"It's the American Dream- Sex, Drugs, and Movies"

It is hard. Letting go of the past, moving on. I removed Matthew from my buddy list because I could no longer handle the mindless small talk. Individuals I haven't talk to since fifth grade have more fulfilling conversation with me now than Matthew does. It would not be so hard, but I can recall the green truck, the way he kissed, being totally consumed by him and trying to explain it for others; now, people look at me and I have to tell them that I do not know a thing about him, nor him anything about me.

I watched the first episode of Ally McBeal that I have since I watched the show with my Mother, when she was still alive. I cannot say more than that, about that, because it is too heartbreaking to talk about. I will probably sit back and watch another episode in a few when I regain some composure.

I miss Ian. I love him so much it pains me to know that I am spending my college years away from the person I love, because I love them enough to do that. I see sweethearts running to each other on campus, lovers exchanging kisses on the lawn, and I just have to nod and pretend like I am happy when everyone asks me why my eyes fill with tears.

I never thought I could care about someone like I do with Ian. We talk about everything, from sex, to dreams, to fears, to racist jokes and boogers. I feel sometimes as if I am emptying myself out. My deepest confessions pour out of me, things I am barely able to admit to myself, I am able to tell him. It depresses me to actually think about going a few hours without having told him something to make him smile.

Yes, I am obsessed. So obsessed it is ridiculous. When I study, I study for him. When I am happy, when I eat right, I do it for him. For my best-friend, for the most honorable person I have ever known. If he ever asked me to stop being obsessed, or to leave him alone, I would, for him.

Tonight he is at a memorial service for his uncle, and I am dissapointed because I do not know what to do for him.

I dreamed about him today, that somebody hurt him. I have never wanted to kill anyone more in my life. It was terrifying how passionate I was about it. Ian stopped me, but I hated that person.

You know, I was shattered by Matthew. Let alone my Mother's death. I think if something happened to Ian, that would completely destroy me. I would have nothing left, except a jaded cynical view of the world. Ian taught me how to smile again. That is not a skill that can be easily remastered, and it is definitely not something that just anyone can teach.

In Regards to My Love- Buttons

Last night I still lay awake after all the shit had hit the fan, and I was bothered, because in an effort to make myself feel better, I had hurt Ian. That was not my intention.

I love Ian. I see him and I in the classic friendship relationship. He is my Mulder. . .I can only hope I am his Scully. (Facebook photo was inspired by this).

I really hope he knows how he drives me crazy. I hope he understands that I cannot stand the idea of another girl holding his hand, or making him smile the way he does when I kiss him on the nose.

I love that he is taller than me. I love that he is the best friend I have ever had.

In Regards To Matt

"Are you in love with him, or the idea of being in love with him?"-Diego Duran

I am in love with the idea of being in love with him. I am in love with having what we might have. . .of what could have been.

But things were never as good as I romantically remember them, the way I have built him into some sort of hero, despite it all. I remember Matthew clearly, and I cared so much for him. . .my heart is still smashed upon the rocks everytime I think about him. I remember the truck after graduation. . .I remember it all, probably more than he even does.

Courtship

I remember how it used to be, when you and I would brush against each other and oh what a big deal that was. I remember that feeling when you kissed me for the first time, or when we made love. As this courtship continues, as you continue to change my life over and over again, I gasp in breath at the way you steal my heart away.

Yet I hurt, because something is still not right with me.

I picture you standing over a baby crib, laying down our child. I imagine you, asking my father for my hand. I can see it all, and yet it scares me to death.

I sometimes wonder why you know me so well, you are my bestfriend, yet you know me better than I know myself.

I felt like I was cheating on Matt, which is why I wanted to tour your school. I don't want you to feel like that too.

We may not both gasp as your hand accidentally brushes against mine, but now there are no limits. I know you like I have known no one else, and you know me. Don't be afraid to kiss me. Kiss me hard, kiss me soft, kiss me anyway you desire.

I miss you at night.

I miss spending my days with you. I feel like only half a person now.

"How do married people sleep at night?" Ryan's question eats away at my stomach everyday. How can married people sleep at night? How can they not talk for hours, or spend the night staring into each others eyes?

How can we be totally consumed by this love for each other and just accept that it might not work? For me there is no doubt. I might as well as you what we are going to name our first dog.

And that sureness scares me. Remember when I asked you and Jacob at Denny's how you know someone is the one? You just do.

Because I see it in you. And even if you do marry some ditzy redhead name Jazelle, I'll love her, because you do.

This courtship of ours is so beautiful it breaks my heart. I have asked for God to prove he is there to me after everything he did to me, and despite all the signs he gave, sunsets and sunrises, snow, the smell of a horse , the only one that makes me cry in pure joy, is us.

I think back to Weasel, and how sweet I thought he was. I thought he was the most romantic guy ever, that I would never know another like him, and I was right. I know someone better.

I love you Ian. This courtship is completely changing everything for me, in the best way possible. I am so happy I want to burst sometimes.

I am just very lost, and still very broken, but do me this favor, and kiss me, like you know you own my heart, because you do.

Cheating On. . .Matt?

Sometimes when I am talking to Ian, I feel as though I am cheating on Matt. Even though I am no longer with Matt, the feelings I have for him sometimes show up in my relationship with Ian.

To make it worse, sometimes I think I am cheating on Ryan. . .

I am thinking about taking a nap. I am not going to, but I am thinking about it. Actually, maybe I will power nap, that would be so swell. . .

Anyway, I hope you are all doing well.

An update on me, I just finished the Order of the Phoenix, and I have to say OH MY GOD. I ordered the sixth off of amazon, and I am about to piss myself in expectation. Secondly, I have not been sleeping well. I awake worrying whether Godiva is ok, or Ian, or Dominic, and then I realize that I am not in Albuquerque. I wake up from nightmares I can't remember and I am barely sleeping any sort of reasonable time at all now just to counteract my oversleeping these past few weeks in a desperate effort to regulate my schedule. I just want to throw in the towel and have a good nap to celebrate. Damn.

Finally, I am really happy with life. I am now dating my bestfriend, and even when him and I argue, I know that I still have my bestfriend on the other end of the phone. Granted, it is my incredibly handsome and ultra romantic bestfriend, but I guess that's why I am the luckiest girl on Earth!

I hope you all have a fabulous day today!

For Matthew

I had once thought that I would walk up the aisle, to be handed off by my dad, into your outstretched and loving arms. I thought that we were meant to be, but I know that when we tell each other that we are engaged to other people, our healed hearts will still ache as we hand an empty congratulations out to one another. I know now that you will never invite me to your wedding because it will be too hard for both of us, at least that is what you told me over the summer. I once thought that I would be the girl in the white dress, now I know that I will not be at your wedding at all. Perhaps it is better I am not there, although you will be invited to my own.

I know in time you and I will be able to simply be friends, maybe we will even be able to forget what once was. Yet I can not imagine forgetting how you and I made love, how you and I laughed and cried together.

You should know that I try to everyday, because there is nothing I can do to change your mind. There is nothing that I would do to change your mind. You were not willing to go the distance, it was not worth it to you, and I forgive that, because you had other goals.

When I close my eyes I can still feel you against my lips, your eyes peering into my soul.

Perhaps I have asked too much of myself recently, trying to get over you, and Ryan, and be there for Ian. I had not reflected on you in a couple of weeks because it was easier to think of you only as another friend, rather than the man who broke my heart. But now I am dying as I think about it. Pigeons, ha!

Finally, I really wish that you and Ian would get along some day. I do not fall in love everyday, and I do not fall in love except with men who really deserve it, yet both of you have managed to steal my heart away. I hope that someday you will be happy for us, and that you and Ian can put all your differences behind you and understand like I have been forced to, that the past is, history. Just grow from it. Don't let it ruin you. Don't let the next girl hurt you like I did. Make sure that you love her with your whole heart, never hold back, and never let her go. You'll be her everything, never take that for granted.

I heard the following song by Savage Garden today, and I just wanted to say, that even though it didn't work out, I will always remember the good times. I love you Mateo, for being Flipper and my friend, and continuing to be there for me now. My phone is always on, if you ever need anything.


"Here I go again I promised myself I wouldn't think of you today
It's been seven months and counting
You've moved on
I still feel exactly the same
It's just the that everywhere I go all the buildings know your name
Like photographs and memories of love
Steel and granite reminders
The city calls your name and I can't move on

Ever since you've been gone
The lights go out the same
The only difference is
You call another name
To your love
To your lover now
To your love
The lover after me

Am I all alone in the universe?
There's no love on these streets
I have given mine away to a world that didn't want it anyway
So this is my new freedom
It's funny I don't remember being chained
But nothing seems to make sense anymore

Without you I'm always twenty minutes late

Ever since you've been gone
The lights go out the same
The only difference is
You call another name
To your love
To your lover now
To your love
The lover after me

And time goes by so slowly
The nights are cold and lonely
I shouldn't be holding on
But I'm still holding on for you

Here I go again
I promised myself I wouldn't think of you today
But I'm standing at your doorway
I'm calling out your name because I can't move on

Ever since you've been gone
The lights go out the same
The only difference is
You call another name
To your love
To your lover now
To your love
The lover after me"

Blogger for Word is Shit

Ok, so my first blog off of word was deleted. I am not sure how I feel about it as of yet, because I have not gotten it to work yet.

I sometimes feel as if I am a prophet. I know what others are going to say, I know what they are thinking, before they utter them aloud in a sad attempt to know themselves. I feel the walls shake with their tears, I can move the world, can change it, all in my restless sleep.

The Exorcism of Emily Rose scared me for two reasons. First, the jurors failed to take ANY notes during a trial in which a man was being tried for murder. That is a crime to itself in this world. Secondly, she was a hypersensitive, meaning she could see the future and thus was more prone to demons. Could this be true?

I have been sleeping more than ever and still I get no rest. I close my eyes and I see horrible things. The haunting of my past, dreams of a child forgotten. I see Matthew, and my heart breaks with love. Yet, I see Ian, and I am whole again. I see a future that is not to be, I see the future as it is. I see the dead. Sometimes I awake, wondering how I am not dead.

I do not want to sleep, do not want to know more, yet feel as if there is a dream I have continually forgotten that I must see again. It is an addiction I cannot break. Now as I sit here beside my bed, I wonder how long it is before I give in to my desires. Even when I do not need to sleep, I count down, measuring out my breaths until they are slow, meditating on the visions that are to come, and I am gone.

I sleep more than half my day away sometimes. I could rise and do other things, but I close my eyes again, and see the things I cannot with my eyes open.

I know it all, this prophesy inside. Yet being a prophet implies that I am some spokesperson, that I have a message, but I do not, I just know the truth. The horrible, awful, addictive, truth that my mind gives me in sleep.

Well, I am being hailed by sleep, but I am not tired. I will speak again when this madness ends.

"Don't wake me, I plan on sleeping in." - The Postal Service

Ian- This is What I Couldn't Say On The Phone

I laugh it off now, because in truth, it is quite funny. I mean, I could not have imagined a more ironic Valentine's Day, but it also scares me.

I used to break up with men, so that they could not break up with me. That way I left them, before they could even consider it, cut them off at the pass.

Then I trusted you, and Valentine's day rolled around. I cried a lot, although I did not do it in front of you.

Months later, I would trust again, to be completely wrecked by Matthew.

Now I wonder when the next time will be. It is not that I do not believe that you love me, I know how much you love me, but the paranoia keeps me awake at night, wondering how many more hours you might love me for.

I think you are going to leave me, and you have given no indication that you are going to. I am sorry, but I cannot help but feel that maybe this suspicion has some sort of legitimacy behind it.

I do not want to hold you in something you do not want to be a part of, I am just scared that I will again have no warning, and be left with no idea what to do from there.

I always hated Valentine's day. It's a damn Hallmark holiday, but I have heard that people who have bad experiences with love are the only one's that hate it. I just don't want to relive last year's Valentine's day. I also don't want to relive my 3rd grade Valentine's either, because I threw up all over myself in the car on my way to school to tell Andre that I liked him, but that is another story.

Wordless Poem - For My Celtic John

I sit staring out this window,
Watching as Apollo's chariot melts into the horizon,
Setting the sky ablaze in a fiery passion,
But my mind is taken by thoughts of you.

Thoughts I cannot seem to put into words-

You are my wordless poem,
Your lips call me without sound,
Your body moves me without a force,
You eyes make me see anew, but never look,
You make me want, yet give everything,
I desire you like the breeze desires moving through the trees,
I thirst for you,

And Yet!
While you speak endless volumes with your grace,
I cannot put these things into words!
You speak to me, and I am a mute!

You are my siren, driving me upon rocks!
For one, no your-
Song,
The same melody your voice carries courageously into the night,
Lulling me to sleep,
Yet I am silent.

You must think me dumb,
Or deaf, but I am neither.
I am speechless,
And all I have left,
Is a beautiful gift of God taken for granted,
As I try and come up with what has become,
A pitiful wordless poem.

May my life show the words I fail to say,
May you know how I feel everyday,
May I never forget the amazing creature you are,
Not for one moment, or-
Ruin me, for I am not worth the wait,
To have dishonored you would be the most unfortunate fate!
May I bring you happiness and joy,
And serve you,
My Lord,
Every hour, of every day,
Until God render me without breath.

God Bless Shew. . .

I always thought I would be too fat to be carried across the threshold by my husband. Now I wonder if I will even marry someone who can walk, or has arms. No longer do I have some set perception of what my future husband will look like or be capable of doing, because to me, love is all that matters. If he could not see, I would strive to be his eyes, if he could not talk, I would be our single voice, if he could not. . . IT WOULD NOT MATTER. Think of what he could! I don't care if my life is never what I was told it should be when I was a little girl, because I could care less. I just want to love and be loved and build a home full of it.

I always figured that I would be the lucky one, and they would just be settling for less if they got involved with me, but now I'd like to hope that he would feel the same about me.

My roommate cheated on her boyfriend last night, and her reason was simply, "I still love Derrick, and if he breaks up with me, oh well. Because even though I love him with my whole heart and it would be a tragedy, our lives would be so much simpler." simpler. I could not imagine leaving another just because it is easier than fighting for love. I will always fight for love.

When we stop fighting for love, we have already lost the war against hatred and sin.

I love Ian. I have been worried about him a lot this week.

I have also realized that there is a very fine line between incredibly romantic and outright creepy. I have been walking that line this week, and I feel badly for Ian because I have stepped over it just a bit.

I haven't talked to Matt since Tuesday, and I realized how much I miss his voice. I just want to talk to him about the Goonies or something. So I guess I will call him today.

Anyway, my final epiphany for this week is that I have started saying "God Bless Shew" instead of "You" and have been doing so since Junior year. Which leads me to my next point,

I want to be Jewish.

Have a good day everyone.

How do you argue with that?

By the end I suppose it wasn't an argument at all. I was just saying, "yeah" and "ok." I wanted us to be ok again. I wanted it to be unbroken. I felt like I was staring down at my Benita cut blanket again. It would never be the same. . . but there it was, still lovable, but not right.

I wanted you to know how I felt, and just before I worked up the nerve, there you were, cutting off my first word to tell me you had to go. I guess I just feared that I thought that we were really important, but that you didn't feel the same way.

When you listed the three things you were sure about, it was such raw truth I did not know how to handle it. Even though you probably would never ask, I thought I might let you know that if I were to make a list of the things I am sure about, it would be as follows:
1. I will be a dentist. I don't know whether that will make me happy or be what I truly want at the end of my life, but I will be one.
2. I love sunsets, fresh air and running.
3. I love my family and friends.
4. I love you. I want to be with you.

You are so important that you are a quarter of the things I want. . .

I guess I just felt so safe with you, but you are unreliable.

I just wish you would have let me say what it is that I wanted to tell you, before you so quickly hung up the phone and left us.

What I was going to tell you is this:
'We may argue, or fight, or hate each other momentarily, but at the end of the day, I know that I love you. I love cuddling with you and feeling safe and every night now I dream about you. I dream about laughing with you, about talking with you, just being physically near you and not several states away. But even if you hurt me, I know that you didn't mean to, and the that you still love me, maybe more than anyone else ever has, and no matter what happens at the doctor's office tomorrow, I will be here.'

I don't know how you feel about me. You are sleeping now, and I am sitting awake wondering what's going to happen to us, or if you will ever really hear me again. And I'm scared.

Why Buy the Cow When You Can Get the Milk For Free?

I had always thought that the saying above was just a wee bit childish, or too folksy to be true. I am not so sure though. Is it possible that if we save ourselves, a man will be more likely to want us to carry their last name? What makes a woman marriable anyway?

Even though I have a bad image of myself, I had always dreamed about being some man's dream girl, the girl who they couldn't wait to marry. Apparently, I am not that girl, two times in a row. Maybe it's because I had always let people come into my family, be part of it, that I had assumed people who cared about me would want to do the same, but it is not true. To me, the perfect guy, and husband, are synonymous, but for others they are not.

Matt really wrecked me when he broke it off with me, but I was not nearly as wrecked as tonight, when I finally understood. "Our lives are headed in two different directions." I get it. I really get it. I am sorry I didn't understand before and I was so angered by it. It was my own pride and greed that wanted to hold you.

And now, I understand my relationship with Ian and I as well. I don't know what to do about it though.

Perhaps my life is not headed in a different direction from Matt's, but from everyone's. With reluctance, I feel my feelings for wanting to be someone else fading.

Nobody wants to father my children, nobody wants to share their last name with me, because I am quite simply, not the marrying type. Therefore I will just enjoy my relationships with others, throw birdseed at happy newlyweds, and allow childish dreams of a white dress to be simply that, dreams.

Yet I still ache. It is easy to say what I will do, all another to follow through with it. My last name is Rivera.

Rivera. Always Rivera.

"Geschenk des Gottes" - The Prickly Pear of My Eye

There you are,
A part of me.
I am your bee,
Wishing only to pollinate you - wishing to enter into you
My parched lips long for the nectar of your tongue,
I am lost, far from the hive, wishing only to rest amongst your folds forever,
You prick me, drawing blood, leaving me for dead,
You don't trust me,
But I want you so badly,
I want your sweet perfume to cover me, to be me,
Your elegance stands out amongst the wanton weeds that surround your base,
Those weeds that try to sap away your water,
Yet they wither in the blazing sun, whilst you bloom,
Your vanity precedes you,
Your unkind manner will be your end,
I wanted to pollinate you, make you live on forever,
But you wanted another bee,
I was not pretty enough for thy own grotesque fetishes,
You want the bee that is more yellow,
But for you we will all look the same,
You will always be wanton,
And I will die, fertilizing the ground from which you grow,
Did you love me?
Did you even hear my buzz?
Alas,
I have failed.
But I will lie here as the day grows dark in my eyes,
And see us together, me in your gentle hold,
Finally part of you, just as you were always
APART
of me.

Our own Forest Gump

Steve Vaught just made it through New Mexico after WALKING from San Diego California since April. Get this, he is going to walk to New York before the end of 2005! This fat guy is the coolest guy ever. Anyway, I think I am going to support his journey and buy a t-shirt. I think it's awesome. Plus, there are some pictures of his injuries, and one of his blisters looks just like mine did after a day of extreme hiking. In other words HUGE. Look up some news on this guy, seriously, you will be entertained, I promise.

Cheerless Trepidation and Woe

My Boyfriend is in the hospital right now. I am really scared for him, and when he talked to me he was seriously worried that he might be dying. I have never heard him that terrified before. Once he thought I was going to die of heat stroke in the mountains but even that did not compare to the worry in his voice tonight.

Ian is my best-friend, I love picking up the phone and seeing a picture of him holding a bikini up to himself at Walmart. I love his laugh, his smug smile, even that annoying face he makes while scrunching it up. His ridiculously smelly boots are awful, I hate those, but I love his feet.

I am kind of too stressed to type right now so I am actually just going to go ahead and finish this, but I have a Backstreet Boys song that describes how I feel about Ian. It's called "How Did I Fall In Love With You."

Remember when, we never needed each other
The best of friends like
Sister and Brother
We understood, we'd never be,
Alone

Those days are gone, and I want so much
The night is long and I need your touch
Don't know what to say
I never meant to feel this way
Don't want to be
Alone tonight

[chorus:]
What can I do, to make it right
Falling so hard so fast this time
What did I say, what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?

I hear your voice
And I start to tremble
Brings back the child that, I resemble

I cannot pretend, that we can still be friends
Don't want to be,
Alone tonight

[chorus:]
What can I do, to make it right
Falling so hard so fast this time
What did I say, what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?

[Bridge:]
Oh I want to say this right
And it has to be tonight
Just need you to know, oh yeah

I don't want to live this life
I don't want to say goodbye
With you I wanna spend
The rest of my life

[chorus:]
What can I do, to make it right
Falling so hard so fast this time
What did I say, what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?

What can I do, to make it right
Falling so hard so fast this time
Everything's changed, we never knew

How did I fall,
in love,
with you?

My Halcyon Lea

Today I manage to cough up coffee all over myself in front of some just acquired friends. It was disgusting, for all involved. I wanted to cry. I mean, I was really getting along with these people when I embarrassed myself, but apparently it is going to be ok. They were really cool about it.

There are a lot of really attractive people here at Creighton, but as my friends checked out every guy that walked by, especially the soccer players, I just listened and nodded. I had no comment. I could not picture falling in love with any of the guys that walked around near me, I could not imagine what it would be like trying to get to know them as well as I do my current boyfriend.

I had a dream about Matthew the other day where I was trying to get him to kiss me, but he wouldn't. I felt the same emotions rise up that had been there when we were dating. I called Ian and apologized, I felt as though I had really been almost cheating on him. I am worried about the holidays when I see Matt again. I know nothing will happen, I would not let it, but I am scared that I would WANT something to happen. Those feelings should not exist, especially since I am in love with someone else. However, I thought Matt and I were going to get married and he left, which I will never understand. I think of the 98 degrees song that is entitled "The Hardest Thing." Ian deserves better than someone half committed to this relationship, and I don't want to imply that this is the case, but I still love Matthew, I will always, and I do not know how to put those feelings on the shelf yet.

I suppose that I must just deal with these feelings as they come and not worry about it until then, but that will be difficult. I am tired of letting my falling for Matthew ruin my life. It was beautiful while it lasted, at least for me.

Now I have something even more special, and I will not leave it for anything. I love Ian. You heard me, I love my best-friend, my number 1, and my family loves him too. I am forever grateful that he feels the same way about me that I do about him. I know that if I ever sprayed coffee on myself in front of him, he would be totally cool with it. He loves me, I love him, and that is the bottom line, here in my halcyon lea.

My Boyfriend Ian, My Brother Dominic, and A Rant About West Point

Ian helped me fix blogger, so you can thank him if you feel so inspired for the wide variety of colors this blog now has, again.

I was talking to my boyfriend tonight and a profound statement stood out in my mind, and I respected him so much more than before. He admitted something that most people would be ashamed of, and he stated it as if it was like saying his hair was brown. I wanted to be like him, and I really wish I could explain how powerful his one statement was.

I am worried about Ian's health, I want that boy to live for a long time, he is my best-friend, my lover, and my pillar of strength. I only hope that I am giving him the same.

Dominic has a great poem up, I mean, truly awesome. When I read it I seriously said aloud, "WOW." Read it on his blog HERE if you want to, because it is fantastic and I am in awe of his talent. I hope to have him sign a copy of one of his works for me someday and be able to tell my friends, "Yeah, that's my brother!"

Finally, Matthew made me really mad tonight. I was talking to him about the sweetest thing Ian did for me which was hide a poem amongst my school papers in my notebook so that I would come upon it later, when Matt responded with "I wrote you a poem once. But you lost it." A little background on the poem Matt for me, I carried it with me everyday until my wallet was stolen and then return lacking one poem and 150 dollars. Believe you me, I really LOST IT when he said that. I hate how he tried to make me feel bad! How can he be so self-centered??? Also, I tried to tell him I was worried about Ian, and again he changed the subject to himself! I hate how self-centered he is! However, that is ok, because he is just self-centered, and some of my other friends are as well, and even I am guilty of that sin sometimes. I will just not expect more out of that friendship than Matthew caring about Matthew.

Well, I would love to leave you on a positive note, so I must say that I am completely and utterly in love. I want to make Ian feel loved not so that others know I am doing it, not so that he is grateful in some way or feels the need to show me how much he loves me back, but just because I want him to wake up every morning and feel my heart crying out to, yearning for his smile and his laugh. When Ian is with me, he will smile, and all the bad experiences of his past will fade like a flash, and both him and I exist, if only for a moment, in complete childlike innocence.

A Person Named Mitch

Mitch is the person you love. Mitch is the person that loves you. Mitch is your other half. I, in no way, was referencing a specific individual in my earlier blog entries except for my own Mitch, which is obviously not going to be your Mitch. I am glad we cleared this up.

My blog won't let me change the font on my computer. It is pretty agravating, I must say. It also will not let my computer spell check my entries. I am highly agravated. Perhaps I will be changing my blog sooner than I thought to a different page run by a different company.

Anyway, I hope you are all having a great day.

Ian, I am sorry I caused you to doubt me. I love you, and I want you to know that.

For Mitch

Artist: Colin Hay Lyrics
Song: I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You Lyrics
A song off of the Garden State Soundtrack

I drink good coffee every morning
Comes from a place that's far away
And when I'm done I feel like talking
Without you here there is less to say
I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy
What is closer to the truth
That if I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
I'm no longer moved to drink strong whisky
'Cause I shook the hand of time and I knew
That if I lived till I could no longer climb my stairs
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
Your face it dances and it haunts me
Your laughter's still ringing in my ears
I still find pieces of your presence here
Even after all these years
But I don't want you thinking I don't get asked to dinner
'Cause I'm here to say that I sometimes do
Even though I may soon feel the touch of love
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
If I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

Five Times With Mitch

His dark eyes peirced my soul and I was lost. All I wanted was to crawl into a hole and forget that I had ever loved anyone at any time. All this time I had wanted someone to come after me, and he had, and he had been waiting for me to want him. We kissed, and it was beautiful.


My weekend has left me changed forever. I want a family, I want to live life, and I want to never forget the lessons Ryan taught me. So I won't. And you shouldn't either.

Take a roll in the hay with Mitch, I swear you will love yourself for it always.