33% on my Chem Test

I failed my test on friday. I had studied really hard all week, but when I sat down to take the test my mind went blank. I could not remember how to solve the problems, what the charge was of some common ions, anything.

My professor talked to me today and told me that I should seek counseling for help with my personal issues. He also told me that he has seen adults crack under circumstances such as mine, and that he didn't want to see me hurt myself because he cares about me.

I just wish the pain would stop. Ian did nothing but improve my grades when I was with him. He was my motivation, and when things were good with him I used to be able to breeze through the tests so that I could talk to him again.

I failed this test worse than I have failed any test ever before. I let my life get out of control and now I am really suffering the consequences. I probably won't blog anymore this week, so if you want to talk to me, I assume you all know my telephone number and if not you at least know my AIM.

I just finished watching Armaggedon. . . .thinking about Ian again.

This song brought tears to my eyes tonight. Ian was truly a sweetie to me. As my heart breaks I send out a prayer that he is happy, or will be soon. Ian used to sing it to me when I couldn't sleep. I miss him. I love him.

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you’re far away dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure

Don’t want to close my eyes
I don’t want to fall asleep
Cause I’d miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I’d still miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing
Lying close to you feeling your heart beating
And I’m wondering what you’re dreaming
Wondering if it’s me you’re seeing
Then I kiss your eyes
And thank God we’re together
I just want to stay with you in this moment forever
Forever and ever

Don’t want to close my eyes
I don’t want to fall asleep
Cause I’d miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I’d still miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing

I don’t want to miss one smile
I don’t want to miss one kiss
I just want to be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just want to hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And just stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time

Don’t want to close my eyes
I don’t want to fall asleep
Cause I’d miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I’d still miss you baby
And I don’t want to miss a thing

Don’t want to close my eyes
I don’t want to fall asleep
I don’t want to miss a thing

"Give me a good drink, a good woman, and a good mountain." -Ian's Profile

What is there to say as I blink back tears except that I love Ian? I do, I love him.

I had him. He was mine. I was his. . . and now I. . .

I just love him and I really hurt right now.

Every other time I have hurt in the last two years Ian has been there to give me a hug or comfort me, and I have never hurt this bad before. Maybe that's why it hurts so bad, because I cannot even talk to him about anything. I am just shut out. . .

I hope he is happy, I really in truly hope he is. I'm not, I'm not at all. And now I am crying.

I just love him.

I need to make a Ian-tine patch or Ian-nette gum

I was talking to Melinda today and I finally understood that I had a problem. I had been obsessive, oppressive, and jealous to Ian in our relationship. He was right, it had not been healthy. I was practically in a state of addiction when it came to him. It was never enough, I needed attention from him all the time, and I would get upset and hurt when I did not have it.

This week has been very hard without him for me. I feel like when I quit alcohol, or cigarettes, and I am passing the three day hump, (even though it is basically a week now).

I was really afraid of losing him. I was really stupid about it. I hope in the future I can show him that I am fine by myself and that he would be an asset to my life, and that I could be one to his. I really hurt him, and I hate myself for it.

He was right, it's not the same. This time I got it. I have a problem and there is nothing that I can do but work on it so that in the future I will not hurt the people I love with it again.

What? You think I'm cool!

I am hurting a lot less now than earlier today after the phone call. I miss him, I really do. I wish I could be with him, but obviously it is not mutual. I cannot live my life wishing for something that did not work to work, that would be insane.

I was really happy with him though. I had never smiled so much in my entire life. He really just filled my soul with sunshine, made me feel God's love and power in everything, made my world beautiful.

He thought I was beautiful and for a moment, he made me think it too. I felt completely safe with him.

It sucks that everything went so rotten. It really sucks.

Kellen was talking to me on Saturday and said that you cannot really understand love until you feel the pain of it. Now I understand that love is not a power I can control.

I want control back because now all that love does is hurt me, but I am glad that love did hurt me, because it also gave me the best feelings I have ever had.

Coming back from Omaha every time all I could think about was him. From Labor day to right before Christmas with him sitting beside me. I walked on air!

It made me feel like maybe I had gotten something right. For the first time, life was giving me a chance. So ironically I blew it. Bravo to me.

I am going to get Malachai and I am going to be happy. I just looked up the name "Malachai" and it means, 'my messenger, my angel.' I need my dog, and I need it to be my best-friend and I will be its best-friend. I swear my life on it. Perhaps for now my Malachai will be Chewie at a house somewhere near UNM. Perhaps it will be here. . . One year from now. Who knows, but I am not waiting for anyone. I will die for my dog, because dogs make me smile. If they do no other thing besides eat, sleep, and poop, dogs make me smile, and that is enough for me.

People here tell me that they will miss me. So I gave them some advice a good friend once told me, "enjoy the now." It is truly some of the best-advice I have ever been given. I enjoyed my time with Ian to the fullest, and even though it ended romantically, I got the most I possibly could out of that situation.

I got a lot of love, a lot of hope, a lot of friendship, and a lot of happiness. Yes, I also got a lot of heartbreak, but that too will pass. My love for him will not.

As I head to bed tonight I cannot help but think if Ian is truly happy now. On facebook (damn facebook, it is the devil) Ian's most recent pictures are only of him drinking. I want him to be happy. I just hope he doesn't lose himself to the bottle, and without being too egotistical, I hope he doesn't do so on my account. I am not worth that.

I feel like a terrible person again because I hurt him. I never meant to. I guess I will start all over. I feel like a child with a crush for a boy who doesn't know I like him, it is sad, pathetic, and hopeless, but there is nothing I can do, nothing I can ever do, cept keep it to myself, breathe, and hope tomorrow is better.

Talked to Ian

So I called Ian to help me with a paper because it was on Betta fish and I knew that he was the only person on the planet I knew personally who could help me find sources. It did not make the call any easier. When I called I was so nervous to talk to him I thought I was going to throw up.

We talked for a little while about life and it was so hard to just be his friend and not tell him how much my heart was breaking. When I hung up the phone, I just sobbed for about ten minutes.

I will always be his friend. It will always be the hardest thing for me to just be his friend. I have never loved this intensely before.

I get nauseous just thinking about him dating someone else. He's my buttons. . . only not anymore.

I went and got a hug from Robyn after that and went outside to try and help the immense wound I had just poured salt on with that conversation with Ian.

He told me that he had been reading my blog. I don't know if that means I should not write how I feel or if I should. I don't want him to feel badly for me being in pain, but I don't want to keep him out.

Mostly it just seems unfair. . .he still knows what goes on in my life but I have no idea what is going on in his. I just hurt because I love him.

I am reminded of that scene in Bruce Almighty where Jennifer Aniston is pleading with God to help her to stop loving him. I am nearly to that point. I just wanted/want to be with him, and I screwed things all up. Now I just have to sit back and wait to see if he ever decides that he wants to be with me as more than a friend. I feel like I am dying. . .like someone has stabbed me and I cannot heal but I cannot die, I can only suffer.

I just love him.

What's worse is that all of my friends cannot understand why we are not together. When I explain they just respond with, "you two were perfect for each other!"

My family says the same thing. Hell, HIS family said the same thing.

It seems that the only person who is not saying it is the only one that matters. I love him, I really do. I want to be with him forever. I am so mad at myself for everything that happened that screwed up my chance.

For now, I am really praying for strength so that I can be the friend he deserves when he sees me instead of dissolving into tears like today. I am also praying that he won't forget me when it comes to his list of friends and will call me if he ever needs anything.

I am off to go cry some more, have a good night.

Out on the town

I got out of my room today and out on the town tonight. It felt really good to be off campus, but at the same time all I could do was carry my dead broken heart.

As we walked out of the movie theater tonight, Rascall Flatts "God Bless the Broken Road" was playing. I remember Ian and I dancing to it one night at my house last semester. The thing is, even if we don't ever work out and even if I have to carry my broken heart with me until I die, it will have been worth it for those few short times when I saw him and it made him happy to be with me. I will miss snuggling, kissing, holding, touching, and mostly talking, but I am just glad I got him for a little while.

I hurt. Yes, I hurt terribly, beyond anything I thought was humanly possible. It hurts to breathe or live, yet I am, and I am gladly doing so.

Perhaps Ian will call me and suddenly decide that he is willing to take another risk on us. More likely, he will never make that call and will only call on me as a friend, and I will be here for him.

Maybe we aren't the best for each other, but God I love him, and I just pray he finds what is the best for him. I really do want him to be happy.

Ian, if you are reading this, this song goes out to you tonight. I hope that your broken road leads you to whomever is going to make you smile everyday. I love you. I wish you only the best on your journey.

Rascal Flatts - Bless The Broken Road Lyrics
I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true
Every long lost dream lead me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

What Really Makes Me Happy

I was thinking a lot last night and I trying to really figure out what I am going to do with my life in the next six months.

So after not sleeping a whole lot and just feeling this heartbreaking pain and loneliness, I have begun a list of things that make me happy.

1. My dogs- I miss Chewie, Pibb, and Godiva
2. My horse
3. Seeing Ian smile even if it is not caused by me
4. Sunsets and Sunrises
5. Doing something that I didn't think I could do originally
6. Being physically fit (or more so than I have been before)
7. Talking, a lot, to anyone who will listen, especially to people who are close to me.
8. Christmas Eve
9. Driving
10. Making love
11. New Mexico
12. Having dorky, childlike, good clean fun.
13. Having dreams about my Mom or people I cannot be with because then I get them for a little while.
14. Snuggling up next to my Dad
15. Playing games with Dominic
16. Talking online to my family
17. Making others laugh
18. Babies and children
19. It to be quiet ONLY when I am trying to get to sleep
20. Dancing, if only in my room alone

I'm not sure if I am staying at Creighton. . . but I am not sure where I am going either. Call me if you feel like you want more information about it.

What came first, the chicken, or the egg?

I really lost control yesterday. I had never really lost control, but everything I had been working for or wanted no longer mattered and I didn't know what to do with my career, my future, the next two minutes. I just lost it. Completely. Then I called my Dad and talked to him about it.

"I don't know which came first Natalie: You being crazy and scaring Ian away, or Ian broke up with you, which drove you crazy?"

I think it might be the first one though, with a dash of the second one. I really do love Ian and it has been impossible to live a life I was unsure of before, and now that I am completely unsupported in it. . . Love just isn't enough.

My love or want for dentistry is not enough to keep me in the cold and foggy Nebraskan air one more day, but I will because I need to finish out the semester.

I had never really seen my entire life be flipped upside down and pulled out from underneath me and I am still having random stress/panic attacks even now, but I think it is a good thing. If nothing else, I get to start from the bottom and work up.

Ian is right, I did never listen. Something else he has said, and my roommates now agree, is that I need help. I need professional help. I am crazy, but knowing I am crazy means I am not crazy. . . I just have issues. . . right?

I cannot sleep, I cannot eat, I cannot do anything because I am so stressed out with everything right now. The most frightening thing I have to face, however, is being alone all weekend. I am more of a danger to myself than anyone else.

I really did want to make it work with Ian, and I still would like the chance in the future. However, sense I do not have the chance now, I am going to take this time and get better once and for all.

Then I am going to go to school and be whatever will make me happy. Not because of income, not because of outside pressure, just to be happy.
I think that only once I figure myself out will I be able to be truly loved and love other people.

I get it, ok. Two fiances, 8 months, both saying the same thing when they broke up with me. Obviously I haven't changed, and I really really need to.

-Crazy Ass Girl

Ian

It is true that my relationship with Ian may be completely over.

It is also true that I should not have called him today, but I do not regret my decision to do so even though it was a bad decision. I would have never understood what I was doing to him because I was dense and failed to listen when I should have.

If it is over, then I will just work to be the friend he needs me to be because I love him and he deserves a supportive and good friend.

However, I do not believe it is over because I love him and he loves me and even though our relationship is different than how it was previously, I think that it can still work if we both try for it. I cannot make him try, and I will not force him to, but I will try on my end to make things work and I will have to see what happens.

I pledge all of the above and swear by them on this day until the day I die.

Also, please disregard my pathetic, completely unhelpful, selfish, and dissoriented previous blog entries from the last two weeks. I would take them down, but then I might forget all the things i have done to him.

Date Night

Last night it was easy to let him go. I have to let him go.

"If you let a bird go and returns then it is yours. If you let a bird go and it does not return, it was never yours to begin with."

I cannot stop crying. It is terrible knowing that me talking to Ian only hurts him. Further, it tears me up completely that he has nothing to do today and he will not call. I cannot sleep, I cannot eat, I just feel ill (probably because I am also sick and have really bad allergies), but my life is just completely at a stand still.

I know he loves me. I know he knows I love him.

It is the hardest to not have those you love. I just wish he would call, I feel really sick and it is really hard not being able to tell my best-friend about my sore throat and my terrible day.

And it's date night. I have a lot of things to study, but no matter what I study I will not be able to get my mind off of the fact that my phone is fully charged and is not ringing.

I miss him.

I am also scared of when I do talk to him what I should say. There is a lot of pressure put on one conversation that way. If I fuck it up then . . . my whole life will be different for the worse.

I hope he calls, but I will understand when he doesn't, logically. My heart as it is breaking will never understand this hurt and loneliness.

I hope he calls soon.

I just want to talk to him, about skiing or life, or liberty, the pursuit of happiness. I will talk about anything at this point basically.

I just hope he calls. Why wouldn't he call his best-friend? Unless I am no longer his best-friend.. . ::tear::


I just hope he calls. It kills me that my best-friend won't return my calls or talk to me. Basically it sucks.

Maybe for Christmas in July? (I can only hope. . . )

All I want for Christmas is You- Mariah Carey
I don't want a lot for Christmas
There's just one thing I need
I don't care about presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true...
All I want for Christmas
Is you...

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don't care about presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I don't need to hang my stocking
There upon the fireplace
Santa Claus won't make me happy
With a toy on Christmas day
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you...
You baby

I won't ask for much this Christmas
I won't even wish for snow
I'm just gonna keep on waiting
Underneath the mistletoe
I won't make a list and send it
To the North Pole for Saint Nick
I won't even stay awake to
Hear those magic reindeer click
'Cause I just want you here tonight
Holding on to me so tight
What more can I do
Baby all I want for Christmas is you
You...

All the lights are shining
So brightly everywhere
And the sound of children's
Laughter fills the air
And everyone is singing
I hear those sleigh bells ringing
Santa won't you bring me the one I really need -
won't you please bring my baby to me...

Oh I don't want a lot for Christmas
This is all I'm asking for
I just want to see baby
Standing right outside my door
Oh I just want him for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
Baby all I want for Christmas is
You...

All I want for Christmas is you baby...

I Am Pretty Lost Right Now

I cannot sleep. My stomach feels hungry and then when I eat it does not feel full or good.

I popped the "d" key off of my keyboard, so I have to go get it fixed sometime this week.

If my life were a movie it would be something like this:

Natalie walks up Creighton mall, pulls coat tightly around her. Cue an Alicia Keys tragic song. Nat keeps walking, breath is visible. Cuts to shots of her and Ian during better times, laughing, throwing pillows at each other, running and hugging. Cuts back to a close up on Natalie's face that shows a single tear running down her cheek. She enters Kiewit Hall and stops by lobby tv where Olympic skiing is on. More shots of Ian giving her a kiss, her and him petting a dog, her clasping her hands together while she says "PUUUUUleeeeeeeeeeesee?" and him agreeing to whatever it is. Splice with shots of Natalie in a car at night, street lights show glimpses of her staring out a window with an empty look in her eye and some slow motion shots. Finish with a shot of Natalie's shoulders and head in shower. . .weeping uncontrollably. Song ends. . .fade to black.

I am just so lost and I keep hoping that he is happy and not suffering like I am. I know that if we don't get back together I will probably never forgive myself and I will definitely never get over him.

I just ache and there is nothing that anyone or anything can do about it. . . as I stare at my phone.

I am pathetic.

But at least my room is clean!
-Nat

Douglas and Dodge Streets

Ian and I are finally through.

I think.

I keep hoping he will call and I probably won't even really be able to understand him being gone for a long time. I will wake up thinking about how I feel about him and want to pick up the phone and just before I do I will realize that he is probably dating someone else.

I went to BKing with Priya and Derrick tonight. I tried to eat away my feelings, it didn't work. Regardless, we were driving back and Derrick took a weird route with all these one way streets. Priya asked, "Where are we?" And all I could think was how fitting it was. Are Ian and I one separate and parallel one way streets headed in opposite directions, or am I just supposed to wait and see if he comes to me? Am I supposed to get to him?

I don't know if he still wants me at all, I don't know if he is hoping or thinking anything that I am. I don't know if his heart is aching or if he is crying and there is nothing I can do because he stopped answering his phone. He stopped answering his phone.

He,
stopped answering his phone.

That is what he does for people he hates or is mad at, and I just made the list.

He will see my number and not pick up like he does with his sister, father, mother, or anyone that wasn't me before.

I have never been so alone. He knew me completely, even when I didn't know myself. And he is gone.

I really don't know what to do except try and get on with life. Eat. Drink. Breathe. I guess that is the best plan I have right now.

The best plan I have while Sublime's "Love is what I got" comes on my computer and makes me cry.

I know Ian would have some good advice at a time like this.

I am so empty. I have written a lot of lonely and broken hearted blog entries in my day, but this has just topped my list.

He hung up on me, and stopped answering his phone. It's all I can think about as I hear Ludacris in my head, "Hey this is Ludacris, and they can't come to the phone right now. . . "

I can't even bring myself to take the ring off my finger. I don't know what to do.

Having No One

I sleep to avoid the fact that there is noone to talk to, but right now I am supposed to write a paper and I cannot ignore the fact that I have noone.

I do not know what to do, I am tired, scared, and so very alone.

The Great Failed Experiment

It is at least the second time he has been drunk and hasn't called me. I am laying here, wondering what to do with my entire life and he hasn't called. So I pick up the phone and call him. He is about to go to bed.

He used to call drunk and tell me he loved me. Tell me he couldn't live without me, now he drinks to forget me. ("A drunk mouth says what a sober mind thinks.") When I am drunk, all I can think about his him and when I can speak to him again. It drives me crazy, making me just want to sober up and erase my drunkenness because I have missed out on Ian. The feeling is not mutual, but (what can I say?), we are two very different people.

I can hear it in his voice when he says he loves me, that he too is doubting it with every second that goes by. Every time he tells me he loves me, it just burns because I feel as though it is no longer true. It's like hearing the worst lie imaginable.

I can appreciate him wanting to be there for his family. Yet, even though he said I was, I am not yet part of it.

I think he has a lot of stuff he needs to do in his life that does not involve me. Perhaps it is time I stopped holding him back and let him go do it.

With every second that goes by I can see that the dream of Ian setting foot on Creighton campus again is a lie I created to console myself these past few weeks. As his friend, especially as someone who regards him as the love of their life, I cannot let him do it.

My heart is breaking. . . I just don't even know what to say.

On Monday it was Darwin's birthday. Throughout it, I could not help but feel that Alfred R. Wallace probably rolls in his grave. Wallace was so close. If only Wallace had not sent his findings to Darwin, then he would be recognized as the "Father of Evolution" instead of Darwin.

I guess I just sent my findings to Darwin. Now what do I do with my life?

The weekend from Hell

I had a really bad weekend. Ian and I had a huge argument. It was really really terrible.

I never want to go through this weekend again. More than anything I know that I love Ian and I just want to spend my life with him.

This blog entry is not poetic or clever, it just is. I was a jerk to Ian this weekend, and I want to change that. I don't know how yet, but I want to be the wife he deserves.