Have Faith That:

-The grass is green.
-Polka is pretty annoying sometimes.
-Children can be silly.
-Broken hearts can mend.
-Each day is a new start.
-Each kiss is special and unique.
-The road you're on will get you where you want.
-The world is round.
-Spiders are scary.
-Skiing is super cool.
-Dogs are way better than cats.
-Road signs were intended to be stolen, like shot up car doors.
-The sun will rise tomorrow.
-The battle against evil has not yet been lost.
-There are many who will stand in your way, but that you can make it past them.
-You do indeed have a purpose, just as each other human does.
-You can let others in, just as you let me.
-The constants of life with always be there, such as death and conception.
-I will never desert you.
-Something new can be learned everyday.


Have faith that each and every moment of suffering serves a purpose. Such as the pain your lungs give you when you have held your breath for too long. Similar to the air we suffer for, each moment helps us discover our true needs and desires.

Irony

I am listening into your CD and I have many times wanted to tell you something about one of the songs.

Track 11 is you.
(Everything You Want-Vertical Horizon)

every time I hear it, I only think of you. God I wish sometimes things were more in my control, but they are not. Please believe me Ian.

You are my everything, my best-friend, the best guy I'll ever know, and yet. . .


ah life. It's ironic cruelty. I am so sorry.

A New Me

I want my life back.

That is all I kept saying, this entire time. I desired it so deeply that I could taste it in my mouth like vinegar, eating away at my senses and numbing my every move.

I have got it all but my Mother and my horse, but that is to be expected with death.

Now I realize that I was wrong, I do not want any of it back, really. I wanted me back. The me that had no reason to live but miracalously and courageously fought on. I wanted the me that was willing to be different, regardless of what others might say. I wanted the me that watched Carnivale, regardless of the fact that no one else did, and loved the show anyway. I wanted the me back that tried hard and was willing to fail, (quite frankly, did in fact frequently fail). The me that could be a good friend, a listener and was not a whiny sap.

I have that now. I am me again.

I am the same, but different. The oxymoron of my own story.

And I am lost because of it.

The war I was fighting is over, and I find myself on a new battlefeild on a different side than before. I do not even know what I am fighting for anymore, but the battle wages on and I try to keep from cutting myself down before the enemy reaches me.

I am lost, but I have atleast found myself.

The fuzz continues on, but the tears are not coming. I will always be crazy, and I do not care.

Call me what you may, I am at least honest, and I never pretended to be a good person.

A note

dark dark brown is very commanding.

Ian

The start of something new, the me you wanted to see. The stuff that others can see, but will never find because they are incapable of searching for it.

I have not included any of it on my profile, so they will not even know that I have another one.

Try looking for it. It does not exist unless you actually decide to combine dreams, and, lilies to find the blog.

I am happy to have my haven returned. Nobody gets hurt except those that would not walk away to begin with, aka, you.

Not to say messages do not still go out to you from the other, but this is me, more than anyone else will ever know.

I woke up today at three am, my phone was ringing out of place. My first thought, "Ian." It is Matt, trying hard to tell me something but I do not understand. I pull myself further from the dream I was having, the dream I was having about my best-friend. I am instantly impatient with what Matt is telling me, and so after another odd conversation about how worried he is about me, I tell him that we need to talk.

At 7 am I awake again and call Matt. 85 minutes and 14 seconds later I hang up. His choice is West Point, and while he refuses to see it, I know, and I let it go. I am less hurt than I thought I would be.

It is what you want that you can never have.