beautiful friends that I will no doubt splash into a facebook album), and we are really cool. I finally found out that the other friend was basically deathly ill all day. . . but I heard it from other people and that hurts because he is one of my good friends and it sucks that he never called me back. I just hope he is feeling better and that he gets back into town safe and sound in time for V for Vendetta tomorrow night.

The pilgrimage mostly blew. Diego, Allan, Dom and I basically hated it the entire time, because everyone flaked, we didn't have enough time to walk the distance we wanted to, and we didn't get a whole hell out of it except for a day well wasted. I had been looking forward to today for my friends and family and the pilgrimage for nearly 3.5 weeks now, so it was a major bummer that everyone ditched. Whatever, better luck next year.

Ok, so I bowled. I had no intention of doing it, but Phil C. challenged me and I couldn't back down. First game I kicked the boys asses, second game I was just doing stupid things like bowling blind and backwards, but I still did really decent. It was the first time I ever really felt like I could bowl. It felt good to be good at something, to actually be able to do it.

I saw a bunch of friends and it made me realize that even though I absolutely LOVE the people in Nebraska, nothing can make up for New Mexico in my heart. Yeah, I will travel the world but I will always come home to New Mexico.

Home. I drove Home tonight. I was thinking, "damn, I got to get home" when I realized that I actually felt safe and loved and. . . FELT. I could feel. I didn't feel trapped or paranoid or scared, I was just content.

Meanwhile a very fitting song for me was playing on my radio. Ok, so it was being blasted on my radio while I sped along the highway trying to light a cig, but that doesn't really matter.

Anyway, due to circumstances that people say were under my control, I have lost many things that were important to me due to my diseases. However, my doctor never saw that I had bi-polar. I definitely wouldn't have guessed it, so anti-depressants weren't going to solve it. I also believed that I was getting better, and then I crashed and had nothing to pull myself back up with. I still feel like I am in a hole trying to climb up. I am sick. I wish that I could have the things I had before now, but I know that I do not deserve them right now, nor do they deserve me right now. Everything is f-ed up. Time has really taken its toll on me and as I climb back out and just try and reach some sort of semi-level playing field to attempt to play with the amateurs, I feel like it is all a little too late.

I have lost people's trust, I have lost trust in myself and others, and I am really sick of flakey people and/or liars. Incidentally, that song sort of said it all. I hear all these love songs on the radio, or songs about people climbing up but are struggling, and even though they should be inspiring, most music is really bringing me down right now. "Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow. So why can't I turn off the radio?"- Ne-Yo

Ok, so the reason my blogs are not daily is not because I do not have things to say everyday, I have a million things that could be sorted out on paper, but I often do not have the strength to write. It would make me kill myself if I tried to write my feelings sometimes and sort them out. For example, last night.

Speaking of writing things out, I am so unable to concentrate, I feel like I am in the movie Momento. I have to put post-its everywhere or do something immediately before I forget otherwise it will not get done until I can figure out what the fuck I was trying to do. . .often it is too late or days later before I can remember. It fucking sucks. I cannot remember what was said in a conversation only seconds before and I have to reread my blogs so I don't repeat or fuck myself up further.

Saw Linda today, she seemed to be better than the last time I saw here, even though I know she is worse. I hope Ian calls because his birthday gift is just sitting around here. . .I just thought about how funny it would be to make him garlic brownies. It really wouldn't be funny at all if Jake and Kellen weren't there though. Ok, random thought sorry.

It was hard to talk to Linda because she feels like family to me even though I am not technically part of that family anymore. . . damn. Oh well, I just love her, that's all I can do, and continue to pray. I hope to see her again over the summer, i don't know if it will happen or not.

Oh yeah! NMT!!! I saw it on Thursday and it only rectified my fears that the social atmosphere may not be the best one for me to heal in. However, it also might just be the best one. I can't tell yet, but I know I want to go there because of the AMAZING ENVS department. I hope I get a decent roommate next year. I wasn't really worried too much about that because I had Priya, now I have to do it all over again.

Really, I want to just live in a TeePee with Chewie. That would be sweet.

Ok, I am feeling sort of tired, so I am going to try and relax. I will go watch some house, start the water running so it will be hot in about ten minutes (the boiler is broken, as an 8 ball would say: ask again later) and then I am going to try and get some sleep tonight. I have not had more than three hours in a night for the past two weeks. Sometimes I get in a good nap, but that is rare. I never have time and if I lay down and cannot get to sleep I stress out to the point where I start to hyperventilate, so I am pretty wary about even trying to nap and I am also trying to regulate my sleeping pattern. So I have regulated it, basically no sleep. That's probably not good.

::sigh:: Well I will finish by putting in the lyrics from the song in my car tonight, and it pretty much sums up my life right now in a nice clean package for you. Wait for it- Bonus: It is a Barenaked Ladies song.

"Too Little Too Late"
You say, why does everything revolve around you?
You say, why does everything I do confound you?
You say that I pulled the world from under you,
You can’t go through it this time

And I could be good, and I would - if I knew I was understood
And it’ll be great, just wait - or is it too little too late?

One day, this embarrassment will fade behind me
And that day I could think of things that won’t remind me
But these days it’s unbearable for both of us
We can’t discuss it this way

I’m gaining strength, tying to learn pull my own weight
But I’m gaining pounds at the precipice of too late
Just wait

I could be good, and I would - if I knew I was understood
And it’ll be great, just wait - or is it too little too late?

Record and play, after years of endless rewind
Yesterday wasn’t half as tough as this time
This time isn’t hell,
Last time, I couldn’t tell
This mind wasn’t well
Next time, hope i’m...
Going to be good, and I would -
If I knew I was understood
And it’ll be great, just wait -
Or is it too little too late?
Good, and I would -
If I knew I was understood
And it’ll be great, just wait -
Or is it too little too late?