When did you change?

"We will both know when it is over." He said that to me the night we made love in the mountains. The hard part for me is that I do not know it is over.

I held off on telling him that I wanted to kill myself because I was afraid that he would leave me. My phone doesn't ring, he doesn't tell me he loves me, he just lets me fade out. Meanwhile he drinks his life away.

God it hurts, it takes the breath out of me and brings me to tears because he just won't even talk to me anymore. He's cut me out of his life and it letting me go. Just letting me go.

I have about five friends who haven't let me go yet, and they're the only reason I am still breathing right now. I am so sick of the lies.
I am tired of people telling me that they love me and leaving me when I need it the most. God I am sick people telling me that they will call me and saying they won't.

I hate Ian for asking me to marry him when he didn't really mean that he would be there for everything.

I didn't want to tell my best-friend and love of my life that I felt like I had no choice but kill myself, and he left when I needed him the most. That should of been something I could tell him!!!!!!!! Where the fuck is he?

I cry myself to sleep while he forgets what it was like to hold me. I face the mornings in agony of another day while he forgets who he was. He's running and turning into an immature asshole and he can't even see it.

What fucking hurts the most is that I don't really hate him. I try so hard to, but I just fucking love him so much. . and he is killing me.

He could pick up the phone and tell me he loves me. Instead I get, "Yeah I will always wonder what could have been." What could have been?

I loved you. I still love you, and you don't even know I exist anymore.

I hope your new friends make you happy. Seems they give you whatever it is you were looking for. I'm not sure what is so great that you are searching for, but apparently love wasn't enough. That's all I had. I gave you everything I had, every possession every memory, everything that I had, and it wasn't enough.

God I wish you knew how much I love you, because I don't think you even do. All the fights came from my fear that I would lose you, and I was right. You are a coward. You talk of honor and you walked away from the only thing that mattered.

Ian Robert Luders, Ludes, Pookie, Buttons, Pencils, Een, and my dearest friend on the entire planet, I love you with my entire heart, but you are the biggest coward I have ever meant, and that is the most dishonorable thing I could ever imagine being.

Wow

I ended up passed out on a random male friend's bed on Friday night. I woke up and I didn't even know what happened.

Last night a friend saw me topless and said that I was beautiful, those words shouldn't sting but they do.

My brother told me an awful story from our childhood. . . It made me hate my mother just a little bit more. FYI- A water bottle and backwash. . . that's all you need to know.

I'm throwing my life away, yet still fighting for it with everything I have left. I lost everything, and I guess that makes me the scariest soldier. "The man to fear is the man who has nothing to lose."

My insides feel nothing but pain. I just want to feel happy again.

I know Ian may never believe me, but when I said yes it was not a lie. I was not this bad.

Fucking chemical imbalance of the brain, something I can't even fix myself without the one thing I truly hate, prescription meds. It just got out of hand, and I couldn't see that i had a problem till it was too late.

At the same time, I feel upset that Ian was only willing to talk to me through the good times. . .I listened when he sobbed to me at the beginning of the year about drinking, I was there at the hospital, yet he lies and says he'll call when he doesn't. It burns deep.

I am thinking about hurting myself. . . what's new? I just want to feel something, anything, at this point.

Hopefully I won't end up passed out in a random place during this upcoming week. Austen is leaving, I will miss him. We watched the sunrise this morning.

I just hate life, I hate all of this, yet I know that there is something better than where I am. I just wish I could get out of this place. I am praying for it with my entire soul.

Seduction- A Song For the Suitors

Would you love me if I died?
Would you still love me if you felt my pain?
Would you still love me if I tried?
Would you love me in still in vain?

Your passion, not compassion,
Was never hidden by your actions,
Or by your words-
It's all a game to you.

You love me, but I love another,
Is that ok with you? or is it just a bother?. . .
Like all these things you never went through before me.

You try and feel these lips,
But they are poison to your pain,
What can I say?
I hate myself for it just as much as you do.

There's still crack cocaine burning in this night,
The cigarette ash is still on the floor,
Making me feel alright,

I hate the way you make me feel,
Making me forget this world;
God these wounds don't seem to ever heal

With every look, every lie,
Every word you try and pacify-
I smell your spirit,
I smell your hope, your life, your wonder and awe.
I can sense you coming, before you let out a word,
Damn you're so predictable boy,
Just give up, I'm not your type anyway.

Light me up some crack cocaine tonight,
Let the cigarette ash litter the floor,
It makes it all alright.

Keep taking in these syllables-
I know you want to hold me,
But why is that? I know you now,
You wouldn't hold death if you got the chance.

Here I am with Regis,
Begging for my last life line,
I asked the audience,
Phoned a friend,
It's unanimous kid,
Look's like we're out of time.

But there will always be crack cocaine burning in the night,
My cigarette ash on the floor,
Does it feel alright?

I'm sorry that I burned you, but now I have to go
They're lighting up
And it's time to start the show

Crack cocaine. . . burning in my night,
Cigarette ash on the floor,
And finally I feel alright.

Emmanuel Hospital ER

I'm considering going. . . I just feel as though nothing matters anymore and I am really trying so hard.

My counselor, psychiatrist, and doctor are all aghast at the fact that no one at home has really talked to me recently. Jacob won't return my calls. My dad does but we are both too busy to catch each other. Mel hasn't called in quite some time. My brothers are basically ignoring me. But the real kicker for me is Ian.

He had promised to be there for me through thick and thin as my best-friend forever. I have never had a harder time.

Yet, apparently he has not time for me. He has not time to give me a thirty-second phone call even check to see if I am still alive. However, he has been on myspace everyday. He can't even check to see if I am alive. His so-called best-friend. Talk about a shot through the heart. I don't know what to do. I might as well go to the emergency room. . . Because it's not like anyone will miss me.

Barenaked Ladies Making Me Smile

This song is called "Conventioneers" by Barenaked Ladies and it is my dad's favorite song by them, do not ask me why.


You walked into the room
And the whole place stopped to notice
Standing next to you, I feel hopeless and you know this
I’ve never been ashamed of my attraction
I’d be happy if you gave me just a fraction
As we danced, I could see in your eyes
You and me as senior citizens in love

I followed your perfume out away from all the rabble
Right up to your room for a drink and travel scrabble
You, stationed in the warm glow of the t.v.
Too patient as I’m playing l-o-v-e

And we laugh...and we laugh...and we laugh
And we have to or we’ll end up in the bath

Now we’re in the bath, I’m already thinking marriage
I know that in the past it was something I’d disparage
You turned down all the lights, I lit the candles
We rolled around in robes and hotel sandals
Then you slept, and I dressed, and I left
And I guess I’ll see you monday like before

Before all the fireworks exploded
Our conversations were so loaded, innuendo flying
Now what can we say?
Have a nice day
Looks like rain today...

Now I’m in a cab, heading back to my apartment
Everything is drab, and I wish it never started
Now I’ve landed in this awkward situation
How can I just avoid a conversation?
So I wait, come in late. it’d be great
If you transferred out of state

Something off of Myspace. . . A repeat for some

This is something I tacked on myspace, thought it was worth it to transfer it over:

I am so heartbroken right now. I have never cried the way that I have for Ian. It tears my heart out just thinking about it. I know how hard it was to watch as he held Nickie, and I know how terrible it was to know that I could not have him before all of this. . . I love him a billion times more than I did previously, so I know it will be a billion times worse to try and be a good friend to him through this.

I have felt God in little moments with Ian. No one made me feel as loved as he did when we decorated the Christmas tree together. No one made me feel so utterly loved and safe as he did when I was sick over Christmas break. No one made me feel so much at home as he did when I was with him.

Yes, I can live without him. I am literally living proof of that. Yes, I can be happy without him. However, it is like having a cloud that always blocks out a little bit of the sun for me. My world was only fully bright when he was in it. I ache all over because I know how much I love him with every breath I take.

There have been moments where I just bawl my eyes out. There have been nights when I just sob myself to sleep. Last night I tried to drink the memory of him away. I just can't escape it.

I love him. I really do. I just keep praying to God every chance I get that this is not it for him, that this is not it for me. I pray that he finds someone that makes him way happier than I can, and that I find someone who makes me way happier than he can. It would be amazing if those people were simply him and I grown up and older, more mature, different yet similar to the selves of now. It is unlikely and I will not push for it. . .but I will never rule out that possibility.

He is going forward and away from me, and I away from him. I see now that there is no longer a bridge between our worlds and it sucks. Sometimes it hurts so bad that I would do anything to stop it. . . just anything. . .but I don't.

I just keep pushing forward through this broken heart. Yet, if I could do it all over again knowing that the result would still be a broken heart, I would do it, because it was the best thing of my life.

As I walked to biology on Friday I swore that I smelled Ian in the hall. . . I had to step out of public view to have a quick cry. God this is hard.

Please never give up on love. It is amazing. It is worth the risks. I am wrecked by it and I am saying that it is bliss, so be fearless and LOVE. For God's sakes people, LOVE.

Two Small Things

So I talked to Ian as a friend and he told me a "story I think you might enjoy." However, at the end of the story I was completely stunned because it was not a story that I enjoyed in the slightest. In fact, I didn't even understand. It was the opposite of a story I would enjoy.

Secondly, he untagged a picture of him kissing me on facebook. At first I thought that I had failed to tag him, but it turns out that he had untagged himself on it. I then took a quick scan of any other photos that had him and I looking like a couple in them and they too had been untagged by him. It was as if he was trying to erase the entire time we had dated/been engaged by untagging some photos on a stupid website.

Needless to say, I was crushed by the latter. The first one just left me in shock. The thing is, this is the exact same way that he treated me before we became really good friends. It is as if we have traveled back in time and erased any time that we were intimate.

I understand that he needs to do what he needs to do in order to get past this, but some of his actions are just straight up unnecessary and assholish in nature.

I am pissed, sad, and just feeling like I don't deserve this at all. I really don't know what happened to him this past semester, but Ian has changed, and as his so-called best-friend, I don't think it was for the better.

Listening to a fitting song tonight

I am stressed tonight, I don't know what I am going to say or what he is going to say, but I see him tomorrow. I see the love of my life tomorrow, the first time in two months, and I do not know how he feels about me at all anymore.

Meanwhile Itunes plays Kelly Clarkson's 'Where is Your Heart?'
KELLY CLARKSON LYRICS"Where Is Your Heart?"
I don't believe
In the smile that you leave
When you walk away
And say goodbye
Well I don't expect
The world to move underneath me
But for God's sake
Could you try?
I know that you're true to me
You're always there
You say you care
I know that you want to be mine

Where is your heart?
'Cause I don't really feel you
Where is your heart?
What I really want is to believe you
Is it so hard
To give me what I need?
I want your heart to bleed
That's all I'm asking for
Oh, where is your heart?

I don't understand
Your love is so cold
It's always me that's reaching out
For your hand
And I've always dreamed
That love would be effortless
Like a petal fallin' to the ground
A dreamer followin' his dream

Where is your heart?
'Cause I don't really feel you
Where is your heart?
What I really want is to believe you
Is it so hard
To give me what I need?
I want your heart to bleed
And that's all I'm asking for
Oh, where is your heart?

It seems so much is left unsaid
So much is left unsaid
But you can say anything
Oh, anytime you need
Baby, it's just you and me
Oh yeah

I know that you're true to me
You're always there
You say you care
I know that you want to be mine

Where is your heart?
'Cause I don't really feel you
Where is your heart?
What I really want is to believe you
Is it so hard
To give me what I need?
I want your heart to bleed
That's all I'm asking for
Oh yeah

Where is your heart?
'Cause I don't really feel you
Where is your heart?
What I really want is to believe you
Is it so hard
To give me what I need?
I want your heart to bleed
And that's all I'm asking for
Where is your heart?
Where is your heart?
Where is your heart?
Where is your heart?