Out For the Count

Ok, so this summer I am moving to Xanga for my blog, which makes sense seeing as this blog was my life in Omaha. Anyway, I don't want to put it on here, because then I have no control over who gets the next one....

HOWEVER, I will say this, if you are a friend of mine on facebook, you can find it there.

Dominic and others that want it need to shoot me an email because I will completely forget to send it to you otherwise.

Email me at- NatalieLRivera@gmail.com

For a Man Who Saw Something Good In Me

I left my heart on your front seat when you drove away,
I didn't expect to see you leave,
Yet I never did think that you would stay,

Yeah, left that heart where you could see it,
Yeah, it never did belong to me,
It's a tragedy of circumstance, but damn fate,
We're never gonna' beat it.

Boy, I would love you if I could,
I would hold if you if I should,
But now everything has gone to Hell.

I tried to let this passion die,
I tried to help you realize-
I was never gonna be good for you.

God you know I would
I would love you if I could
I would hold you. . . Wonder if I should

Damn this misery I put on you
Damn this destiny
Damn this world I brought you into
Damn this whole freakin scene

Damn the people that bring you down
I'm still hoping you'll come around
But I see the tail lights and there you go -
Physical distance finally catching up to the length between our souls

I'm swearing to you that I would give anything to just-
Just for one day I would
Love you if I could
I really don't think I should
_ _ _, for you I wish my heart would.

My Biological Excuse For Never Falling In Love Again

Ok, a dead lady bug, Mark, Matt, Foy, Priya, Robyn, and a cigarette helped me come up with this theory, but none of them know it, less they read this. So take it with a grain of salt.

I haven't had much time to blog this week- but here is me procrastinating on my studying for finals. (Incidentally, this was first written during a biology review as he explained axons and the kidney.) So without further ado- The No Love Theory (abridged)

Romantic Love- Does it even exist? I understand the concept of loving other people and giving ourselves to them as friends and family. I have felt all of this. However, what evidence do we have for 'romantic' love? What is this so called attraction to one person out of the billions that exist? Let us also be honest for a moment, there are many scientific and legitimate reasons for explanations for or actions associated with this so-called 'love.' At the simplest level, we want our genes to be passed on. When we care for others we are assisting our species to survive, not truly caring for them.

Pair bonding is something that originally existed to allow our species to do well. One male only has to provide for one female and his offspring, aka his genes. The male workforce began because, frankly, women of our species are highly vulnerable when they are pregnant. They are awkward and pretty incapable of protecting both herself and the unborn child from danger. She cannot be out hunting a mammoth while as he can be.

Hormones and endorphines attract us to others, especially on a carnal level. Kisses, hugs, nuzzling, and 'making love' are simply ways our species increases that bond between mates so as to show to other potential mates that one is 'off the market' so to speak. We mark our territory in hickeys and sex.

Ah, yes, I almost forgot! Birth Control. As overpopulation begins to reach a life threatening level on this planet, is it any surprise that our intellectual species came up with a solution to that? No, we did not evolve to this, but we created it all the same.

So there you go- Love does not exist.

Go ahead, applause, give me a prize, a trophy, etc. It was all a big genetic scam that we fed into like Santa Claus so that we could sleep at night. I mean, we needed SOMETHING to passive our time. Also, what would the fine arts be without 'love?'

....

Ok, there is a snag. It is a major rift in the theory. Not to say that there isn't more than one, but this one is so large that it makes me almost believe in love again. Almost.

Well what is it? Ok, I'm about to step outside my PC limits for a moment. Don't get offended too quickly.

In one word- Homosexuality. Honestly, what benefit do humans receive from being involved in a life mating with one of the same gender? Why are we attracted to this? What could possibly be the reason beyond love?

Let us readdress my biological reasoning:
Could it be sexual gratification? Perhaps, but why would instincts drive us to homo-gender physical relations ? There is not a good biological reason. Instinctively, we have a sexual need so that our species is encouraged to reproduce and pass on our genes. Obviously no child can be created naturally through a relationship like this, so what purpose is there.

This leads into the possibility of natural birth control. Is is possible? Obviously no child is created, but our habitat is not so greatly crowded where a mutation in our genetics would cause a higher success rate to occur for our species overall. Also, homosexuality has been with us since the dawn of mankind, so what purpose does it serve. Not possibly birth control. In all truth, cannibalism would be more beneficial to our overpopulation problem then homosexuality is. So there is not really a good biological reason for it, despite it being a biological effect of our species.

Yet these individuals nurture and care for each other, clearly not helping the overpopulation by assisting in more people surviving, yet not passing on genes, and it abandons the commonly obtained evolutionary theories of roles associated with pregnancy difficulties because there is not a child. The same could be said of any heterosexual couple that does not reproduce either.

It is interesting in our world that the only real evidence of love and true pair bonding are often the most ridiculed. Hatred is spewed on homosexuals, yet they are a precious sign of love!

While I do not know if I believe that I personally am capable of 'romantic' love anymore-
and after my life I am not sure if this love really exists at all or if it is simply something we comfort ourselves with. This also applies to faith in God. I will also admit that this may just be a 'broken heart' speaking out in a theory, but I would not know.

I mean, there is no scientific evidence to back God either, it is all faith. So do I believe in this love? I have faith in God, I have faith in the love of mankind, and I believe in the inherent goodness of others (if for nothing else but for the continuation of our species)...

To sum up:

I don't know if I will ever love again,
Or if I have ever truly felt this romance, this 'love' at all.

A Song Derrick Wrote About Me

"Sounds" By Derrick Calloway
Hear it Yourself

I'm so tired of falling back on the premise that I pin with a thumbtack
On my wall now it's full of scraps, notes, a book I never wrote

Even though I always said I would, it's a chapter away from calling good
So it stays in the keys of a typewriter, in the moment I left it he's kissing her

On the lips just like the novels do, fingertips and sparks in the blue bayou
In the warm summer night they steal away

But that's just a tale you tell your friends, in the moonlight this is how it ends
And I can't lie to you anymore, I'm not sure

And even though you layer on thick, the covers of your bed leave you sick
And you just can't escape the cold

The city waits, drags you down, in the streets and all you want is self-assurance

Welcome to the Sideshow

That fire of being accepted, of being loved for who I am has gone to rot. I failed to realize that no one really knew the extent of my diseases except for Kellen, Ian, Kenna, Priya, Robyn, Derrick, Diego, Mel and my family. Everyone else has balked since they found out.

I wish there was a category on facebook that read, "un-date-able". Then I could at least label myself from the get go and avoid the pain.

I just have a steel rod pushed through my chest right now by so many people, and it just gets cranked every time someone inadvertently brings me down. What a waste of life am I.

I will die alone. It was bad enough when I was the girl who had tumors and a dead mother. . .Now I am completely crossed of everyone's list until I can say, "Oh yeah, I barely remember any of that." But how do I forget something so pertinent to my life?

I'm going to English now, and I am heart-broken all over again. The dreams of yesterday were far more beautiful than these shallow dreams I shall have yet.

All is lost, and as the rain comes down on my soggy gray world, I can only hope that God gives me purpose for tomorrow.

Vivo Una Vida de la Pasión

I just am in love with life. I have learned that I am perhaps not meant for what I thought I was, I have learned that love truly means there for good times and not, and I have learned that suffering only helps me to understand that I am meant to help others relieve their suffering. I am no saint, I would not pretend for a moment that I am, but I am severly in love with life and pursuing a life in which I spread love as much as I can. God has given me this breath to breath out his love.

Haha, this will be the third time I have typed out a blog today and hopefully this time it will not be erased. It is semi-ironic considering what I was trying to put in a blog today.

Life! What a glorious gift! Just reflect on life for a moment and realize how BEAUTIFUL it can be! I am so happy with life. It kicks my ass, but I have learned to really find the humor in that situation. I think it really broke my stubbornness and drive to try and beat life at it's own game. Life will always make me suffer painful things, but I suffer because I LOVE. If I did not care for those that I lose, than life would be nothing!

Godbless life! Godbless my friends and family! No, my life is not perfect. It is far from it, but this pain I endure will only help me to support others in the future.

However, I do have a complaint to issue at this time and it is something that comes with the territory of blogging: I am now afraid that what is here will not be everything that I really think on a topic, and I will have to put that down in my journal instead because some information has caused me only problems and I grow severely weary of being given shit for honestly saying what is going on my life from someone who voluntarily read something I wrote. My blog is not forced on you, but multiple individuals who read this have hurt me using this site as a reason. Natrivera.blogspot.com goes censored for now.

On a lighter note- I was listening to this song, and I will not explain why, but it applies to me on many levels. Please, take humor in my situation and the fact that I am not quoting DISNEY.

On that note, I had this song playing on my computer earlier:

"I won't say I'm in love" Off the Hercules Soundtrack
[Meg:]
If there's a prize for rotten judgement
I guess I've already won that
No man is worth the aggravation
That's ancient history, been there, done that!

[Muses:] Who'd'ya think you're kiddin'
He's the Earth and heaven to you
Try to keep it hidden
Honey, we can see right through you
Girl, ya can't conceal it
We know how ya feel and
Who you're thinking of

[Meg:]
No chance, no way
I won't say it, no, no

[Muses:]
You swoon, you sigh
why deny it, uh-oh

[Meg:]
It's too cliche
I won't say I'm in love

I thought my heart had learned its lesson
It feels so good when you start out
My head is screaming get a grip, girl
Unless you're dying to cry your heart out
Oh

[Muses:]
You keep on denying
Who you are and how you're feeling
Baby, we're not buying
Hon, we saw ya hit the ceiling
Face it like a grown-up
When ya gonna own up
That ya got, got, got it bad

[Meg:]
No chance, now way
I won't say it, no, no

[Muses:]
Give up, give in
Check the grin you're in love

[Meg:]
This scene won't play,
I won't say I'm in love

[Muses:]
You're doin flips read our lips
You're in love

[Meg:]
You're way off base
I won't say it
Get off my case
I won't say it

[Muses:]
Girl, don't be proud
It's O.K. you're in love

[Meg:]
Oh
At least out loud,
I won't say I'm in love

If I could change one thing-

If I could change one thing about my entire life, I would have never let Matt kiss me that day outside Baskin Robins and therefore would have never broken up with Ryan.

That wouldn't have changed Ryan's death, and it wouldn't have caused my life to turn out that much differently, but I would have never risked it for a man who told me to be crazy and believe in love. Twice in the last year I have really risked my life for love, and it has really cost me everything, including my dignity.

How do I look back at my life? How do I look back and think, "I was chosen secondarily to war, to marijuana, to men, to the priesthood, to death, to other women." I feel like nothing. Meanwhile, yeah, I have a date lined up, and not that I want a serious relationship, but it hurts deeply to know that there is no where it can lead. It just is.

Also. . .nobody really IMs me anymore. I'm always reaching out. Damn it.

I'm just upset because my weekend was Hell and nobody even gave me a hug over it. Yeah, you're all sorry that my life is miserable, whatever. I'm miserable because my life is miserable. I have a box sitting two feet away from me that i cannot open because inside it there are two 'engagement' rings. God I feel like such a dumbass sometimes.

I mean, I broke up with Ryan! I should be mourning my loss of Ian, or hell, even Matt, but instead all that is on my mind these days is Ryan. Not a single man on this Earth has ever made me feel so loved as Ryan did, AS A FRIEND. He never had a bad thing happen to him, yet he was willing to be there for people that had.

The only time I told him I loved him was once late at night when I knew he was asleep. I wish I could go back, I wish I could go back and tell him how I really felt when he wasn't asleep.

Instead I gambled everything on Matt because he said that he loved me, and even though I had been hurt time and time again by him, I risked it all because that night when he shakily proposed to me on my front lawn and stared into my eyes, I knew he was right. I knew he really wanted to marry me.

I'll never know if that changed or if he just decided it was not worth the effort because Matt never gave me the gift of closure. So I sit here trying not to hate him for making me give up Ryan and then breaking my heart.

I just give up. I cannot trust anyone, yet I know I will.

I miss my friend Ian, I miss him so much. I wish that we could still talk, but I know that it is not possible right now, possibly not ever. Maybe my phone will ring, maybe it won't, but I really do give up on that. I tried so hard last weekend, it took everything I had after he told me hated me and blamed me for his entire life being ruined. I had wanted to die so badly and he didn't even listen at the time and now he hates me for it. . . well I cannot change that. I do not think he can ever even comprehend the fact that for two and a half years he feigned interest in me as long as I was mentally stable. I stood by him through everything, and the moment I fell, he kicked me an threw dirt in my eye. I am not even angry, I would really let him do it again if it would help him, I just feel sorry for him. I loved him enough to even try to tell someone else. It took so much of me to tell him, only to be ridiculed. Meanwhile my roommate was hating me for trying to help her with her problems. My family didn't understand, I practically failed out of college, and now everyone that went out of state for college really doesn't understand why I am coming back. . . ::sigh::

I feel a lot better. My roommate is a Goddess.

I just give up.

Summer

So summer is coming up and I find myself really really heartbroken because of THREE different guys.

I don't think Ian and I will ever be friends. I could apologize but I know I would not get one in return. Follow up, what would motivate me to try and be someone's friend who doesn't want me in their life and made that very clear? I am sick of chasing after him. He only wanted me when he couldn't have me. Maybe it was the chase. Well, whatever it was, it is over because he "only called me because he wanted to date me." So I guess he will never call me again.

Matt is being aggravating as usual, and I am still hung up on that whole situation. It makes me mad that he too only wants me when I don't want him at all. I just wish I didn't want him, that would make life sooo much easier.

Finally, there is Ryan. I climbed a tree barefoot today and realized that nobody really got why I was so into Ryan. He tapped into a part of myself that I didn't even really find until I was holding hands with him during Team America or making Star Wars noises or throwing each other into a pool and shivering for a long time together because we both were chilled to the bone.

::sigh:: I'm sick of loving. I just want to swear it all of for life. I'm tired of the hurt, I really am. I feel myself sliding into cynicism and I hope I don't end up too jaded because of it.

My Grandfather is dying. . .and Ian is not talking to me- Both are equally painful

Ian wants space and despite wanting to call him right now I am not. I feel like I did in middle school when suddenly my Mother turned on me. She never saw that she had a problem, always believed she was right, and expected an apology without giving one in return. She also never saw that she had a problem. Not to say Ian has a problem like my Mom did, but he is severely stubborn and the likeness to Mother/Matt is uncanny. He is also unable to see that I am really injured also and this is not all about him.

I saw Ian's dad and Linda and her children today. It was really good, it made me feel good to have not lost that part of my family even though Ian has disowned me. It really gave me hope. His Dad showed me flowers that were blooming and talked to me for a long time. I felt really at home thanks to Chuck, he is a life saver in so many ways. I completely forgot to check in on the Bettas, guess I shall try to after I return from school in 3 weeks and really try to remember. No doubt I will forget like I always do though. I was really trying to just spend time with Linda though and I am glad I did. Her fighting spirit gives me so much strength and hope. She is my hero right now.

My Grandfather took a really bad fall last week and was on the ground for a hour and a half before he could get the ambulance to arrive. He has not been taking care of himself and is so sickly that it was hard to look at him because he is so weak and suffering. He has sores on his skin and is in pain.

::sigh:: And I can't call Ian to tell him any of this and I am not sure if he wants to know or not.

Stress is extreme. I woke up today from dreaming that Ian and I were dancing together to me lying in my bed all alone. I wish that I didn't love him anymore, but I do and as such all I can do is not pick up the phone and call him. God I hope that he doesn't hate me forever because I really enjoyed our friendship before everything went to Hell.

I am having breakdowns over the end of the year, going back to Omaha only to say goodbye, grades, an English portfolio on very personal subjects that I am not sure I have the emotional stability to finish, my grandfather, Linda, my meds leaving me completely drained, insomnia, my dog, choosing a new college, finding a place, avoiding certain people who are not helping me better, trying to find employment, trying to find a counselor and psychiatrist here so that I don't miss any treatment, getting surgery over the summer, catching up with friends, and facing the summer without Ryan.

I loved Ryan and I wish I understood how much before he died. I have never met a more pure and beautiful individual. He gave me the best summer of my life and I will never be able to forget it.

Pray for my grandfather please and call me/message me if you want more info.