Cheating

I picked up the phone yesterday and a voice came over it through the other end. The only thought that ran through me in that terrible horrific instance was, "YOU ARE STILL IN LOVE WITH HIM." I have been kicking myself over it for nearly 24 hours now. I feel unfaithful to Ian on so many levels sometimes, yet I have never actually done anything that would constitute cheating towards him.

On that note, here is a song I wrote for Ian about a month ago. It's called "Stones"

I wrote a song today,
Had you as my melody,
Singing your sweet chorus out to me-

I saw a photograph,
Of us long before,
Long before you ever thought
That you might truly love

It reminded me,
Of that time
we tossed stones
Into the river~

Well, why did you?
Oh, why did you have to go?

Oh, oh.

I knew you then,
Better than you knew yourself,
But you knew someone else-

Oh why did you go?
Why did you have to leave me?
Why did you have to go and run away?

I loved you more,
Than you loved yourself,
But you never loved you,
‘cause you loved someone else!

I took the photograph,
Out of the frame today,
The picture is unclear,
So I just I just threw it away.

Don’t remember that,
Day we threw stones into the river,
Don’t have the picture anymore.

And I ask myself,
Why did I have to go?
Why did I have to leave?
Why did have to go. . .
and
run away?
Run away.
Run away.
Yes, Run away!

Can’t remember that,
Day we threw stones into the river,
I think I lost the picture,
Yesterday.

Testing out Blogger.

Blogger works again on Mozilla! I am just testing out the new internet and VERY happy to have it back. Anywho, I love you all!

A Poem for No One

The miles stretch out between us,
The map we are on,
Expands to show it all,
The scale proportions become more ridiculous-
As we get further apart.
Sometimes it grows,
Like a continent shattering
as the Earth rips
itself
ap art-

Do you feel it?
The world trembles in its desperation to separate us.
In those moments,
I am myself again.
Just myself.
Instead of
Us.
Because we. . .
We ached,
We were sick
(Oh, so sick!)
I can still smell the sterile hospital,
See the gown that revealed your hairy, shivering, and frightened legs.

I cannot forget the low canyons we laid in together,
Always unable to climb out,
Staring at the stars
we could cry together,
lie together,
and hoped to die together.
We would be there, at the bottom
Staring up into that ignorant sky,
Watching the stars,
Awaiting a ride on a shooting,
Nay, blazing!
Beautiful savior we both just knew would arrive.

Then it did.
And it deposited us so far from each other.
We hitched a ride on a star that took us from the deathly darkness we had breathed in for years!
When the sun hit my face,
I was blinded,
I do not even think I ever saw your face through the darkness,
Yet I knew you once.

When my new friends look at me,
They see the high head,
Inner pride,
A life that burns with stubbornness,
Hope.

Sometimes at night,
I feel these miles begin to stretch between us again,
I wonder if you are in the light finally,
Or if you lost your life to give me mine.

I do not wish to be back there,
I know that I am better without you,
But Hell with a friend is always better than a Heaven with no one you know.

I stare back up at the lonely sky,
And a cold salty drop falls from my eye,
For a moment I let myself believe that you are there,
Right beside me,
Then I turn, and the miles
They stretch out between us.

Mr. Mom

I desired to be the stay at home parent when I was older because I wanted to be able to rely on someone else to support the family financially. In many ways, I did not want the responsibility of bringing home the bacon singularly because it would have been nice to have been able to rely on someone else to do that instead.

I guess a part of me just wants to go back to being a kid again. 5 years old, no cares in the world except trying not to upset my older brother Alex. Never again will that be an option.

I feel my Dad's eyes on the back of my head as I study, awaiting my arrival at what will eventually be our office. I know that I will have to come home from work and regain my patience in order be there for my kids, the same way my father probably did everyday to face the family. I often wonder how my father did it, since I cannot remember him having an escape from his duties. Even when on vacation, there is a patient of my Dad's, running up to say hi to him. While he enjoys the recognition, I am sure that he wishes he could just step away from it as well.

I worry that I am only doing it for the money now. As Geneva Luders said, "Money is great because it provides opportunity." Perhaps I am just more interested in the opportunities that I may one day gain for my family, than the opportunities I am sacrificing for myself.

Never will I be free to live life for the moment. How can it be that society has made me already look forward to the lazy days of retirement? I am 19, and already I want to be free from my future responsibilities.

I know that I will most likely be married to a Mr. Mom, and this has many negative and positive qualities about it. I just do not know why I am so motivated to get somewhere I am not sure I ever wanted to be, Carpul tunnel syndrome, highest suicide rate, a practically cubicle atmosphere working on something the size of an apple, why the fuck does that appeal to anyone?

I just want to be free of this cross, yet I know that I have been given to those around me to serve. More and more I feel that I am not my own, but God's servant, something I am not even sure Ian believes me on. I fear that he does not understand the need I feel inside of me to make others happy.

I am just struggling right now, and the most important thing to me above all, is not repeating Christmas, and not pulling Ian back into the pit. I must climb out myself this time, and stay out.

Volume at 23 on the Car Radio (A reflection on my recent trip home)

This post is currently being hand written on the back of a plane itinerary on board a flight from Denver to Omaha, to be typed up later.

My first comment is quite a simple statement, and that is that New Mexican food is unlike anything else. I love it.

Secondly, I really loved playing Mario Party with Dominic this week. I will be recruiting him shortly as well as kellen, Ian, and Jimmy for some Tuesday night Wizard card playing online. Dominic has grown up a lot in the time since I first left for school. Perhaps we both did. However, I do have to agree with Ben in that Dominic and I bring out the worst in each other. When I dropped Dominic off to go camping, I was so sad. I really wanted to play Nintendo later that night, but I didn't have my buddy to do it with.

In regards to Ben, I must remember to support him more in the future. He has grown into a creative and beautiful spirit that is independent and mature beyond his years yet remains somehow not nearly as jaded as I was by then. I admire his aged yet pure soul and intellect. It is oly in a blog that I know he will not read that I am able to speak of him so openly and highly with nor regard for upsetting his modesty.

I talked to Matt this week, ::sigh:: I miss him. I miss the good times we had together. I miss the Pop-Pops crew. While many cannot understand why I talk to him still despite how much it sometimes injures me, he will always will be one of my bestfriends. He will always be tight with me.

In regards to my Father, nay, all adults, I have finally become one of them! I love conversing with my parents, others parents, and I love not having to explain myself.

I am really happy with my relationship with Ian. We endured some serious "arguments" while I was in NM, but the reason I put them in quotations is because we didn't really fight, but it could have been really ugly. Further, I realize that he is my other half. I no longer desire to be with him, because I have accomplished that. Instead, I know that I am with him, and he with I, so now I strive to be a positive attribute to his life. I want my eternity with him to be beautiful. I figured I would never ski again, but I want to, just to know what he loves so much. I want to be there with him as he graduates. I want to smile at him from the hospital bed as we bring our future children into the world together. I am so happy with that relationship it is ridiculous. I guess I already said that.

Most of what I learned in New Mexico will take more time to put into a blog, except that I love New Mexico. It is where I want to call home, for the rest of my life. It is beautiful, serene, and comforting in an exciting and Hispanic way. It was nice not to be the only one who loved green Chile. Anyway, I suppose that will do for now. Until the next time,
Buenos dias mis amigos. Vaya con Dios.

The only blog this week- And probably Next

I am going back to Albuquerque, and i am really excited about it. Probably won't get to talk a lot until i am back in town. I hope you are all doing well!

Yellow Roses

I am sitting near a dozen of the most beautiful roses I have ever seen in my life, and I am completely won over by them. They are from my lover, the man who has stolen my heart away, Ian Luders.

This time here, despite the many friends I have made and continue to build relationships with, seems to be just that, time here. I am just spending time waiting to go back home, which now I do not know where it is. It is with Ian. I know that.

I would live in a tepee if he wanted. I would live in Socorro. I would live in Alaska, but I would definitely ship myself some green chile. I want to live wherever with him.

"Don't forget to stop and smell the roses." Well let me tell you, they are sweet. And as I hug my jacket around myself and head out into the frosty morning, I know that I am loved, and that he is loved as well.

Never was there a partnership, a friendship as that of me and my friend Ian.

I love you Pookie.

Sometimes, it would be cooler to be a monkey.

I have been been reflecting on it today and I just feel awful. It's my birthday, and I am very excited about it, but one of my friends and I looked at each other here on campus, and we realized that we were attracted to each other. There was an awkward moment, and then he said, "Well have a good birthday." And I said, "Yeah, you have a good day too." Then we hugged and headed in opposite directions when in actuality I should have been heading in the same direction that he was, but I didn't want to walk with him.

He has a girlfriend, and while I found him attractive, it wasn't like I wanted to get involved with them. But now things are just going to be awkward. Neither of us did anything wrong, just human feelings I suppose.

Anyway, my birthday today has been awesome! I just was listening to Gollum's song, so I included the lyrics.



Gollum's Song
Where once was light
Now darkness falls
Where once was love
Love is no more
Don't say goodbye
Don't say I didn't try

These tears we cry
Are falling rain
For all the lies you told us
The hurt, the blame!
And we will weep to be so alone
We are lost
We can never go home

So in the end
I'll be what I will be
No loyal friend
Was ever there for me

Now we say goodbye
We say you didn't try

These tears you cry
Have come too late
Take back the lies
The hurt, the blame!

And you will weep
When you face the end alone
You are lost
You can never go home
You are lost
You can never go home

Would you love me if I was crazy?

I am crazy, completely, always have been.

I'm different, not the same, the one that doesn't belong. I'm ok with that. I am tired of facing judgment, of dealing with other people's judgment.

I mean, do they know what it is really like to eat an orange? Do they know that grass is oh so much greener when you lay in it? That leaves have to be pulled off trees and ripped to shreds? That music can take you a million miles away, that a book can make you anybody?

I am crazy, I really am. I want to do crazy things, I want to hike Everest. I want to see the world from a thousand feet under the ocean, I want to know what someone has never known before.

I want to be different. I want to be special.

But would you still love me? I know that your answer is yes, but then I worry, do you only love because I am crazy? Would you love me if I was like everyone else?

I just don't know anymore, these answers. I don't know myself. I am lost in thought, in work, in study. I am lost in love.

Would you love me if I was a vampire? If I took other people's lives so that I could survive? Would you love me if I was crazy?

Would you trust me, if I asked you to jump off a cliff with me?

I want to be free. I want to stop these painful visions, but yet I know that they hold the answer. I am crazy I know, which is why I turned off the comments to this particular post, because I don't want to know what you have to say about it.

shhh, don't tell me. I'm crazy.