"Only the Good Die Young" playing in my head

I get the point God, you don't have to rub it in my face. . .

Every time I think I am having the worst day of my life, God shows me that it could be way worse. An example you say? Well January 27th, 2004 is a good one. I thought my life was over. I had not gotten into AP Calculus, and my day was just awful. Then my Mom died.

Yesterday, Matthew finally gave up on us. While I am still heartbroken, God showed me in an outright shout of a voice that I am still on my journey. God is still inside of us all, and he took Ryan home because that is what Ryan deserved, to live in bliss. I am so happy for Ryan.

It is interesting that a death can give me so much joy. However, it is not odd at all when I consider who just passed away. It was Ryan, the most loving and joyful child I have ever met.

I wanted to spend my life with Matthew, but he does not want to go to the effort for us. There is nothing I can do to convince him. I wish others understood that love is the ONLY thing that truly matters in life.

However, I will not be upset at Matthew, it was his choice, his gift given by God to do as he wants, to seek what will make HIM truly happy. And when he finds it, I will be happy for him then.

For now, even though I said that I would not, I will hold my head up high and move on. I must love again, because that is what God's loving hand bore me to do. I am meant to love others, and them me, and I will be married someday.

I do not know to what man but it will happen. I will be happy someday.

For now, I enjoy the sunshine, and think of all the good times I had with Ryan. And as tears run off my face, I smile, because this is life. In the words of Garden State, "I know it hurts. But it's life, and it's real. And sometimes it fucking hurts, but it's life, and it's pretty much all we got."

And now, a song for our dearly beloved Ryan,

Jimmy Eat World - May Angels Lead You In Lyrics

There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go.
I never said thank you for that.
I thought I might get one more chance.

What would you think of me now,
So lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that.
Now I'll never have a chance.

May angels lead you in.
Here you meet my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.

So what would you think of me now,
So lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that.
Now I'll never have a chance.

May angels lead you in.
Here you meet my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.

May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.

And if you were with me tonight,
I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big,
God wouldn't let it live.

May angels lead you in.
Here you meet my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.

May angels lead you in.
Here you meet my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.

May angels lead you in.

I love you Ryan. You will always be my hero.

"I Can't Finish this Conversation Right Now"

You never answered my questions. I don't even know what you are sorry for. I hate that you called today. I am pissed that I let myself pick up the phone, despite the fact that I knew it was you.

I might as well type my questions here, because they are more likely to be answered here than in an actual conversation with you anyway, so here are a few:

Why would you rather talk to someone else about "us" than to me?
Why do you call and not try and actually get us back together, but instead just bring me down?
Why do you expect me to be happy about the boys coming first?
Would I have ever come first?

• First it was your parents/sister.
• Then it was your school.
• In the future it would be your soldiers.

Am I supposed to be ok with that?
Do you even love me?
Why can't you just talk to me?
You made me miss my carnival to talk to you, and you didn't even listen.
You just make me hate you, so why do you keep calling me?

I am done. Please leave me alone. Who the fuck cares if I don't move on, that's my choice. Besides, being single is cool too, it's one of the best vocations a person can have in their life.

Why did you leave? Again?

Why are you such a fucking moron?

Anyway, don't try and ruin my day again, because I am done. I have given you four years of chances, and apparently, you can't "talk to me over the phone."

When the hell else would we talk?

I know these questions will go unanswered, and that's fine because you don't want to give me the closer I deserve in this relationship. So how about this for some non-closer on your end, I hope it burns you every time I kiss someone else. Believe me, I will be kissing others. I will love others, and they will all treat me better than you did.

Depression

I am a lot more mature than most of peers, which normally isn't a problem because I will pretend to care about their superficial bullshit, but tonight is too much.

I have grown up even faster than Matthew. All I wanted was for him to love me, and he couldn't even make up his mind about that.

I will probably spend the rest of my life hating my mother for taking away my only chance to be normal. I will also hate everyone else for not caring about me.

Ian doesn't understand my new life here, which sucks. I keep dreaming about Sean, and I am not sure what that means. I had a wet dream about my roommate (same gender, yes), and I am completely weirded out by it. It is the first gay dream I have ever had despite the fact that I am bysexual.

I hate being alone here. Currently, my roommate just came in, saw me crying and said, "oh, don't cry! Well, I will help you cheer up in the morning because I am kind of drunk right now," and then left!

I hate life. I really do.

I want to die.

Welcome to college nat.

I am completely out of place here, but is not like a stick out like a sore thumb. In fact, I don't stick out at all. Nobody even knows I exist.

I hate this.

Matt said he would be there for me after my Mom died, sometimes I don't even think he really knows what it is like to lose someone that close to you. He cried with me, so why does he act like it never really happened?

I need to move on, but I can't, I won't. I meant it when I said yes, and i don't lie. It was suppossed to work.

What's worse is that I keep writing this goddamn blog hoping, JUST HOPING, that Matthew will be suddenly inspired someday, sit down and read it, and know what I have been through, and love me for it. Instead, he will never read it, never again ask me out, and I will die alone.

Yet I still publish this blog because I will spend every moment until that pitiful death wishing that I could have my love. Wishing that he understood. Wishing he loved me back.

WHY GOD? WHY? WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?

I have nothing to say, except for these two songs. . .

Just the Girl - The Click Five

She's cold and she's cruel but she knows what she's doing
She pushed me in the pool at our last school reunion
She laughs at my dreams but I dream about her laughter
Strange as it seems she's the one I'm after

Cause she's bittersweet
She knocks me off of my feet
And I can't help myself
I don't want anyone else
She's a mystery
She's too much for me
But I keep coming back for more
She's just the girl I'm looking for

She can't keep a secret for more than an hour
She runs on one hundred proof attitude power
And the more she ignores me, the more I adore her
What can I do - I'd do anything for her

Cause she's bittersweet
She knocks me off of my feet
And I can't help myself
I don't want anyone else
She's a mystery
She's too much for me
But I keep coming back for more
She's just the girl I'm looking for

And when she sees it me
On her caller ID
She won't pick up the phone
She'd rather be alone
But I can't give up yet
Cause every word she's every said
Is still ringing in my head
Still ringing in my head

She's cold and she's cruel but she knows what she's doing
Knows just what to say so my whole day is ruined

Cause she's bittersweet
She knocks me off of my feet
And I can't help myself
I don't want anyone else
She's a mystery
She's too much for me
But I keep coming back for more
She's just the girl I'm looking for

Quit Playing Games with My Heart -Backstreet Boys

Even in my heart I see
You're not bein' true to me
Deep within my soul I feel
Nothing's like it used to be
Sometimes I wish I could turn back time
Impossible as it may seem
But I wish I could so bad baby
Quit playin' games with my heart

Chorus
Quit playin' games with my heart
Before you tear us apart
I should've known from the start
Before you got in my heart
I live my life the way
To keep you comin' back to me
Everything I do is for you
So what is it that you can't see
Sometimes I wish I could
Turn back time, impossible as it may seem
But I wish I could so bad
You better quit playin' games with my heart

Chorus

Quit playin' games
Baby, baby the love that we had was so strong
Don't leave me hangin' here forever
Oh baby, baby this is not right, let's stop this tonight

Baby, quit playin' games
Sometimes I wish I could
Turn back time, impossible as it may seem
But I wish I could so bad, baby
Quit playin' games with my heart

Chorus

TO FLIPPER

HEY WEST POINT, YOU WANT ME?

WOO ME. BE ROMANTIC. BE SPONTANEOUS.

BE HONEST. BE MATT-HEW.

LOVE ME WITH YOUR ACTIONS AND WORDS.

Waiting on West Point- The Best Night of My Life (Sk8er Boi playing on my computer. . .)

It started with an average Sunday. The averageness of this Sunday left me feeling mediocre, like I only have cared about the rest of the day, and I have to say that it lived up to what was expected, which was nothing.

The Monday that followed, however, turned into one of the most life changing of experiences of my life. Now, while I have not touched on it before now, I truly intended to tell you about the best night of my life up until now, and how my world abruptly changed because of it.

I was working that Sunday, at good ol' PetsMart. Afterwards, Matthew met me outside and I was firmly set in my decision not to get back together with him. Oh how foolish I was to believe that I could do such things.

In reality, I wanted him to want me, I still want him to want me. He gave me a ring, a simple congratulations for graduation. How glad I was, and secretly disappointed that it was not an engagement ring.

We went to my house and then out for Pizza. While we waited for it to be ready, (all too long I might add), we talked about everything. He told me he loved me, I told him he didn't. It was the way he looked at me, wanted to be with me, that I will never forget. I wanted that time to last forever. We drew on napkins, we laughed, and he kissed me.

A movie followed. Revenge of the Sith. "So this is how liberty dies, to the sound of thunderous applause." I talked to him during it, which was easy considering we were one of the few to fill the seats in that theater Sunday night.

After the movie he drove me home. It was Monday, June 6th, 2005. I could see the light on by my front door. I wanted to run away, never talk to him again, try and forget how much I loved him. Why did he love me now that I was ok? Why wasn't he there when I wasn't?

I questioned his actions. I told him that I was still broken and that we could never be together. He didn't listen. He held me as I cried and told me how much he loved me.

I got out of the car to go, and he didn't let me get away. HE DIDN'T LET ME GET AWAY. I had waited two long years, for him to say it, and then he said that I would never get away. He would always be there. I believed him. I loved him. He loved me.

Then he got down on his knees. I knew it was coming so I stooped down to him, telling him, "no, don't do this, not now!"

He asked if I would marry him.

I needed to say no, what else could I say? Our families didn't approve, he lives in New York and I was about to leave for Omaha, but I said instead, "You are shaking Sweets!"

"That's because I just asked the girl of my dreams to marry me."

I kissed him, and said yes.

It was perfect, because he was there, I was safe, and he was never going to let me go. So no matter what else happens in my life, I know that at one point in time, I was the girl of his dreams. I put all of my faith and hope into that relationship that night, and I will never regret it. While I hurt now for it, it was worth it, if only for the best night of my life. The day when a boy risked everything for me because he loved me that much.

Thanks West Point, if only for that night.

God bless ya'll, I hope we all find what we are looking for in this crazy world.

Weasel From Taylor Ranch

I met the most romantic guy ever yesterday. We're talking, makes girls cry because he so good to them, drop dead gorgeous, one woman type man. And he went to middle school at LBJ! He lived less than ten minutes from me and I just met him yesterday on a bus in Omaha! Too bad I had to go to NE to meet him! He was talking about how he asked his now fiance to marry him, and it made every girls' eyes tear up. It was so sweet!

I hope a guy loves me that much someday!

I am worried about Ian, I hope he doing well. I pray that he will know God's love in these coming days and feel the support he needs from those around him.

Tim is so nice! I love that kid. He is so much fun to talk to. I accidentally kept him up a little bit late yesterday, and I felt bad, but he "enjoyed it," so I guess no harm was really done. I am curious to see where this new friendship will take me.

Matt and I are not talking a whole lot now. It is hard for me, knowing that he is serving to potentially die in a war he may not believe in, but could not fight for the only thing he did, us. Alas, maybe he is not the soldier for me, but some other girly. I just cannot accept that him and I are over, it is really hard. But I must, because he has not come back, he will not, and I must remain strong. No more tears.

I am going to date again. It will be hard, I do not want to cheat someone else by only using them as a rebound, so I am going to take this recovery slow and figure it out on my own before pushing my entire past onto someone else.

Anyway, I have to go shower and go to school. I hope you are all doing well!

At what point does honesty become cruel to the listener?

To My Dearly Beloved Friends,
Ian loves me, and I love Ian. However, the time I have known Ian and the circumstances under which I have known him makes me less likely to want to date him.

I cried to Ian again last night, over Matt. I am still being wrecked continually by the Matt situation.

To be honest, that was not my intention. I had called because I was homesick, but Ian was all too busy to talk to me, which is fine, so I called Matt. I had not even realized that Matt had called/emailed me because I have been so busy, so he thought I was just calling him back, but I was calling him just to talk.

I love Matt and he just does not get it and continues to play with my heart, perhaps unintentionally.

But the question on the table is- Is it cruel to speak of another man to someone who obviously cares about you, despite the fact that you want to be as honest with them as possible?

-Nat

PS. My roommate is awesome, I just thought you should know.

PPS It hurts to breathe because I worked my abs so much this morning.

"Go Make Friends."

So, I have to admit, it was hard when my Dad drove off tonight. I wanted to hang out with him some more, especially since we were finally getting along. My room is sparse. There is practically nothing in it. Which is weird, because I thought for sure I had overpacked. Anyway, I am here in Nebraska at Creighton completely determined not to let this school kick my ass because everyone is counting on my to do well.

No longer will a guy distract me from my work, no longer will minor distractions beat my goal.

A note on my new life. It is really really GREEN here. I am in culture shock with the complete and total lack of hispanic people. I miss my spanish radio, I miss my green chile. Oh well, at least it gives me something to talk about.

I miss Ian and Jacob. They are hanging out tonight, and it was really hard to call and hear them hanging out tonight and having such a great time together.

I am right across from the bathrooms. ::Sigh::

I can see the church from my room. It is beautiful. You know, I really wouldn't mind getting married there.

My dad pulled me over to the big windows down the hall and pointed out across the highway to the dental school and said, "Remember, that's your goal."

Yes Dad, I got it.

I cried on the plane ride over. Silently of course. Looking out the window there were miles upon miles of farm land. Despite having lived in a very vast desert my entire life, I really feel as if I am in the middle of nowhere here.

I am happy, I will never regret this decision, I just have to get used to it.

It is humid here, but that is good it means that I don't need as much lotion. It is cooler here, despite the humidity. People in Walgreens were complaining about how ridiculously hot is was here, and I was like "what?" My dad and I are definitely sweating more, but that's not a big deal. We are sweaters after all. (Wool to be exact. . . yuck yuck yuck).

The above pun is exactly the reason I am sitting in this room alone right now and have yet to make friends.

Anyway, time to hit the hay. The lysoled, fresh sheeted, incredibly different, Nebraskan hay.

Good luck to us all in college.