Pepsi in the Debate Room

I quit the team, which was a hard but good choice.

They lit up the Christmas lights here on campus, so the campus is beautifully sparkling into the night. While I appreciate it and it makes it feel like home, I can only help but cynically think that it is my tuition moneys going to light the pathway of the mall.

I guess that is my attitude on life all the time though. I am pissed that it had to be Ian who has chest problems. Why couldn't it be someone else? I am continually tried by God, asked for patience when I do not have any.

I love Ian, and I will care for him no matter what comes, but I resent the fact that him and I have to face this, instead of some other anonymous teen.

So Matthew gets great, perfect health? So he can go break another heart, while Ian stays loyal and dies?

I am angry, on the verge of tears. It makes me so mad because I do not even feel like I can really put anything of mine of Ian's shoulders, as the days go on, he is able to carry less. When the day comes, will he teach me to ski? Will he be able to?

Will we ever hike again? Hell, we didn't even make it to the foothills to see the city lights. . .

I started running again, but it is not fulfilling me. I go to class and I am an intelligent but average student in the class. I come back and I act like a dumbass for my friends' entertainment. I guess it just gets more empty because nothing has ever really worked out for me in my life, so I expect this to be no different, which is no fault of Ian's. No fault of mine. Just. . . .Life.

I am happy, content, or should be. I am just really mad that, MY mother had to die. That MY newest friend, and love interest had to die. That MY bestfriends have always abandoned me for their West Points, their Seminaries, their public schools.

Everyone tells me this is life, but if so, why do I not see that? Why do MY grades, MY work, take so much more effort than anyone?

Why am I forced, FORCED, to love people who die or leave? I am quickly approaching a deep loathing for God's unhelpful answers to my pleas. I just want to know why.

I want to know why Ian is sick. Why does his chest hurt all the time? Why did it have to be him? Why did God make me love him, only to punish him for me getting close?

Just when I was able to recognize that my Mom's death was not my fault, I begin to doubt that claim. I feel like I am poison. Poison Ivy, seducing others to their death. No, but I am not even clever, I am just a sad pitcher plant. A slow end to others.

Toilet Paper Rash

The toilet paper here at school might as well be sand paper on my ass. I think that actually might be a better choice because then it would only exfoliate instead of tearing a gaping bloody hole near my rectum.

On that note. . . "If Natalie were here, I am sure she would like to say something." I love Dominic Robert Richard Rivera. I cannot wait for him to get confirmed and add a confirmation name to that.

I am thinking of legally changing my name to include Thomas More.

My loft is swell, although I almost took out my roommate via knocking my alarm clock off of it earlier.

I am pretty much just sitting here, procrastinating on my speech and thinking about how much I hate a lot of things.

I am lonely, and homesick, but don't really want to be bothered by anyone, all at the same time.

::sips coffee::

Just one of those days I suppose.

-Nat

For The Small Things; For Ian on the Journey Home

I am coming home in only a few short hours. In fact, I will leaving for the airport in only about an hour and a half. Right now I am totally freaking out in expectation.

I walked to McDonald's with Austen today, I accidently threw away my ID with my trash, so I ended up digging through McDonald's garbage to retrieve it. ::chuckle:: Life, it never gets old.

Anyway, I am so nervously excited right now. I plan to spend the entire flight in anxious prayer and meditation in the hopes I will be prepared to see you, the family, and everyone else.

This song was on my computer when I came back from lunch. I feel it expresses how I feel right now. In fact, how I have felt for a long time. I am more in love with you, Ian, than I have ever been in love with anything or anyone. You make my heart fillled to the brim, you fill my soul with sunshine, you make me whole again.

The Luckiest- Ben Folds
I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here

And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

What if I'd been born fifty years before you
In a house on a street where you lived?
Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike
Would I know?

And in a white sea of eyes
I see one pair that I recognize
And I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you

Next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties
And one day passed away in his sleep
And his wife; she stayed for a couple of days
And passed away

I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belong
That I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

"It's a hard knock life."

Jesus,
I know that you and I frequently do not talk a lot, but I thought that tonight would be the right time to do this. I haven't really been talking to my Mom recently either, because I have just assumed she is safely in your loving arms. I am not sure what you are calling me to do, but can you let her know that I am safe, and happy and in love? Also, I hope to understand what you want from me very soon.

I love you very much Lord. Please grant me your mercy and let me see your plan for me.
Your Daughter,
Natalie LouAnn Thomas More Rivera

Changing Status on Facebook

Ironically, this song was playing on my computer this morning when I started it up.

Hoobastank- Running Away
I don't want you to give it all up
And leave your own life collecting dust
And I don't want you to feel sorry for me
You never gave us a chance to be
And I don't need you to be by my side
To tell me that everything's alright
I just wanted you to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you
So why are you running away?
So why are you running away?
Cause I did enough to show you that I
Was willing to give and sacrifice
And I was the one who was lifting you up
When you thought your life had had enough
And when I get close, you turn away
There's nothing that I can do or say
So now I need you to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you
So why are you running away?
Why are you running away?
Is it me, is it you?
Nothing that I can do
To make you change your mind
Is it me, is it you
Nothing that I can do
Is it a waste of time?
Is it me, is it you?
Nothing that I can do
To make you change your mind
So why are you running away?
Why are you running away?...
What is it I've got to say...
So why are you running away?...
To make you admit you're afraid...
Why are you running away?

Red Wedding Dress

I feel as if you are using my love for you against me. This whole thing is tearing me up inside, and i cannot believe you told me after I asked you not to.

I don't think we should date anymore, I am really wrecked, and you only continue to hurt me with your lies.

However, I am also really tired right now. Maybe things will be brighter in the morning, maybe not. I don't know yet.

The Worst Thing

"Just when you think you understand life, it rips it out from under you, cripples you." -Ian Luders


I am totally in love, but cannot have the person I love. I know that we talk all the time, but it stings every time you miss the rain here, every time I turn to tell you something and you are a thousand miles away.

It hurts worse than anything. I have delt with my entire life alone. Just when I find someone to share it with, to understand it with, I can't be with them. Cruel Irony.

Fuck Dentistry.

That's all I have to say.

Middle Naming You - (for the love of my life as he sleeps tonight)

I drink in your words-
Like raspberry on my tongue

Tart sometimes, yet sweet, can't get enough
Eat too much, know that I will pay for this-

endless consumption of you.
You are too much, yet I can never get enough!

Eventually sick, or No?
Guess you are more like a food I do not know at all.

But I eat you everyday,
Take you in

Consume you every way I can
Eat you up

Sweet, sour, you fill my senses
Make me crazy

What Garden of Eden did you exist in before?
I am filled with you,

Yet you make me yearn for you,
But my stomach never reaches its peak,

Just sweet bliss
Ever in my senses

Tastes of nectar, wine,
And well, honey. . .

I love you.