My Grandfather is dying. . .and Ian is not talking to me- Both are equally painful

Ian wants space and despite wanting to call him right now I am not. I feel like I did in middle school when suddenly my Mother turned on me. She never saw that she had a problem, always believed she was right, and expected an apology without giving one in return. She also never saw that she had a problem. Not to say Ian has a problem like my Mom did, but he is severely stubborn and the likeness to Mother/Matt is uncanny. He is also unable to see that I am really injured also and this is not all about him.

I saw Ian's dad and Linda and her children today. It was really good, it made me feel good to have not lost that part of my family even though Ian has disowned me. It really gave me hope. His Dad showed me flowers that were blooming and talked to me for a long time. I felt really at home thanks to Chuck, he is a life saver in so many ways. I completely forgot to check in on the Bettas, guess I shall try to after I return from school in 3 weeks and really try to remember. No doubt I will forget like I always do though. I was really trying to just spend time with Linda though and I am glad I did. Her fighting spirit gives me so much strength and hope. She is my hero right now.

My Grandfather took a really bad fall last week and was on the ground for a hour and a half before he could get the ambulance to arrive. He has not been taking care of himself and is so sickly that it was hard to look at him because he is so weak and suffering. He has sores on his skin and is in pain.

::sigh:: And I can't call Ian to tell him any of this and I am not sure if he wants to know or not.

Stress is extreme. I woke up today from dreaming that Ian and I were dancing together to me lying in my bed all alone. I wish that I didn't love him anymore, but I do and as such all I can do is not pick up the phone and call him. God I hope that he doesn't hate me forever because I really enjoyed our friendship before everything went to Hell.

I am having breakdowns over the end of the year, going back to Omaha only to say goodbye, grades, an English portfolio on very personal subjects that I am not sure I have the emotional stability to finish, my grandfather, Linda, my meds leaving me completely drained, insomnia, my dog, choosing a new college, finding a place, avoiding certain people who are not helping me better, trying to find employment, trying to find a counselor and psychiatrist here so that I don't miss any treatment, getting surgery over the summer, catching up with friends, and facing the summer without Ryan.

I loved Ryan and I wish I understood how much before he died. I have never met a more pure and beautiful individual. He gave me the best summer of my life and I will never be able to forget it.

Pray for my grandfather please and call me/message me if you want more info.